


Memento Mori

by esthete, quietbun



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood and Gore, Demonstuck, F/F, F/M, For the most part, Homophobic Language, Humanstuck, Jack is a real asshole, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Past Sexual Assault, Slurs, Succubi & Incubi, Trans Female Character, Violence, demons and demon hunters, derse is demons and prospit is humans, homestuck-esque format, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-04 07:31:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 63,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4129735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esthete/pseuds/esthete, https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietbun/pseuds/quietbun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider, Incubus. You didn’t come to Seattle to get demon-napped by a hunter but that sure is happening anyway.<br/>In which John fails to kill a demon, Dave has great persuasive speaking skills, families overcomplicate things, Jack Noir is a jerk, and a whole lot of bad choices are made.<br/>Or: Dave thinks things can’t possibly get worse, until they do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> This is another brain child of esthete and I really hope you guys like it! Things are gonna get dark eventually, but this isn't as serious as the title and the tags make it out to be, because this is still homestuck were writing for. Enjoy!

**I.**

**Reader: Be Dave === >**

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and if this fucking guy doesn't leave you ALONE you are probably going to pop a cap in his ASS.

And by 'pop' you mean stab, any by 'cap' you mean sword, and by 'in his ass' you almost certainly mean 'through his kidney'. But that doesn't exactly roll of the tongue now does it? Point is this guy has been all up in your grill for a while now. And by 'guy' you mean 'hunter' and by 'up in your grill you mean'- ok, enough with that. You made a note to yourself that that joke gets old real quick and to cut down on it or Rose was going to notice, and deduce why that particular joke translates directly into some strange subconscious bullshit.

Where were you? Right. Hunter guy. Hunter guy has been stalking you for almost two weeks. It was a little freaky at first until you noticed the guy is kind of a noob at this. Usually you noticed him around The Veil, the club where you get all your jobs. Whenever he tried to fight you just ollied out of there with your time-manipulation; easy. You don’t really want to fight him. But he just kept coming at you in the same predictable way that was  _ clearly _ never going to work. It was almost like he'd never actually fought a hominid before.

Hominid demon, that is. You're a demon. Why did you just clarify that in your head? Of course you know you're a demon. Not to brag but you're pretty hot as far as demons go. Literally, you suppose, partly because Rose swears there's some fire demon in you guys, but mostly because a much less diluted part of your bloodline is Incubus. Nowadays it was hard to find a demon whose bloodline was pure- most were a mishmash of a few different things that everyone just collectively called a "demon". Incubus just happens to be pretty high up on the scale of demonic badassery.

Hunter guy, because you still don’t know the asshole’s name, managed to find out where you live and cornered you in the alley next to your apartment. Great. This is awesome. How the fuck had he found you? You wonder what Dirk would say about you being so careless. Probably something passive aggressively condescending. Fuck him. Still, you should probably take care of this guy before things get too hot to handle. There is no way in hell you are running back to Houston with your tail between your legs just because some newbie hunter got the jump on you.

Technically  _ you’ve _ never been in a real fight with a real hunter either, but that isn’t because you aren’t a badass and more that hunters generally don’t fight hominids. Hundreds of years ago there were wars between humans and demons that dragged on for generations until eventually everyone settled their asses down into something known generally as the Truce. Hunters made guilds, and all intelligent demons, even kids, were required to join sects. Any attack on a demon or hunter means picking a fight with their respective sect or guild which makes things generally peaceable.

At least, that was the idea. Those laws still get broken. The other drawback is that any rogue unregistered demons or hunters are free game. Like you. By leaving your old demon sect, Derse, and forfeiting the bullshit “protection perks” you knew from the beginning that hunters might eventually try to pick you off like this. Time to deal with that decision.

You groan loudly and roll your eyes behind your shades, hands still in your pockets. Hunter guy is on the other end of the alley in front of you, magic hammer clutched in both hands and blue-eyed gaze determined.

“Jesus dude, give a guy a break, huh? I’m just trying to go home. This is like, definitely harassment.”

“It’s not harassment! It’s called hunting. I’m hunting you.”

“Well excuse me. You’re stalking me  _ and _ trying to kill me. I feel so honored.”

“You should! I’m going to be a legendary hunter one day. The best! I’m so going to take you down and you will end up in the history books as my first big catch.” What are you, a trout? Asshole.

“Aw I’m going to be your first? This is only what, our fourth date? And I don’t even know your name. What a little heartbreaker.”

The guy actually turns a little pink at your teasing. A cute asshole, then. “The only heart breaking I’m going to be doing is with my hammer!”

“And the hammer is your penis? I’m swooning.”

“Arg! Shut up! Are we fighting or what? Or are you going to run again?”

“No, encroaching on my pad is kind of the tipping point. Low blow, douchebag.” You are still kind of joking around but you take your hands out of your pockets. That hammer might be serious but a real hardass hunter wouldn’t banter, right? This will be cake. You are just deciding not to bother pulling your sword unless you really need when the hunter charges with a little war cry.

 

**John: Be the hunter === >**

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are a DEMON HUNTER, member of the PROSPIT GUILD. You are a pretty high level member of said guild even if you’re considered a bit young, which is DUMB since you turn twenty-one in April! What matters is the golden crown and sun tattooed onto your right bicep- and the fact that the sun/crown combo was over a Bishop chess piece basically means you are hot shit in the demon hunting world. This is also impressive considering you haven't ever actually been in real combat against a hominid. That is going to change tonight.

You have been tracking an EXTREMELY POWERFUL ROGUE DEMON for the past few weeks. You’ve never tracked a hominid before, or spent nearly as much time near them as you have been recently. So much of your time is spent exterminating animal-like lower demons that it’s easy to forget that hominids are on a whole nother level. It is a little scary, but also exciting. 

After all that time getting to know his patterns and habits (like your dad and Jane taught you), you’ve mostly just noticed that this demon does some pretty weird things. 1) He drinks apple juice like a fish drinks water, or uh, a normal person breathes air? God that is a terrible comparison. He just fucking loves apple juice and is always swinging by the grocery store after work to buy apple juice at like four in the morning. 2) His t-shirts are all either of obscure bands or jokes you don’t really get. 3) For a DJ, he has quite possibly the worst music taste you have ever had the misfortune of hearing with your own two ears. If there's such thing as a DJ license, you think he should have his rescinded on account of bad music! It's all shitty rap music from the early 2000's and if he wasn't a super dangerous illegal rogue demon you would totally call him out on his awful music taste and then recommend him a few bands.

**John: Do it anyways! === >**

You are not going to do that because that is a terrible fucking idea! This guy is definitely a super evil demon. He's just really good at hiding his demony side and acting like a normal human. Which bugs you way more than it should. There is a reason you avoid fighting hominids, and it isn't because you are a 'bitch baby' like Jade said. It’s just! Hominids are  _ really _ good at blending into human society, and even if they are super evil and blasphemous in every way- they still look human. Which is probably why you have been sort of holding back whenever you fought this guy. He probably thinks you are a n00b, but you can still remember the first time you killed a low-level imp and almost threw up when you heard the bones crunch under your hammer.

Anyways. You are getting distracted and the demon guy is eyeing you cockily above his sunglasses from across the alley. His eyes glow a deep demon red. It reminds you of embers of an old fire, but keep that comment to yourself and tighten your grip around you hammer. God that sounds so wrong now ever since he made that dumb dick joke!

Okay. It is finally time to fight this guy, for real! No going back! You squeeze your eyes shut and charge in blindly. Definitely not a sound battle strategy but you don't want to see on the chance you do actually manage to land a hit. For your trouble you miss completely, getting only a ratty converse hard to the face and a rather amused look from the demon. Urgh, this guy is such a jerk. Stupid dumb tricky demon! He is so ogoing down. You quickly scramble up and heft the hammer once more. 

When you were a kid you had trouble lifting such a weapon but now it feels light in your hands. You take another swing at him, eyes open this time. He dodges easily, side stepping to the right- which is when you turn on heel, swing your hammer in a clean, tight arc, and slam it to his upper right leg.

"Holy shit!" You gasp as the demon howls in pain and goes down hard. Whoa you did it, you actually got him. You are also 99% sure you just broke his femur. Shit. Wait. No, not shit. Un-shit. You're supposed to be hunting this guy, immobilizing him is a good thing! You put a steel-toed boot firm on his chest (like you saw Jake do one time, it was cool) to keep him still and pulled out your pocket bible. Your dad used to have all the incantations memorized, but you are still working on that part.

 

**Dave: Be the dumbass that let your guard down === >**

Okay. So. Two things.

First, noob hunter isn’t actually a noob. You aren’t sure if the guy was messing around for the first few swings or what but he definitely isn’t new at this. He is actually pretty good with that hammer, and by hammer you actually mean hammer right now and not penis.

Second, he is going to kill you, like, right now. This is all happening so fast. And you absolutely cannot die, because if you do once Dirk gets down to Hell or wherever you end up next, he’ll lecture your ears off about letting your guard down. Which would be a moot point, because Bro would have already found you and double-killed you. You didn't even summon your sword for shit's sake! Why the fuck did you think a hunter would be easy? It’s a hunter for shit’s sake. All that bullshit him and Bro had drilled into you to never underestimate anyone, always assume that the other guy is stronger than you, run whenever you aren’t sure you can win- Jesus. You would never hear the end of it.

So there’s basically no way you can let yourself get offed right now. And because your leg feels like it’s made of fire and there’s a boot pressing into your chest so you can’t get out your sword anyway at this point, words are your only real option.

The good news: you’re in enough shock and pain to think that you actually have a chance.

**Dave: Barter for your life === >**

“Whoa whoa whoa ok! Okay hold up. Let’s just. Chill ou-” You wheeze as the boot presses harder into your chest.

“I’m trying to concentrate here!”

“And I’m trying to not get murdered!” His boot lightens up a bit and you notice that his hands are shaking. Even if you weren’t super in tune with human emotions via Incubus perks, it’s easy to see that this guy is freaked out. Why is a hunter this freaked out when he’s got you beat? It couldn’t be… that he’s scared of killing you?

Suddenly there’s a tiny, tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

“And, supper being ended, the devil having now put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son… to betray him,” the hunter begins, haltingly.

Fuck fuck fuck, even you recognize this one. That is not a nice verse. Demons of your level don’t have fatal verses but that one could fuck you up bad if this hunter had enough magic in him.

“You aren’t seriously going to kill me, are you? You don’t even know me!”

“J-Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things unto his hands,” the hunter lowered the hammer down toward your neck. The head of it was starting to glow from the incantation.

You are seriously, actually about to die. You’re going to get killed without ever even doing what you left home to do. You aren’t going to find the bastards who killed Bro and Mom. Not unless you can convince this guy not to kill you.

“I didn’t do anything! What are you even killing me for?” You grab at the hand that’s holding a demon-slaying hammer over your face and push desperately. You can feel the heat radiating from the handle.

The hunter gritted his teeth. “Because you’re a rogue demon! You’re evil!” He broke his incantation but you’re far from out of the woods yet.

“You’re the one attacking me and  _ I’m _ the evil one?! I’m a person too!”

The hunter’s blue eyes shone with indecision and fear. If there is one thing you know how to do, it’s exploit emotion.

**Dave: Pull out the big guns === >**

“Don’t make my sisters cry over me. Please?” Ha, you are so good at this.

The hunter scrunches his eyes tight, and shoves the hammer against your forehead. Oh shit oh shit never mind you are not good at this, you are dead, you are so-

“Jesus answered and said unto them, destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up!”

 

**John: Realize you are being played === >**

God dammit. Jade, Jake, and Jane would totally kick your ass and call you names a lot worse than bitch baby if they knew you are doing this. You just used a non-lethal paralyzing verse on a demon you totally have on the ropes! Ughhhh, and you know he’s not even using his demon powers to mind control you because your Nephilim angel blood protects you from that. Why did he have to bring up his family? Demons aren’t supposed to have families! Especially not sisters. That is like. So cheating. Guh!

You are going to regret this so hard. Ugh. You let your hammer drop from your hands and blip out of existence then rummage through your bag (no Jade it is not a purse, it’s a satchel! Like Indiana Jones!) until you find a bottle of blessed ink.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to rip off your shirt.” You say and try not to blush as you start ripping off his dirty T-shirt. This is totally not weird. Ugh who are you kidding, this is super weird. And also a very bad idea. Why are you doing this again?

“Wow, forward much, at least buy me dinner first.” He says through gritted teeth and you can tell he’s probably in a lot of pain even though he can’t move. It’s actually impressive he’s still conscious, let alone able to talk. You check his body over thoroughly (not that thoroughly!) looking for any seals on his body that might be hiding weapons. Lots of demons had spelled tattoos that can store weapons and it’s basic protocol to check for them first. Luckily no demon can have more than one seal on them so you don't have to look very far. His chest is a pasty white centered by a swirling black tattoo of intricate ruins. Also freckles. Like. So many freckles. And a huge ass scar over his sternum? Geez that must’ve been painful.

You push the thought away dip a brush into the ink and start writing the seal. The demon hisses as the holy water based-ink touches his chest but you clench your teeth and kept writing. He looks  _ almost _ human when he squeezes his eyes shut and gasps in pain. Once it’s done you stand up. The seal is a pretty basic one so even your sloppy Hebrew gets the job done. It just disables the tattoo. The string of curses flowing from the demon’s mouth is nothing short of artful and you think your father would want to wash his mouth out with soap.

“Alright cool. So this is also going to hurt a lot but um, can you hold onto the fire escape right there?”

“Why the fuck- SHIT!” He starts, but you have your hands around his foot and your pulling hard. You can feel the fractured bone pieces moving and for a second you thought he was about to pass out. Oh please don’t pass out, you silently pray. Thankfully he doesn’t pass out. Now that his bones are in the right spot you can actually splint his leg. Good thing you were a boy scout when you were a kid, because right now you sure are glad that you learned first aid! Not that traction splints are in the normal first aid patch requirement but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared. Piecing one together from some dirty cardboard you find on the ground is easy since it’s only temporary.

With the demon’s leg splinted sufficiently you scoop him up and toss him over your shoulder with ease. Wow he’s super light and needs to eat more! Or at least that’s what you would think if he wasn’t a demon. Which brings you back to thinking about how  _ stupid _ what you’re doing actually is.

“What, the fuck, are, you doing?” The demon asks between gasps.

“I’m trying to save your life asshole! Shut up before I realize what I’m doing is stupid and get some common sense.” You snap as you make your way to your apartment because you don’t know what else to do, oh man oh man this is so bad.

“You’re a demon hunter. Not a- Fuck! Be gentle with me I’m a fragile maiden.”

“No shit, and you don’t get to complain because you’re lucky to even be alive right now. God Jade is going to kill me…” The last part is you talking to yourself because yeah Jade is going to kill you so hard for this.

Your old lady neighbor gives you a  _ super _ weird look when you unlock your apartment and you try to give her a small wave. Yeah. Maybe carrying a shirtless dude into your apartment at eleven at night isn’t a normal thing to do. Then again neither is helping the same demon you were supposed to kill.

You’re so screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The two bible verses John recited are both from the book of John from the King James edition, verses 13:2 and 2:19 respectively.   
> Like all demonstuck aus this has influences from a lot of places. The fatal verses and the tattoo that summons a sword are both from Blue Exorcist. Compulsion, aka persuasive mind control, is from Vampire Academy. The idea of Nephilim, a kind of distantly-angel-related human subspecies, is from Shadowhunters though we’re using it more loosely here. Nephilim can use magic and are resistant to demon mind control among other perks, and are the only ones allowed to join hunters’ guilds.
> 
> As of 4/3/16 this story has gotten some much needed intensive editing and is overall just so much better, you don't even know. Though I like to regularly reupload cleaned up chapters, nothing content/plotwise is ever changed outside of subtle things so don't feel like you have to reread anything.  
> Last updated: 5/12/16


	2. II

**II.**

**Dave: Attempt to get out of this mess=== >**

You have no idea how to get out of this mess. The moment the hunter steps into his apartment you feel yourself passing through the icy chill of a barrier spell. There’s a good chance you won’t be able to escape without erasing the seals and you have no idea where they are. Even if you do erase them, though the paralyzing verse is starting to wear off, you can’t run on your leg. And to top it all off you can’t draw your sword from your tattoo.

What the fuck should you do?

**Dave: Stop panicking you fucking baby === >**

Who is panicking? Not you. Totally not you. You are completely calm as hunter guy dumps you on his couch, making the totally-not-distracting agony in your leg skyrocket and earning a growl from you.

“Ah, sorry!” the hunter says meekly. Is this asshole actually apologizing for the shattered leg _he_ shattered? He turns and walks across the room, giving you time to try and think for a second.

Obviously you can’t outrun him or out-fight him. But the hunter’s wavering emotional state has saved your ass so far, so maybe you could use it again.

“So are you gonna let me die on your couch or what?” You grind out through gritted teeth. Instinctively you try to rub the enchanted ink off your chest but that’s about as effective as trying to rub off the scar under it: not happening. You also check to see if your phone had somehow survived but it’s gone along with your shades.

“You’re not going to die! It’s just a broken leg. A demon can’t die of that.” Hunter guy had returned with what looks like a first-aid kit.

“Thanks for the encouragement sweet cheeks. Really, your bedside manner is impeccable.”

He doesn’t answer, pulling out some scissors and cutting away your jeans from where your leg was shattered. Damn, you like these pants. A huge nasty black bruise covered the side of your right leg, bleeding some. The damage probably had less to do with the actual force of the hammer and more with its anti-demon magic.

“Man you owe me a new pair of jeans, uh. What’s your name? Come on I get that much.”

“John.” His brows scrunch together as he works on your leg, and you decide to lean back and not watch. The bruise isn’t pretty and looking at it is making you queasy. At least John is treating you. Why the fuck is he treating you? It’s clear that he isn’t going to kill you right now but why? The tendency to assume the worst that Bro and Dirk had drilled into your head insists that the reason can’t be good. What if John is keeping you alive to interrogate? You don’t even have a sect to tattle on anymore! Or maybe someone wants demons alive. It isn’t unheard of for demons to be used or even experimented on for their abilities. Is someone trying to use you against your family back in Houston? But Dirk, Rose, and Roxy aren’t really that high up or powerful demons last you checked.

Of course the fact that none of those scenarios are at all probable doesn’t stop them from thoroughly freaking you all hells of the fuck out.

John puts an actual splint on your leg, wrapping bandages tightly around it. You remind yourself to chill out and at least _try_ to get out of here while his guard was down. At least one escape attempt, if only to preserve what is left of your dignity. Okay, you can totally do this.

“John.”

“Yeah?” He replies, but he doesn’t look up. Shit, you need eye contact for this to work, good thing your shades are back in that alley. You can't mind control Nephilim but that doesn't mean you are completely out of tricks.

“Where are your manners? Aren’t you even going to ask my name? You _are_ undressing me on your couch after all.”

“Don’t remind me. And fine, what’s your name?”

“Dave. I’d say nice to meet you, but we’ve kinda already met, and no offense but this is about as shitty a first impression as it gets.” You stretch your mouth into what is totally a confident smirk and not a pain grimace.

“I guess.” John glances at you, and that’s all you need. Being in pain is exhausting but you kick in your time powers anyway. Okay so they aren’t really time powers, more like mind manipulation but you don’t really like how in-your-head your powers are. Mind fuckery is more Rose and to a lesser extent Dirk’s thing. Incubi and Succubi have the ability to warp another person’s perception of reality and emotions to some extent. Compulsion, the mind control, doesn’t really work on hunters but you can still alter John’s reality for a bit: in this case, slow down his perception time. And you do. His eyes glaze over and his movements slow to a crawl. Okay, you can’t keep this up for long. You push yourself up on the couch and put your good leg on the ground. Standing up is less fun; even without any weight on it your broken leg screams in pain but you have to ignore it for just a bit. You lean heavily against furniture and barely make it to the door, chest heaving. There’s a chance that John’s barrier seals only keep demons out, and won’t stop you from leaving once inside. Worth a shot.

You put your hand on the doorknob- and feel like you get struck by lightning. It shocks you off balance; you instinctively put pressure on your bad leg and are seeing spots before you even hit the ground.

 

**John: Make silly, cliche slow-mo noises === >**

Not! Now is not the time for antics because Dave (what kind of name for a demon is Dave anyways?? You thought they are all named like, Sephiroph or Jezeheklsziel or something) becomes Sonic the fucking hedgehog all of a sudden. You realize what's happening as you see him bolt for the door in a blur. He's moving so fast you can hardly track him and he's already at the door by the time you've turned your head. You are taking a painfully slow step towards him, opening your mouth to warm him against touching the door, but it's too late. He's already out like a fucking light. Time seems to return to normal as he drops to the ground and you let out a super frustrated sigh/groan. Ugh! Why did he do that? If you were going to kill him you wouldn't have splinted his leg and carried him to your apartment! Maybe Jane is right about demons being sneaky tricksters after all.

Which brings you back to the question of what you are going to do with him. You're really not sure, but if any other hunter especially your family finds out, you're going to be more dead than the most dead thing. You would be like. On the top echeladder tier of deadness. You scoop up a now unconscious Dave and set him down on the couch once more, being more gentle with his leg this time. The splint you put on him broke the second he bent his knee, or maybe it broke when he put weight on it. Who knew, either way it is way broken and you have to start all over.

"You're such a dumbass! Ugh! Stupid demon dummy dumbass dumbass dumbass!" You grumble, re-splinting with the deepest sigh of all. You pull up a chair and set it up in front of your TV next to your couch. If Dave keeps trying to abscond the hell out of here he is going to break his leg even worse! Maybe you should just break his other leg and that would solve all your problems. Except it wouldn't solve your problems at all because your current number one problem is that there is a DEMON IN YOUR HOUSE. A demon that you brought there yourself. Like. Not even mind controlled. You chose to do that. You carried him here with your own two hands.

 _This_ is why you don't go on solo missions.

**John: Let Matthew Mcconaughey solve all your problems. === >**

Mcconaughey has always been there for you. He has seen you through the good, the bad, and the Vriska. He is like a father to you and if anyone is going to help you stay up all night waiting for a stupid demon to wake up, it’s him.

Failure to Launch is the first thing to pop up on Netflix and you chose it without a second of hesitation.

 

**Dave: Be dead === >**

You fucking wish. Being alive blows. Your leg is throbbing and your head feels like John took his hammer to it. Maybe he did? No, that was totally the barrier ward that took you down. Note to self: Nice try, but don't do that.

You're lying on the couch again, not even tied up or anything which is a plus you guess. Not that you're going to try to get away again in the immediate future. Like you may be a dumbass, but you know when you're beat.

Squinting your eyes open, you realize that John had put on an old rom com. Wow. It was something with Mccona-douche. You try to pay attention for a while but your head hurts and the plot is terrible. Something about a mom hiring a matchmaker? Roxy has set you up on plenty of dates before but even when you did decide to play along you've never been in anything serious. Well, you've been hanging out a lot with the drakaina girl Terezi who works at the Veil, but you aren't totally sure if what you guys are doing is really dating or just fucking around and having sloppy makeouts all the time. You can't read demons' emotions like you can a human's so you're not sure.

Speaking of humans: their movies are terrible.

"This movie is terrible," you tell John in a deadpan.

"It's not that bad. Mcconaughey can save any film."

"If anything he’s ruining this movie's potential to ever turn out as anything more than a B-rated chick flick doomed to live out the rest of its days in the dregs of the Netflix archives."

"So not true! It's basically a classic. And shouldn't you still be asleep?"

"I guess not? Demon turbo healing and all that. Your little joybuzzer doorhandle was great and all but it ain't going to keep me down for long."

John paused the movie and got up to stand over you, curly dark hair falling over his glasses and fingers tapping nervously on his thigh. Admittedly he is pretty ripped but this is _so_ not the time for that thought no matter how hungry you are. You can't read his emotions nearly as well as normal humans because of the stupid angel blood thing, but he seems kinda stressed out. Yeah, join the club.

"A joybuzzer on a doorknob is a totally sweet prank idea but that's not the point right now. That was so dumb! I have wards up you dingus!”

“I _know_ that, but they didn’t hurt me on the way in-”

“Yeah, because I deactivated them for a second-”

“-so I thought maybe they wouldn’t on the way out. Come on, you’re telling me you wouldn’t do the same thing in my situation? I’m not just gonna lay around on some hunter’s couch waiting for you to ravage my poor injured body without even trying to get away.”

John turns red. “I’m so not going to do that! Argh!”

“On second thought if you wanna bang I could really use it because I’m fucking exhausted.”

“NO!”

“Yeah you’re right, sex with a broken leg does _not_ sound like a good time. Thanks for the tip.”

“Gah!” John is hilarious when embarrassed but you remind yourself that as fun as he is to banter with, he’s still the asshole that broke your leg and kidnapped you and yeah, you’re still pretty pissed about that. Broken femurs fucking suck no matter how tough you are and you have yet to see a drop of pain medication.

“Okay but. Real talk. What the fuck even is this?” You say, gesturing to yourself and like, your entire situation you guess. “Like. I get why you were attacking me even if your reasons are shitty, but if you weren’t going to off me then why not just leave me in the alley?”

“Uh. Well I wasn’t just going to leave you there! I mean I am still a hunter. I can’t just leave a rogue demon lying around.”

“So what, you decide to kidnap me instead? I mean just putting this out there, I don’t know anything special about any sects because I’m not _in_ one so interrogation and hostage situations don’t make sense. Is your hunter guild looking for live demons now? Am I going to wake up next in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney?” John didn’t seem like the type to get involved with those fucked up seedy hunters but hey, you can’t read his emotions so this could all be an elaborate act to get your guard down. Right, like you’re going to make that mistake again.

“Uh, no.”

“Then what the fuck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wouldn't we all like to know what the fuck??  
> Chapter updated: 5/12/16


	3. III

**III.**

**John, attempt the super dangerous subject change X2 combo!! === >**

You totally fail! You cannot change the subject because you also want to know, as Dave put it, 'what the fuck.' You scrunch up your nose and shake your head. You liked it better when he was asleep because you could watch your movie in peace without having to think about the consequences of your shitty decisions. Urgh! Curse your lack of impulse control! You should have left him there if you weren't going to kill him! He's a demon and it was seriously sooo stupid of you to think he would die if you left him. Demons are super hard to kill. Jane says even broken bones are practically nothing to them.

"I don't know! Bluh!! I didn't just want to leave you passed out there in some alleyway with a broken leg!"

"You're the one who broke said leg." He points out and you shake your head once more.

"Yeah I know that! And I don't know whether I should feel bad or not because, like, you're a demon which means you’re evil but you look like a normal person and you act like a normal person and so I'm just really confused. Actually it would make my life super easy if you would like attack me or something so I could have a better reason to kill you." In your mind you are angrily shaking your fist at your morals like a cranky old man shaking his fist at a group of rowdy teenagers on his lawn.  

"Wow. Ok, you might want to sit down for the bomb I’m about to drop on you. Shit is gonna rock your world. Buckle up your seat belts kids we’re going for a ride on Dave's magic fuckin school bus of knowledge." You raise your eyebrows at him curiously.

"You ready? I'm serious about the sitting down thing man. At least hold on to your metaphorical hat or something."

"Fine oh my god my metaphorical hat is super secured now just spit it out."

"Ok.... Dramatic pause....... Ok. Here it goes... Drum roll please." You decide to humor him because he's actually super funny and thump out a quick drum roll on your legs as he grins slightly. "Not all demons are evil." You feel like you're supposed to do a double take and make a dramatic gasp but you're not gonna humor him that much.

You do however roll your eyes at him, and maybe over exaggerate the motion a little.

"Well! I know that! There's the human/demon Truce for a reason." He gives you A Look. Capital letters, proper noun and you shy away from it slightly. Bluh! "My sister and cousins are just these super powerful and talented hunters and they're always telling me I'm too soft so I figured that if I managed to take down my first hominid on my own they would finally take me seriously." Wow way to unload all of your emotions onto the demon you just sort of kidnapped John! He's your prisoner (sorta) not your therapist.

"But I guess they were right. I'm a wimp. I can’t kill a hominid, not even a rogue one that’s okay to kill." You say with a sigh, letting your head fall into your hands. You really, _really_ suck at this.

“This is just an opinion but, I personally consider it _not_ okay to murder me in cold blood.”

“Well the Truce law says rogue… bluh yeah you’re right, sorry.”

"Thanks for that. So, not that I don't feel super bad for you and your weird family situation right now, because trust me dude, been there, but I gotta ask, if you aren’t gonna kill me what _are_ you going to do? Now that you went all sexy nurse on my ass, well not literally unfortunately, but you get the idea."

"Uh, that is a very good question." You say, trying not to feel too embarrassed about how often or casually he talks about sex. He must be part incubus or something. It would make sense; he was definitely good looking... As far as demons go! And as far as dudes go! Not that you're thinking about that at all!

"Are you shitting me."

"I was kinda just planning on letting you go? Probably? Like once you could walk and stuff." You're chewing up a storm on your lower lip and shuffle awkwardly to sit back down on the chair next to the couch. You fiddle with the TV remote on your lap and try to think. Geez. What if he was actually super pissed at you for attacking him and tried to kill you once he was better? He knows where you live now too! Which was such a terrible move on your part. You're actually pretty lucky he doesn't have a sect or anything because that could easily make things like ten times worse. Good thing no one was going to come looking for him!

Then. As if your night couldn't get any worse, you hear your doorbell ring. You jump out of your seat-- sending the remote you had in your lap flying, and smacking against the TV screen. You smack your own hand to your forehead and groan. You really wish that remote had failed to launch.

 

**John: Answer the door! === >**

You lad scamper towards the door, and peer out of the peep hole. Who would even be at the door? It was like! Midnight or something!

You let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding and let a little bit of the tension in your shoulders ease. It wasn't Jane or Jade or Jake. Thank god.

You open the door and give your neighbor a friendly smile.

"Hi Mrs. Johnson!" You say cheerfully, immediately spotting her reason to visit. She is holding a rather large yellow iguana away from her body with a look of annoyance on her face. She pushes the lizard into your arms and you grip you precious daughter.

"Johnathan. I know you are new to the building but _please_ keep better track of your pets! I do not want to find your iguana in my bathtub again."

"Sorry Mrs. Johnson! It won’t happen again" You apologize, making sure your broad shoulders block her view inside your apartment. The old lady across the hall already thought you were into some really weird shit, so you didn't need another person in your building thinking that. You watch her walk back to her apartment stiffly, before you close the door and turn back to Dave, large lizard in your arms. He's giving you a look like you're crazy and you give a sort of crooked grin.

"Dave. Meet Casey."

 

**Dave: Greet the lizard === >**

“Sup Case. So you have a huge fucking lizard?”

“Yeah. She’s my precious daughter.”

“That’s cool.”

John takes that as an invitation to plop the lizard on your chest which is so not the situation you were aiming for. The lizard looks you dead in the eye and hisses in your face. Harsh.  

“Casey! Be nice to Dave!” John scooped up the thing and wagged a finger at it like a naughty toddler.

“I wasn’t aware your apartment is the setting for the new Jurassic Park movie.”

“Don’t be mean to her!”

“She started it.”

“She’s a lizard!”

“She’s a little bitch.”

“Hey. Who just splinted your leg for you?”

“You’re the one that broke it. And kidnapped me. You get zero guilting privileges. -Speaking of, I happen to be starving-”

“No no no!” John blurts before you even finish your sentence. He holds up Casey in front of him like she’s going to defend him. She hisses at you again.

“What? I haven’t even told you what I plan on guilting you into. Come on. You so owe me.”

“I will not sleep with you!” The guy looked terrified.

“Wow. Okay, I want it professionally documented that it was _you_ that just said that, not me. That probably counted as a racist comment? I wasn’t even going to ask you for sex.”

“Really?” His eyebrows raised and he finally put down the lizard, who scurried off to go spurn the innocent or raise the dead or something.

“Yeah. Really. I mean, if you’re offering...”

“No! No I’m not! It’s just. I was guessing you’re at least part Incubus? So I just kinda assumed...”

“You know what they say about assuming. Makes an ass outta you and also you. You’re a dick.”

John put his hands on his hips. “How am I a dick?”

“I’m gonna ignore the fact that you just said that while I’m sitting here a goddamn cripple. I mean okay yes, I am mostly Incubus. But Jesus you just assumed that means I’m going to mind-control seduce you. You do know that doesn’t work on Nephilim right?” You try and prop yourself up higher on the armrest.

“I know, but...”

“Listen dude,” you say flatly, cause maybe you are feeling a little miffed about this, “Incubi and Succubi pick up flings for food. I ain’t gonna say we don’t cause if we didn't we'd die. And there are some assholes out there but _I_ don’t just forcibly seduce anyone we wanna hit up. We read the person’s emotions to make sure they actually want to bang first. From there we just use sex powers to make everything goes awesome for both of us, and to take some of their energy, and erase their memory of the demony parts. So don’t go acting like I’m gonna molest you in your sleep because first off, I can’t currently walk to your fucking bedroom. And second, even though yeah, maybe some human manna would be awesome right now, I’m not enough of a Fred Flinstone level fucking fantastic bonehead to think that you’d actually be okay with that, knowing who I am. And even if you did think I was hot, which I can’t even tell because of the angel blood cock block, you’re probably still not chill with me sucking your life force.”

You grimace, realizing that you just rambled for a way long time. You crossed your arms over your chest and took advantage of John’s stunned silence to ask for real food.

“Now order me some goddamn pizza before I keel over for real. Three of them. Meat lover’s style. With hot sauce. And apple juice. And if you have any cereal that is also mine now. Chop chop.”

**John: Order the Pizza === >**

You return to chewing on your bottom lip, trying to pretend that what Dave was saying didn’t make sense because you refuse to believe that you are being demon racist to a white guy! Ugh, why did he have to make sense? You had always grown up knowing that demons were evil! Like. Hunters were the good guys and demons were the bad guys. It had always been black and white. Or at least that’s what Jake and Jane taught you. Your dad was always more accepting, but he died eight years ago! You hardly even knew what a demon was back then. Bluhhhhhh.

With Casey safely returned to her tank, you end up ordering pizza for the injured demon on your couch, because 1) you're a nice guy, 2) you are also actually sort of starving, and 3) you're not gonna waste your time cooking for him because that is a talent specially reserved for friends and family!

Speaking of family, your phone has been buzzing off the hook for the past hour and dark green text was piling up pretty fast-- but you were too busy watching Failure to Launch to check it. And by too busy watching Failure to Launch you mean too guilty to text Jake back because how can you have a normal conversation with your cousin while you have a demon totally just chilling out on your couch. A couch he had helped you carry into your apartment!! It just wasn't right!

 

**John: Do it anyways! === >**

Geez the voice in your head has been awfully pushy lately! And repetitive too. Just like the buzzing of your phone. You sigh and excuse yourself to go to the kitchen and answer it, leaving Dave to feast on his meat pizza. Which is kinda gross in your opinion. You also can’t eat it because you are Kosher and pork. So it’s extra gross!

The first thing you see when you open your old flip phone is a picture of Jake holding a- oh my god is that? Holy shit. It is. The picture he sent you is one of him holding the severed head of a hominid demon and grinning brilliantly. You try not to barf a little, and succeed for the most part. It's just... Ugh. Did he really have to look so happy about it? You glance nervously back to Dave in the living room scarfing pizza, and fidget. For all you know that dead demon could be Dave's, uh, brother or something! And that shouldn't bug you as much as it does. Bluh. You scroll down to see the rest of Jake's messages.

GT: John my boy! Take a gander at this beaut!  
GT: Sorry Jade and I have been so busy lately, it's really grating on my internal jimminey cricket that we haven't had a family movie night in a whole month.  
GT: But worry not! We're on our way home shortly! We just need to collect the reward for this sucker and we should be home in two shakes of a lambs tail!   
GT: He was a real high level Denzin too, so the reward was nothing short of lucrative! We'll definitely have to celebrate when we get home.  
GT: How have you and Jane gotten along without us?  
GT: Boy howdy I miss you two's antics. The bucket on the door frame right before I left was a real hoot!  
GT: Sorry if I am bombarding your phone slightly, Airports have always bored the daylight out of me, and figured now would be a good time to catch up!  
EB: hey! sorry i was busy with school stuff :B  
EB: these essays aren't going to write themselves!  
EB: but oh man i can't wait to see you guys!! this lack of movie night has been practically criminal, and i totally swung by best buy last monday and picked up the rest of the mummy movies!   
EB: but uh  
EB: how long exactly is two shakes of a lamb’s tail or whatever?  
EB: because i have a, uh, friend over for like a week or so who obviously doesn't know about the whole demon hunter thing and i don't really want to freak them out hahaha.  
EB: because no offence, but you guys aren’t exactly subtle...  
EB: and i feel like a total jerk for asking this but do you think we could hold off on family reunion thing for a little?  
GT: A friend you say? Would this friend happen to be a beautiful broad?

You glance at Dave and laugh a little to yourself

EB: definitely not!  
GT: Perhaps a charming young lad then! Have you finally roped yourself a significant other?  
EB: jakeeeeeeeee!!  
EB: it's complicated. just, bluh!  
GT: Fair enough! But I must ask, as your older cousin it's my duty.  
GT: Are you and this young man practicing safe sexual habits?  
EB: ajkhfaskjh8uihs  
EB: JAKE!!  
GT: Hehehe  
EB: no, bad jake. worst cousin.  
GT: Just looking out for you sport, and I will try to keep this news from Jade as best as I can, but you know her! She has a spectacular talent for sniffing out dirt and potential relationships.  
GT: Pun intended.  
EB: pleasseeee don’t tell her, i’ll never hear the end of it. but yeah. you guys can’t meet him. like. ever. at least not until i know for sure that we actually are dating and stuff.  
GT: Haha alright whatever you say old sport! We will hang around at the guild for a little bit until then. I can’t guarantee that once Jade finds out she wont storm over there and demand to meet this fellow though.   
GT: Maybe I’ll go find myself a companion. I’m feeling positively aces after that kill! *double pistols and a wink*  
EB: um tmi!  
EB: but ok! i have to go! i’ll talk to you tomorrow!   
EB: make sure /you/ practice safe sexual habits.   
EB: hehehe.

You sigh and try not to feel super guilty about lying to Jake. You’re a really bad liar in real life, so you’re lucky that you had this conversation over text and not face to face. You should probably return to Dave, but now you’re thinking about Dave in a _romantic_ situation and it’s kind of freaking you out how not opposed to the idea you are. You know you’re bisexual and had stopped freaking out about your sexuality a while ago, especially after Jake told you he was bi too and Jade told you she was pan. But you hadn’t actually dated a dude before. You’ve had had crushes on them before and you really hope that you don’t develop a crush on Dave because that would probably be the worst thing that could possibly happen in this situation. He is a demon and you’re a hunter and that would just be fucked up, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated 4/3/16


	4. IV

**IV.**

**Dave: Eat Lucky Charms and critique the cinematic merits of Failure to Launch starring Matthew Mcconaughey === >**

“All I’m saying is, what romantic comedy has he ever been in that didn’t suck ass?” You say between mouthfuls of John’s cereal as he sits down next to the couch. “Like he had a few good ones I’ll admit. Wolf of Wall Street and Interstellar were okay, but he’s just not at his best in rom coms.”

“Maybe you’re just biased against romance movies?”

Wiping your sticky had off on your unbroken pant leg you shrug. “Maybe. They’re kinda boring.”

“My friend Karkat would totally roast you for that! He thinks that romance movies are the best kind of movies.”

You’re pretty sure you’ve heard that name, maybe from TZ, before but don’t comment. Failure to Launch is _finally_ getting around to ending.

“Sounds like someone I need to fight.”

“Don’t fight him! He’ll be able to give even you a run for your money. Verbally at least. Aaaaannnnyyyywwwaaayyyyyy… speaking of romance....” John hesitates and you can see his ears go red.

“How many times do I have to tell you that sex and a broken leg are a bad-” But he interrupts you before you can even get irked.

“No no! It’s not that. Well like. Kind of?”

“What do you mean ‘kind of’? You’re being all hells of obtuse right about now.” You prop up your head on your elbow. The pizza and cereal filled you up pretty well so you feel less like death. Carbs are always the way to go if sex isn’t an option.

“So. Basically if anyone asks, we’re kinda dating.”

You blink. “We’re what now?”

“Dating.”

“We are.”

“Yeah.”

“As in you and me.“

“Uh. Yeah!”

“Okay. So like, I know Stockholm Syndrome is a powerful thing? But I’m not sure if we’re _quite_ to that point yet here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’d love and cherish me for time and all eternity and all that but I’m still _kinda_ getting over that whole first impression thing.”

“Haha yeah, you’re so funny Dave! Hahahaha! That’s what I was saying, that I’m going to make you my prison boyfriend! You’ll be the Princess Leah to my Jabba the Hutt!”

“I see. Glad we cleared that up then.” This guy’s sarcasm voice is hilarious.

“Bluh! Just listen for a sec without fucking around. I’m trying to keep my family from coming over, and also from them suspecting that something funny is going on.”

You half-frown “So they think we’re dating. That’s going to make them want to not meet me because…?”

“Well I just told them that I don’t want them meeting you until it’s official. And also that you don’t know about all the demon stuff and I don’t want them to freak you out about it.”

“And they’ll actually buy that?”

“I think so! It’s all I could think of on the fly.”

“Jesus man, you have to plan out your kidnappings more thoroughly. Should we have a plan B for when that falls through? Cause just saying, Rose would never be chill with that in my case.”

“Who’s Rose?”

Shit. You were totally going to keep your family a secret. Way to go, foot-in-your-mouth Strider.

“Just my twin. She’s a nosey one.”

“Lucky! I always wanted a twin. I just have an older sister and cousins. So you weren’t lying about having sisters?”

“No, but for the record if I had been you still would’ve fallen for it. I got two. My twin and an older one. And a brother,” you grumble in afterthought.

“Cool! What, don’t get along with him? You mumbled him like a grumpy mumbler.”

You roll your eyes at him. “We’re not really talking right now. They’re not gonna come looking for me either, if you were wondering.”

John makes a face. “Jeez, are you on _that_ bad of terms with them?”

“I mean, no. But they’re not living around here and we don’t talk much so hopefully this can all blow over without them even realizing.” Rose was pretty sure her mystic eye thing didn’t work long distance so you were probably safe there. Hopefully. God, you would probably die of embarrassment if they ever found out about all this. Especially Dirk. It would be one thing if you had gotten beat in a legit battle against like, a whole horde of ranked hunters and just barely lost like a certified Hollywood badass. But as it stands some novice (ok not really, but a hominid novice at the very least) took you down with a lucky hit when you were being careless, and now he doesn’t even want to kill you. Talk about anticlimactic. And pathetic.

John’s phone goes off right then and he jumps a bit. His ringtone is the ghostbusters theme.

“But fine, I’ll go with the fake-dating thing if you think it will work.” You say before John picks up. He nods gratefully and answers.

“Hi Karkat!”

You go back to picking all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms while he talks.

“Yeah… no. I didn’t get him. I think I’m just going to give up on the whole thing actually! I don’t think hunting hominids is for me...”

You pull yourself up so you’re facing John and mouth ‘bad liar’ at him. He sticks his tongue out at you.

“Don’t pick out all my marshmallows! Asshole!” he loud-whispers.

“No.”

John freezes and almost drops his phone. “Ah, no Karkat! I’m at home, I was just talking to the TV. No one here but me and Netflix!”

“And his boyfriend!” You yell at the phone because it’s payback time.

“No! The TV! It’s nothing!” He shoots you a glare but you aren’t put off. You hear garbled screaming from the cell phone.

“I’m his boyfriend and we are fucking! Fucking gratuitously!”

“Argh! Shut up! We’re not fucking!”

Lightning-quick you snatch the phone out of John’s hand. “We’re fucking right now actually, John can’t talk right now he’s got a dick up his-” John, face a candy red, wrestles the phone out of your grip and you give it up, grinning.

“He’s lying Karkat! Okay I was lying, but we’re not having sex!” He glares at you but you shrug.

“Just keeping with the story,” you say with a shit-eating grin on your face. John tries to pacify the screaming banshee on the other line.

“I do not have a dick up my butt! Nothing is up my butt! At all! My butt is dickless!! Dickless I tell you!” After what you’re sure is almost a solid ninety seconds of continuous shrieking coming out of the receiver John tries to talk to him again. Jesus you wish you could hear what this guy was actually saying. You have pretty good hearing but even you can’t understand him.

“Okay, yeah, I’ll tell you next time. I was trying to keep it on the down-low. Especially from my family. Don’t you dare tell Jade!”

Another moment of silence.

“No, don’t come visit! Yeah, I know I said we would hang out tomorrow but he’s staying here for a little while... I don’t know, a while?” You were thinking a week tops but whatever.

“I said I don’t want anyone visiting! Karkaaaaat! Seriously! No he’s not ugly! I’m not trying to hide anything. Maybe _you’re_ the one who's really hiding something here! Ever think of that? HUH BUB??”

You put your face in your hands. John is. So bad at keeping secrets. He’s just digging his own grave at this point. Possibly your grave. Was this Karkat dude a hunter? Maybe you shouldn’t have teased him. Dammit.

“Not tonight, I’m tired! Okay. Later. I’ll think about it. Not!!” Then John hung up the phone before Karkat could answer, grinning like he’d just played the world’s greatest practical joke on the world’s biggest sucker.

“We’re totally safe now!”

 

**Dave: Resist the urge to claw out your own eyes and spend the rest of your life lick-seeing like Terezi, just so you don’t have to witness what a monumental disaster your life has become === >**

You manage to resist the urge. Barely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John Egbert is a legend.  
> Chapter updated 4/3/16


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love karkat vantas, and john is the best secret keeper imaginable

**V.**

**Karkat: Ride === >**

You are now KARKAT VANTAS and frankly you are fucking pissed. Well, technically you are fucking pissed ALL THE TIME, but at this exact moment you are fucking pissed for a very specific reason. That exact moment being 12:04 AM on a Friday night. That specific reason being the Neanderthal you have the MISFORTUNE of calling a best friend somehow managed to convince some poor sucker other than you or his family to put up with his shit for longer than twenty-four hours. Honestly you are goddamn amazed, but at the same time, as was previously stated you are also fucking pissed at the shit-brained idiot for not telling you. You pride yourself in being nothing short of a LOVE GURU and that fact that he didn't even ask for your advice once is a TRAVESTY.

And that. That is the fucking reason you are riding your moped through the streets at midnight, potentially breaking at least one traffic law in the process to go to said Neanderthal’s apartment and tear him a new fucking one and possible devastate his auditory ossicles in the process. Also you have to scope out this guy, because honestly the fact that John Egbert was dating anyone was a god damn miracle. Especially after the Vriska Serket Incident, which had wiped John off the dating map for four horse shitting years. The fact that he is now apparently dating a _boy_ is even more fucking astronomical. The stars must have aligned and this guy is just the right level of stupid to counteract the plague known to common man as The Egbertian Charm.

It took you fucking YEARS to get him to overcome the internalized homophobia that he was literally ass deep in. Years and years and so many god damn Harvey Milk quotes that frankly if you read another one of that man's words you will literally projectile vomit onto the nearest baby. So either the Harvey Milk quotes _finally_ got to him or something's up. Because this is a big fucking deal. No. Strike that. This is a Big Fucking Deal. Proper noun. So why didn't that SHIT WRIGGLER TELL YOU??

You are furious by the time you pull up to John Egbert's apartment and pound your fist on his door several times. You use your well-honed eavesdropping skills to listen to the chaos that ensues when they hear you knock. God are they actually fucking? Some part of you actually hopes that they are so you can walk in and destroy everything good in John's life, so you are minutely disappointed when the buck toothed wonder himself answers the door in a timely and fully clothed fashion. He's red faced and trying his best to look angry at you, but his look shrivels under the pure rage of your glower. He takes a step back, angry face shifting to one of fear.

"Karkat! What are you doing here? It's like midnight!"

"I'm here to check out your potential mate obviously! Also to kick your Jewish ass to the next dimension, but I'll save that for later!" Your eyes find The Boy (also proper noun) splayed on John's couch, with a beanie, a pair of John’s aviators, and some weird splint on his leg that looks suspiciously like John's handy work.

"Parkour accident."

"Car accident!" They say at the same time and your eyes narrow.

"Didn't I tell you not to come over?"

"Hm maybe you did tell me something like that, I can't fucking remember. Just like you didn't remember to tell me about the shit stain on your couch! When were you planning on telling me? Huh? Would I even cross your god damn mind, or would you just be like hurrhurr I can date whoever I want and do whatever I want and not tell anyone or worry about any negative ramifications because I’m John Egbert hurr!!! Did the poor forgotten "best friend" known as Karkat Vantas even cross your think pan as you dove into this obvious four vehicle pileup of a relationship?! Obviously not because getting you to tell me was like pulling out one of your obnoxiously bucked teeth you obtuse fucker!" You are shouting much louder than you intended to, but that happened more than regularly when you get worked up.

"Low blow dude, you don't even know my name. That's harsh. I mean I'm not denying it, but still. You know what they say about making assumptions." Comes a calm quip from the couch and you turn on your heel to glare at him, and of course finish the saying.

"Yeah yeah! It makes an ass out of you and me!"

"That's right." You detect a southern twang in his words and immediately despise him even more. "I was just lecturing John here about making assumptions about people."

"Yeah and you used the exact same phrase then too! Except you sounded like a B rated Brokeback Mountain rip off," John says. You raise an eyebrow. Just one. A skill you mastered long ago. The eyebrow is raised in Egbert's direction, because for playful banter he sure sounded mad. "-uh, sweetie!" He adds and his futile attempt to save the fucking train wreck of whatever this is, is almost laughable. You would be actually laughing if you weren't fuming.

"John Egbert! You better sit down and listen you god damn piece of miserable shit garbage." He opens his mouth to protest but the look you give him shuts him up and he sits down on a chair that has been moved next to his couch. "Good. First of all. Who the ever loving SHIT is this?" You point to the lanky sack of dicks taking up the entire couch and picking marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms. (You now hate him even _more_. Your hate levels are nearing their max and that's a dangerous scenario.)

"Sup. I'm Dave." He says, mouth full.

"Sup _asshole_." Your sarcasm is tangible. It has a literal physical presence in the room and it’s punching everyone in the face. "I'm Karkat. This moron’s best friend. If you can even call me that anymore." You give John a seething look of betrayal and he shies away once more. Fucking good.

 

**Dave: Ask Karkat’s blessing for you to ask John’s hand in interspecies marriage, without mentioning that it would be interspecies because you don’t want to get murdered=== >**

“DAVE!” John blurts, red faced, “Don’t propose to me through Karkat!”

“Don’t worry babe, I was gonna take you out to a real nice dinner and propose all classic-style. Red roses, down on one knee, go to Jared and everything. Just needed to check in with the in-laws so they don’t think I knocked you up. We don’t need no shotgun wedding all up in here.”

“Shut uuuppp!” John whined, still embarrassed. Clearly he was missing the whole ‘I'm nervous rambling because holy shit, you invited a hunter over’ deal. You know Karkat’s got blood type angel-negative because you’ve been trying to mind control him the fuck outta here since basically the moment he arrived but he hasn’t even noticed.

“Hey shitstain, you better not be trying to plan John’s wedding without me.” Karkat huffs, jabbing a finger at you and trying to look intimidating despite the fact that he was like, five foot four. “I’ll have you know we, and by ‘we’ I mean ‘I’, have had every minute detail ironed out since we were fifteen. And even if John were to try and change anything, because admittedly getting slimed at the altar was probably funnier when you’re a ninth-grader and don’t realize how fucking expensive suits are, it sure as baby Jesus’s blessed dirty diapers wouldn’t be the playlist. The soundtrack of John’s wedding has been hewn in stone more sacred than the most venerated icon of any major religion to date, and as such can never be tampered with.”

Well shit. Now here was a worthy rival in the realm of rambling.

“Can we all please stop talking like me and Dave are getting married? And Karkat stop yelling! You’re gonna wake up my old lady neighbor.”

“Yeah, you’re right John. I forgot that you will NEVER MARRY THIS SMUG DOUCHEMUFF- MMMFGGGFFMM.” John slapped his hand over Karkat’s mouth mid-rant. He fumed.

“Seriously. It’s like midnight.”

“Don’t worry man,” you add, “If you prefer we don't get married we'll just live in sin for the rest of our lives.”

Karkat knocked John’s hand away and turned his now-barely-volume-controlled rage on you. You get the feeling that he’s probably not all that dangerous really. But then again, he was also a Nephilim and would probably slit your throat if he knew what you really were. He seemed to be contemplating it regardless.

“That reminds me, what the fuck was that phone call about? Were you actually doing it while you have a broken leg? Also, how did that actually happen? For some reason I'm doubting it was "parkour". Note the "enclosure talons", denoting the reasonable suspicion I have over that ridiculous notion." Karkat was going to give himself carpal tunnel with all those air quotes. John got him a kitchen chair to sit in to be more comfortable as he grilled you. Karkat sat in it backwards, forearms resting on the back of it in a way that annoyed you for some reason.

“Alright, I give. John did it with his hammer,” you say in a deadpan. John’s jaw drops.

“Uh, Dave!?” He interrupted hysterically.

“The hammer being his penis of course,” you continue to Karkat casually. “I broke my leg having sex.”

“You did WHAT? HOW?”

“Sex. You know, the thing grown-ups do?” You tugged on John’s too-big Back to the Future shirt you were wearing to emphasize your point. “It was some very powerful sex. And it’s not broken, I just pulled something,” you add so Karkat might actually buy this bullshit. “John splinted it because he’s paranoid. And I indulged him, because I love him very much. Because I am his boyfriend. And we fuck gratuitously, every day and into the wretched, sinful night.”

Karkat glared at you. You aren’t sure if he just has one hell of a resting bitch-face, or if he’s just hated you since the moment he laid eyes on you. “John, is what this moron saying anything even nearing the boarders of Not-Fucking-Around-Land?”

“Yes? I mean no! Whatever the answer is that means he’s telling the truth. It was some crazy sex that we just had! So much sex. We were uh, following some of Vriska’s Sexy Sex Tips for Having Sexy Sex! Her sexy sex tips are kind of extreme. Things got out of hand.”

“You mean that horrible blingeed thing she made in senior year when you were both virgins? With the fire sex?”

The only thing you were really getting from this conversation is that you really needed to read these sexy sex tips because they sounded hilarious. You decide to try and cut them off before Karkat goes off on another high-volume tangent. He was starting to hurt your head.

“Yeah Karkat, the fire sex was so real. Personally I’m exhausted from all that sexy fire death sex, so do you mind hitting the road? Now that I’ve been confirmed as John’s for real boyfriend and also awesome, I think it’s time for you to scram.”

“In your dreams, asshole. This is FAR from over. All of John’s romantic suitors-“ who the fuck called dates _that_ anymore _?_ “-go through a rigorous screening process performed by yours truly. Get ready for the interrogation of a lifetime. North Korean border patrol has nothing on this. But that comes later.” Karkat turned to John, “Speaking of introductions, you know Jade and Jake are getting in tomorrow? I hope you didn’t tell them before you told me because fuck family, I am your love guru and I get to know these things first.”

John shrunk a little. “Uhh, about that… I kinda accidentally told Jake. But don’t tell Jade or Jane or anyone else please! This is a secret!”

“Oh yeah of COURSE it’s a secret, the least well-kept secret in the history of his rat’s ass of a universe! What’s the deal with it being a secret anyway? You’re acting over the fucking moon weird about this.”

“I’m not being weird! I just don’t want anyone else to meet Dave yet! Maybe in like a few weeks! Who knows we might not even be together by then and we can all just pretend this never happened!”

“Pretend it never happened? Like hell I’m going to do that! The fact that you were finally able to come to the point where you could even attempt a relationship with another dude alone is history textbook worthy. You aren’t getting off that easy.”

“Oh come _on_ , dude,” you half groan. “Alright alright, you can drill me and make sure I’m worthy of John’s maidenly honor or something. But for the love of Christ could you just split already? I’ve kinda had a day and would appreciate.” You give him your best glare through your shades. You wear shades pretty much all the time when you don’t feel like using glamour to hide your eyes, so your sunglasses-glares are a pretty high level. Super saiyan, possibly even Kage level, if you will.

Karkat exhales a huge, dramatic breath and raises his brown eyes to the heavens, muttering something in Spanish. “Fine. I don’t even know why I bring this on myself. John, why are you in a romantic relationship with such a ginormous tool?”

“Heh, you know what they say. Opposites attract!”

You throw a handful of cereal at John for that, even if the pun was good. There was mostly only the shitty not-marshmallow Lucky Charms left anyway.

“Hey!”

“You deserved that.”

Karkat stood up with another dramatic groan. “I guess I won’t encroach on your little lover’s quarrel.”

“Thank god,” you mutter.

“John, you have to tell your family eventually,” Karkat says to a crestfallen John. “I’ll keep it from Jade for as long as I can, but she has ways John. _Girl ways._ I wouldn’t count on her not finding out some other way. So either get him out of your apartment or just stop being a baby and introduce him.”

“I’ll, uh, think about it! Thanks Karkat, bye!!” John physically shoved his friend out of the apartment, slamming the door after him.

“Well that went well.”

John groans, sliding down the door into a miserable pile of woe-is-me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	6. VI

**VI.**

**Dave, formulate a plan === >**

“So I guess I might have to sneak outta here a little earlier than I thought. As soon as I’m somewhat mobile I’m gonna split.”

“Yeah that’s for the best. We’ll just have to make sure no one sees you or we are both _so_ fucked.”

“You’re tellin’ me. Now could I trouble you for some sweatpants and a blanket? Of course I can, you broke my fucking leg.”

“Sure, but you can’t keep using that line forever! I said I was sorry didn’t I?” John went into what you assume is the bedroom anyway.

“Fine, I’ll just use it until I stop being in really inhumane amounts of pain.” You whine, because you’re mostly just whining. Like yeah your leg still hurts like a bitch and the blessed ink is like a bad sunburn but your pain tolerance is pretty damn high. You’ve had a lot worse before after all.

John comes back with a pair of sweats that look way too big for you, curse his beefy gams. “Sorry I don’t really have anything more than first aid around here. I know some healing magic but I'm not that good at it. My sister has healing spells that would probably work on demons but I don’t think you meeting her is a good idea…”

“Probably not,” you say as you contemplate how to take off half-jort monstrosities that were once your favorite jeans. Pulling them down over the splint sounded awful. Fuck it, they were ruined anyway. You grab where John had cut the material away and rip the denim off.

“Ack! Dave!” John had spun away from you, the back of his neck red.

“What?”

“I didn’t expect to see you ripping your pants off! Literally! You gotta warn me!”

You laugh at that as you wiggle out of the tatters of your jeans. What a baby, you have boxers on and everything. “Sorry for assaulting your eyes with my smoking bod without warning. Next time I will warn you about the stairs. Can I have the pants now? And no peeking, you perv.” John tosses you the pants and a blanket.

“Goodnight sweetums!” You call after him. He groans.

 

**John: Wallow === >**

You are now once again John Egbert, and you are currently attempting to smother yourself with your own pillow. Well. Not really. You are groaning into your pillow miserably however. Ugh. You didn't think your situation could get any worse after you brought an injured demon to your house, but you clearly didn't knock on enough wood when you thought that thought! Because fate decided that Karkat had to meet Dave too apparently. Honestly you're amazed he didn't figure out that Dave was a demon, because he’s a hunter too! (Sorta, he didn't really hunt much like you did, but he still had the blood and knew about demons) You will also be lucky if Jade isn't barking down your door the second she lands because Karkat totally sucks at keeping secrets. Especially relationship secrets. Especially especially relationship secrets from his girlfriend (who is Jade).

One time you told him that you had a crush on a pretty blonde girl in high school named Stacy, and Jade knew within an hour. Which meant Jane and Jake also knew. Which meant your chances with her instantly became basically zero. Which isn't why you don't want your family to meet Dave by the way! You don't want them to meet him because they would literally try to kill him. Especially Jane. Jane would like. Gut him with a spoon. She would probably gut you too while she was at it.

You shudder.

You’re not even sure how you actually feel about fake dating Dave, let alone real dating him. Obviously he's a demon so that's kind of a deal breaker right off the bat... But if he were a normal human... Maybe... He was really funny even if he hated on Mcconaughey, and physically. Well you had been having a hard time getting the image of his tattooed chest out of your head. Gah! It was weird! Demons shouldn't be funny and nice and definitely shouldn't be hot. Even if they are Incubi.

Bluh! You make another noise into your pillow and try to go to sleep but now that you're thinking about actually dating Dave you can't stop. He is super hot, and clever, and nice (for a demon) and even if you don’t end up dating you actually kind of want to be his friend. Not that he would even want to be your friend after you broke his freaking leg! You’d be lucky if he didn't try to kill you once he healed. Which you really hope he doesn't. Not that you wouldn't deserve it. You eventually drift off into a troubled sleep, because despite how upset you are, you're still exhausted.

**John: Wake up and realize it was all a bad dream === >**

Nice try smart ass! You cannot realize it was a bad dream because everything that happened last night was painfully real. Probably more painful on Dave's part, but still.

**John, get on Dave's good side. === >**

Your Nana always told you the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach. You didn't think you would be taking her advice so soon, but you decide to make Dave breakfast because you do feel seriously bad for breaking his leg, and after much wallowing and brooding last night you decided you do want to be friends with him! Or at least be on good terms while he's healing on your couch. He's out cold when you sneak into your kitchen and grin. The smell of bacon, sausages, eggs, and English muffins wakes him up and he's like a dog, head perking up and looking around blearily as he tries to identify where the smell is coming from. You laugh a little and wave.

"Morning sleepyhead! I made breakfast."

"Holy shit yes. Hell yes. Get that over here or I will literally crawl across the floor like the grudge to get some."

"Your leg would not be happy if you did that dude. But don't worry it's almost done. I was planning on doing a whole breakfast in bed because I'm like the best fake boyfriend ever, but you woke up and ruined it."

"Shoot Egbert I'm swooning. Swooning so hard, catch me before I swoon all over the place."

"Please don't fall off the couch, that is another a good way to fuck up your leg." You pile up the food onto two plates, and pull your coffee table and a chair over. You even help Dave sit up, and he only winces in pain a little. Which reminds you of something. "Oh! Hold on one sec!" You scurry over to where you dumped your messenger bag last night and fish out the sacred ink again. You wish you had something that wouldn't hurt Dave, and you'd never tried a healing rune on a demon so this might backfire spectacularly. But you decided to be friends now! Which means you should try your hardest to make things less shitty for him, even if you don’t really know what you’re doing. Dave doesn't need to know that part. You return to where Dave is already scarfing down the food like a man who hasn't eaten in weeks. Which is ridiculous because you literally watched him down three whole pizzas last night by himself.

"You're gonna get so fat." You remark, as you kneel down between Dave's legs. To check on his injury! _Obviously!!_

"Nah bro, demon metabolism. It's basically impossible for me to gain more than like three pounds on food alone."

"That is so unfair!" You groan, shaking your head. He;s still in your sweats from when he ripped off his pants last night, and you try not to blush too hard as you push the fabric up and uncap the ink. You feel wave a guilt wash over you as you inspect the massive bruise that is forming where your hammer connected.

"Oh fuck no. I thought you were gonna go all sexy nurse on me then give me a sweet BJ to top off this hella breakfast, get that burning shit away from me." He tries to pull away but that's basically impossible.

"Dude relax. I'm just going to put a little rune on to help with the pain! Chill. It's gonna be fine." You are blushing so hard right now, and Dave pointing out how you were kinda in prime blowjob-giving position is not helping!

"Alright..." He sounds nervous, but you give him your best, most confident smile. You _swear_ you could even see a little bit of a blush color his otherwise pale cheeks. Which makes you realize again how awkward your position is. Shit. You focus on his leg, and not the semi boner he is now sort of sporting?? Oh god. Oh god abort mission abort mission.

You do not abort mission because you are A MAN. A man of medicine who is a total professional and not distracted by your fake boyfriend’s halfie. The seal is a super basic one, and he makes a painful hiss as the ink brushes his thigh, but he relaxes after you finish. Cool! It looked like it worked!

"Did that help?" You ask nervously, standing up and getting out of that awkward position as quickly as possible. Geez.

**Dave: For the love of demon jesus christ, get a grip=== >**

“Yeah. That evil swill stings like a bitch but I think so,” you say as you attempt to get a grip. You _cannot_ believe you just popped a halfie over John. Like, not that he isn’t totally hot and completely boner-worthy. Or that it isn’t completely his fault for getting all up in your crotch’s business when you’re _really_ hungry. Just christ almighty, you are not fifteen anymore and you thought you had enough self-control to keep your dick down, Incubus libido be dammed. Guess not.

John was still blushing furiously. “Uh! Awesome. I wasn’t sure if that would work. Yeah. My sister’s spells are pretty good.”

“Just as long as it doesn’t backfire once it realizes the blood of the devil is in my veins. You can take it off right? The holy healing doodle I mean.” You wonder if he would take the seal on your chest off yet but decide not to push that yet.

“Yeah. But blessed ink only comes off with holy water that probably wouldn’t feel that nice, so you should probably wait for it to go away on its own. That kind of seal is supposed to disappear over time but I’m also not that good so I don’t know how long it will last.”

“I’ll take it anyway. Thanks.” You almost surprise yourself with how sincere you are. John is still of course the bastard hunter that had shattered your leg and doodled his stinging holy swill all over you… but he seems genuinely sorry about it, and really is trying to help you out. John is a good guy. For a hunter, that is.

“So, you got a job or something? Or was it just stalking me,” you say in attempt to change the subject to something less awkward. He sits in his chair again and takes a sip of some orange juice.

“No! I go to college mostly. I also do jobs for my guild sometimes.”

“Jobs that I’m assuming don’t involve killing hominids?” You quirk an eyebrow.

“Bluh! I’m good at the other kinds of demons. And not all my jobs are killing things. Sometimes I just have to drive them out, or set up wards or something. What do you do? Besides DJing at clubs?”

“How do you… right. Stalking me. I forgot.” You sent him a pointed look and John ducked his head in shame.

“Bluh! I said I was sorry!”

“Yeah yeah. I’m fucking with you. Mostly. But yeah I get odd jobs from the Veil whenever I need some extra cash. Otherwise I DJ. I actually make a pretty penny selling music and photography sometimes, and I’ve been messing around with some short films lately.”

“That’s so… hipster.”

You throw a toast crust at him.

“But also cool! I’m actually kinda jealous. My Nanna and Popop are paying almost all my expenses. Making money from music and artsy stuff sounds pretty tough.”

You shrug. “It’s up and down. My spectacular people skills help out.”

John’s eyes widen a bit. “You mind control people into selling your stuff? Dave! That’s illegal!”

“No,” you snap. “I don’t compulse people into liking my stuff. I do take some pride in my work. But when it comes to trying to get into clubs, or a gallery showing or something… I’m just very charming.” You don’t know why you feel bad about this all of the sudden. You barely even use anything.

“That’s still dishonest! And you know using any sort of compulsion on humans is illegal. It’s one of the reasons it was legal for me to come after you. Breaking laws and not being in a sect is such a bad idea for a demon, Dave.”

“So now you’re preaching to me? The sect system is bullshit anyway. Sects and guilds are just there for assholes who want to stroke their own egos and because hunters are afraid of us.” You say it with a little more venom than you were expecting.

John is taken aback. “That isn’t even true! Is that seriously a big enough reason for you to stay an unregistered rouge demon? It’s dangerous. Sects are there to protect demons!”

“They don’t protect anyone. Demons in sects get picked off all the time and those bastards get off scot-free by pinning it on so called “rouge” hunters.”

“Dave… that kind of thing isn’t that common. What’s gotten into you?” The fucking asshole had the gall to look _concerned_ about you. Sheltered little pretty boy hunter. What did he know?

“Nothin’. Forget it.” You itched at the ink on your chest absently; it felt like a rash. In a rebellious little impulse you stripped off John’s shirt.

“Your seal’s itchy,” you say pointedly at John’s startled expression. “Now will you find me the remote or something? I’m gonna die of boredom.” For a moment you wonder if John’s going to offer to take off the seal on your chest, or maybe kick you to the curb. But instead he just tosses the remote at your face and cleans up breakfast with a little more aggression than strictly necessary. Gordon Ramsey is the first thing that comes on the TV and you leave it there. You get that nagging bit of guilt again but ignore it. Nothing you said was untrue, but you still get the feeling Terezi would still convict you for being an ass in a court of scalemate law. Well fuck you TZ.

Maybe you should be nicer to John. It isn’t really his fault he doesn’t know how the world of hunters and demons really worked. You aren’t apologizing but. Maybe you’ll cut down on the assholeness. You swear you can hear TZ snickering at you, or was that Rose? Too many know-it-all ladies in your life.

“So. You uh, go to college? I went for like two years. You slackin’ on homework for little ol’ me? Such a gentleman.” You throw on the Texan accent hard to lighten the mood.

“Yeah. I don’t want my sister to come by when I’m gone and gut you. _And_ get me in a ton of trouble for harboring you.”

Ouch. There is some ice in John’s tone. Not much but more than you expected.

“That sounds like a plan. And hey, if it comes down to it, just say I have some sort of ultra-compulsion that works on Nephilim. They’ll probably buy it.”

“That’s… actually a good idea. But I’d rather just not get caught.”

“Mm. So is your sister the one that’s flying in? The one Karkat is not supposed to tell on?”

“No, my sister Jane lives in the city, but she always calls before dropping by. She’s polite like that. My cousins are the ones flying in, Jade and Jake. Jade should be in today sometime. I don’t know how well I can keep them away, but if any of them of them see you it’ll be bad news. They’re way more experienced than Karkat and they’ll recognize you on the spot.”

You nod. “Right. I’ll keep it in mind.”

A moment passed until John spoke again. “So what about you? What about your family? Why aren’t you talking to them?”

You probably owed him that much. You get the feeling that Dirk never would say a word about your family to a Nephilim no matter what but you push that thought away. Fuck him.

“It’s really my brother Dirk I fell out with. I’m on okay terms with my sisters, Rose and Roxy. We talk sometimes. They want me to come crawling back to Houston with my tail between my legs but fuck that. I’m from Texas by the way.”

“Pft, yeah, I could tell by the accent.”

“Fuck you. It’s not even bad. Your Northwestern accent is much worse. Ya’ll sound like a bunch of Canadians.”

“Canadians are cool shut up. What did you fight with your brother about? I’ve fought with Jake and he’s basically my brother but never enough to run away from home over!”

“I doubt he’s as much of an overprotective pretentious asshole as Dirk is. The guy’s a douchebag who doesn’t realize I’m not five years old anymore. He acts like I need someone to change my diapers and hold my hand to I cross the street. He’s not… he isn’t my guardian anymore so I can take care of myself.”

“Says the guy who got his ass kicked.”

“Shut up. I don’t need his help. I got to keep all this on the down low from him and my sisters. Them finding out about this would be the actual worst thing. Dirk’s a real Incubus and Rose and Rox got magic up the hizzle from our mom so they’re all objective badasses who would fuck things up. I mean not that I could talk to them anyway since I either dropped my phone in the alley or it got smashed to pieces. And no offense,” you say when he starts to speak, “but I’m not putting any demons I know into a hunter’s call history. Nothing personal.”

John pulls a face.

“Which reminds me,” you continue, “I was totally supposed to DJ at the Veil tonight. Fuck. TZ’s gonna kick my ass when I don’t show.”

“Can’t you just mind control yourself back into their good graces?” John says with A Look. Apparently he hasn’t let that go yet.

“No asshole, that’s a demon club. My life isn’t _that_ easy.” Honestly, when is it ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was gay  
> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	7. VII

**VII.**

**John: Check out Dave’s mix tape === >**

You lend Dave your laptop and he pulls up The Cloud. Which is something you have never understood or even knew you had. Welp Dave is apparently a technomancer or some shit, but hey! At least you now have his mix for tonight’s show on a flash drive and a new mission equipped to your echeladder quest map. You are certainly on your way to the lofty tier of Boy Skylark! Besides you really wanted to get some groceries, so you might as well make a day out of it. But it’s only like eleven o’clock, so you decide to challenge Dave to a duel, Mario Kart style. (After you clean up your dishes obviously because you may be a college student but you’re not a barbarian). He selects Peach because he’s a giant nerd. You chose Luigi because you’re a man with taste. He completely kicks your ass, and when you accuse him of cheating he just shrugs.

“Dude, Mario Kart is like my family’s bread and butter. It’s how we do eighty percent of our bonding and one hundred percent of our problem solving. If you think I’m good you should see Roxy, she’s like number four in the nation.”

“No way!”

“Way.”

“You must be using like demon majyks or something.”

“Or I’m just bribing the judges with my smoking hot bod, in this skin tight motorcycle suit.”

“Mario Kart doesn’t even had judges!”

“Then what the shit are those floaty guys in the clouds, huh?”

“They’re like, the lap indicators or something. Like what the sexy chicks in real life car races do.”

“Well shit, I think they’re even sexier than those irl sexy chicks, oh shit Blue shell.”

“Hehehe.”

“You bastard.”

 

It goes on like this for several hours, and by the time you actually manage to beat him on a lap it's four and you really should go get your groceries. Maybe even pick up your laundry from the dry cleaners. Wow you're getting pretty ambitious with your errands but what can you say, you're an ambitious guy.

"Alright I am out like a trout!" You announce, as you slip on your shoes and a jacket that makes you feel like a hard boiled PI (Which is what your Dad's job was aside from demon hunting). Dave grunts in response, his eyes glued to the TV screen, completely entranced by the Zelda game that you had the decency to give him a save file on. "If Jake or Jade show up just pretend no one’s home! Jade might smell the demon though, so uh, let’s just hope she doesn't show up." You keep forgetting about her new werewolf super senses, which were handy at times, but super annoying in this case.

It's raining outside and no one is surprised. It's always raining here. Always. You have long since abandoned sneakers, and are pretty much always wearing rain boots at this point. It kind of ruins the hard boiled Private Investigator look, but at least your feet are warm and dry unlike other Seattle hipsters.

You resist the urge to splash in the puddles along the street, because you are an adult, but only marginally. When you and Jade were kids you used to compete to see who could make the biggest splash, and when you say kids you mean like last month, because you can still remember the death glare this dude gave you when he was caught in the puddle cross fire. You would prefer to avoid those kind of situations when you don't have your huge cousin to hide behind. Boy! You sure are lucky Jade is six foot three. You would have gotten your ass kicked a long time ago. (You still get your ass kicked regardless, it's just less likely if Jade is there).

You finally make it around to The Veil, with grocery bags hanging heavily from your hands. It’s a dingy bar/restaurant/club that is popular with both Nephilim and demons but mostly the latter. The flash drive in your pocket is passed onto to a drakania girl named Terezi with small glamoured horns and red sunglasses. What is she the Daredevil? Either way she gives you a sharp toothed grin when you tell her you're dropping it off for Dave, and pulls you in deeper into the club to get Dave’s pay. All the demons around make you uneasy, they always do, but a familiar face helps ease your anxiety. You wander over to Jack Noir, who was your dad's old hunting partner, and is basically your uncle.

"Hey kid." He says with a grin, pulling his gross smelling cigar out of his mouth to greet you. He's surrounded by a group of similarly dressed men, and you have the creeping suspicion that you are interrupting something. "Wha're you doin' here?" He asks in that thick New York accent he has and you shrug in response.

"Just, uh, dropping off something for my boyfriend!" You say, unsure of how to explain why you're here without giving up Dave. Because the only thing worse than Jane finding out about Dave would be if Jack found out, because Jack has never had any mercy when it comes to hunting. Sometimes you even think he enjoys killing.

"You're joking right? You're not some pansy who goes around dating other boys are ya?" He narrows your eyes and you fidget a little.

"No! Uh, yeah? Maybe, I'm still kind of figuring it out I guess? I don't know." You shrug and the intense stare down he was giving you eases up slightly. You always get the feeling that you're going to spontaneously combust under his gaze, and now that you think about it you're sort of wondering why you came over here in the first place. Noir is hardly an inviting person, and the look he's giving you is a combination of disgust and annoyance, which clearly means he wants you to leave so he can get back to whatever he was talking about.

"I hope you figure things out kid, I would hate for you to be one of those kinds a kids. I tell ya, that's what I hate about this city. All these god damn freaks who think that shit's normal when it's downright unnatural." The way he says that makes you blood run cool and your gut drop slightly. You nod and then awkwardly excuse yourself, basically booking it to Terezi for the money. You can hear Dave's mix blasting from the stereos as you bolt out of the door and it fills your senses. You don't see Jack's lip curl up with disgust, or hear him mutter, "Follow him" to one of the men in black suits surrounding him.

Jack's comment is ringing in your ears as you walk home, and you don't notice the stout man in the black fedora following you. You never thought anyone would react that way... Let alone him! You had always looked up to him as a kid, and hearing him say that... It was like hearing your dad say that. He was obviously not your dad, nowhere near it, but he had known your dad best, and if he thought that... Then it was pretty obvious your dad must have thought that too.

You try to fight your dropping mood, but it hangs over you worse than a thunder storm hangs over Seattle. Yellow boots slosh through the puddles, as you make your way back home to your apartment.

 

**Be the demon=== >**

The demon is occupied! Hyrule must be saved at all costs. He has no time for you to “be” him!

 

**Then be the hunter!=== >**

The hunter is trudging through the rain staring at the ground. He is too mopey right now. Being him would probably be a drag. Pick someone else!

 

**Fine, sheesh. Be the other hunter=== >**

Be Jack Noir? You shudder at the very thought.

 

**Be the _other other_ hunter, dimwit=== >**

You are now the other other hunter, known colloquially as JADE HARLEY, and boy are you MAD! That John had even tried to keep a secret was amazing enough. You remember one birthday when you were a kid that was supposed to be a surprise party, until John got too excited and spilled to you. After that every surprise party had to be a secret from him too. He should know by now that when it came to secret-keeping, John Egbert is simply THE WORST THERE IS! But that he had kept something as important as romance a secret? You are simply flabbergasted! This special someone must be very SPECIAL.

Karkat had been a tough nut to break about this one, so you don’t know anything about John’s romantic suitor, even their gender. Your sweet boyfriend was loyal to the end to his friends, which is something you adore about him! In this case it was inconvenient though, which is why you were waiting in the rain in front of John’s apartment building. Keeping his sweetheart from his big sister was a crime (okay, you aren’t _technically_ his big sister, but technicalities are totally lame! You are basically his big sister).

“JADE?!?” Cue one conniving little brother! He’s in so much trouble. You think your excitement might be outweighing your anger though. Maybe you’ll go easy on him if he comes quietly! And if his date is cute.

“Hi John!” You beam. He was still on the other side of the road when he spotted you, though you could hear him loud and clear with your newly improved dog ears. He looks like he’s seen a ghost as he hurries across the street.

“What are you doing here? I thought your flight wasn’t until later” John demanded, putting himself between you and the door to his apartment.

“Is that any way to greet me, dummy? My flight got canceled so I took an earlier one. We haven’t seen each other in weeks and I don’t even get a ‘welcome home, how was the trip’?”

“Uh, welcome home Jade. How was the trip?” He shuffles his shoes nervously as he parrots you, sounding more terrified and less sarcastic than you were expecting.

“It was great! Let’s go inside and we can have a looooong talk about it.” You waggle your eyebrows at him, but John just goes pale with fright. Were you innuendo-ing too hard? Why was John so freaked out? All you’re gonna do is grill him relentlessly about his new love interest.

“No thanks! My place is kinda a mess right now! And I have no food around, so let’s go somewhere to eat and talk about your trip!”

“Uh, John? You’re holding grocery bags. Usually those contain some sort of food!”

John glances down at his bags like he forgot they were there. “Oh! Right! Uh well there’s nothing good in here. It’s all like, really gross diet food! For the diet I am on. It’s not good so let’s go out and get some real food!”

“I thought you were on a diet?”

“I start on it tomorrow! So I want to pig out today. How about steak? You love steak!”

“John, I do love steak and am always in the mood for it, forever. Why don’t we go put your gross diet food away and we can go get some?”

“Yeah sure! Wait here though!” John’s voice was wavering like a fourteen year old’s. What’s gotten into him? Unless…

“Oh my gosh!” You pipe suddenly, delighted. You clasp your hands together. “They’re here aren’t they? In your apartment?”

John goes white as a sheet and drops his grocery bags. “I don’t know what you could mean by that accusation!”

“Please John, Karkat dropped some hints. Accidentally of course, he’s a very good friend. I know you have your secret lover up there! Why can’t I meet them?” The last question you pose seriously. John looks freaked out, more so than if he had just been caught sneaking dates around.

“Uhh…”

“John? What’s wrong?”

 

**Jade: Realize a different ‘what’ that is wrong=== >**

Your new wolfy body had many annoyances, the animal sixth sense is not one of them. You keep your body language and voice the same as it had been before.

“Wait. John, why is someone watching you?”

He starts a little at that, but he’s been being so jumpy you don’t think that could tip off your little stalker.

“I… Who is it?” He asks timidly.

“I’m not sure. But they’re watching us from a little ways off right now.”

John is silent for a few moments.

“Jade… you trust me, right?” Your little cousin-basically-brother doesn’t quite meet your eyes.

“Of course.”

“And if you found out I’d done something I probably shouldn’t have… you wouldn’t freak out right away? You’d let me at least explain first?”

“John… I you wouldn’t do anything intentionally bad. I’ll help you take care of any mess you get into. That’s what family is for.” You reach out and squeeze his hand. He nods, looking a little more relieved.

“I know. Can you get rid of whoever’s watching me? Discretely? Don’t kill anybody, just get them off my back.”

“No problem. Do you have any idea who they are? What kind of trouble did you get yourself into?”

“It could be a lot of people, and I can’t tell you right now. But if someone’s tailing me it’s worse than I thought it was.”

You put your hands on your hips. It was time for Jade to come to the rescue, yet again! “Alright, just leave them to me. Should I tell anyone else about this?”

He shook his head. “The fewer people know about this the better. We can tell someone else we trust if I really need the help. Is that okay?”

“That’s fine. But you have to tell me what’s going on after I lose the tail. Deal?”

“… Alright. Just be careful Jade. It might even be a hunter.”

You nod. This isn’t looking good, especially if John’s made enemies of other hunters. You were determined though; whoever messed with your family would regret it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont even fuck with jade  
> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> knock knock  
> it's plot

**VIII.**

**Dave: Relish in your newfound mobility=== >**

After beating the fire temple you decide to try walking. John’s healy-sealy thing stung and gave you random bouts of tingling and itching up your leg, but you’re pretty sure it’s working. It had been around twenty-four hours since John had broken it but it seems like longer and you’re more than ready to be up again. You swing your legs around so you’re sitting upright- so far so good. You try to put some weight on it, which hurts, but it feels like your femur is now all in one piece at least. When you try to stand up you almost immediately lose your balance and curse. The splint is annoying as shit.  By the time you hear a key turn in the lock you are able to limp around the apartment with the help of a broom you’re using as a walking stick.

You stiffen when the door opens, broom raised like a sword, but it’s only John. His raincoat is soaked and you know his emotional-aura-thing enough by now to tell he’s nervous to the point of petrified.

“What happened?” You ask instantly, lowering your broom sword.

“Hey, you’re up! And a lot of things. My cousin was waiting outside my building. Also I’m being followed.”

“What?! Oh, fuck. Does your cousin know about me? They gonna slit my throat? Is your _stalker_ gonna slit my throat?” Christ al-fucking-mighty.

“Uh kinda no, probably not, and I don’t know.”

You sag against the couch. “Fucking fantastic. Do you know who’s following you? Could it even _conceivably_ be for something other than demon-napping?”

John sets the groceries on the counter but doesn’t put them away. “I don’t know who it is, and it’s probably about you? I was pretty sure no hunters saw me take you here! I asked my cousin, Jade by the way, to get whoever they are off my ass so we can figure out what to do. In exchange I promised to tell her what’s going on. There’s a chance she’ll be cool about it if I can explain everything and things go well!”

“And if she isn’t?” You ask almost sarcastically.

“Well, uh…”

“Don’t answer that. Never mind.”

John groans and flops down on the couch, head in his hands. You make your way over and sit next to him, sitting in silence for a moment.

“I’m sorry Dave. I fucked everything up,” he mumbled into his hands. His voice sounds watery. “I shouldn’t have ever brought you back. Actually I shouldn’t have ever attacked you in the first place! Now I’m being followed and we’re both screwed if we get found out!!”

“Whoa, hey. Calm down dude.” You kinda pat his shoulder. Why are you having to calm him down when you’re even more fucked than he is? Right, because you’re the only one who’s totally calm and not freaking out at all and completely cool. You wish your emotional manipulation thing worked on Nephilim. Maybe you would try it anyway?

“I’m probably not gonna calm down Dave! We are so found out, and if it's hunters you’re so dead and I’m less dead but still dead and also is it okay to be gay? I mean I know Jade and Jake are but like?? What would my dad think??”

“Okay. One thing at a time John. Look at me.” John doesn’t move so you tug on his cheek to make him face you. He looks near tears. You made eye contact and tried to get a grip on his emotional aura. You’d never had to actually try to find those before, and when you did it was a pretty tenuous hold. Rolling with it you kicked in as much “chill out” demon magic as you could. You were almost certain this wouldn’t actually work.

“Chill out. I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but we’re for sure fucked if you panic. Let’s wait for Jade for now, okay? And if this even means anything coming from a pansexual Incubus, being gay is totally fine and kinda the lesser of our problems right now. Alright?”

John relaxed, eyes unfocusing a little. “Yeah, I guess…”

Wait. Had that actually worked?

“Holy shit.” John blinked and jumped violently away from you.

“Holy shit! Did you just?! Dave!”

“Kinda? I didn’t think it would work!”

“It kinda did! I thought that was impossible!”

“So did I!”

“Then why did you try it??”

“You were freaking out!”

“Okay well, I’m still kinda freaking out.”

“Sorry I guess?”

“You should be! That was totally rude!”

“Probably. I won’t do that again.”

“Okay. Don’t. That was super weird.”

You both sat in a pretty awkward silence for a second. Awkward silences were for chumps.

“I should’ve made you say “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” while I had the chance.”

That got a grin from him. It looked damn cute on him but that was a stupid thought to have right now, jesus.

“That would have been funny I’ll admit it.” Just then his phone buzzed on the counter. He leapt up and checked it.

“It’s Jade. She says she wants to follow person who tailed me and figure out who they are.”

“She can do that without getting caught?”

“Yeah. She’s actually a werewolf so she has super doggy senses or something. But we have to wait until the person leaves so we have to stay put for a few hours at least. We can’t let them get suspicious that something’s going on.”

“Damn. I kinda wanted to split as soon as I could.” You thought about it for a second. Knowing who John’s little stalker was would be pretty damn useful later. After all this wouldn’t be over when you got out of this apartment. Most people were not cool with Nephilim and hunters getting all buddy-buddy. If/when this got ugly you needed to know as much as you could.

“Alright. I’m okay with it as long as you make me food. I ate all of your cereal and juice and also like thirty toaster waffles, and now it’s time for meat.”

“You ate how much?"

"Carbs aren't as filling as sex is gimme a break."

"Bluh fine. Don’t worry, I got a ton of chicken! I was thinking quesadillas.”

“Excellent.”

**John, make the quesadillas. Be the quesadillas === >**

You are now John Egbert and your quesadillas are probably currency in some countries, and by that you mean you make the meanest chicken quesadilla known to man. Dave has already devoured three by the time you are sitting down to eat your first. You make sure to remind him that he's going to make himself sick, as you pull up a chair and sit down.

"Probably if you keep making such good food, jesus dude you sure there aren't drugs in these?"

"No, but even if there were you would have destroyed them with the ungodly amount of hot sauce you’re having. How is your mouth not on fire?"

"Because hot sauce in the condiment of God."

"If that were true you would actually be on fire." You point out with a smug grin. He pauses, thinks it over and shrugs.

"I would probably put hot sauce on shit even if it was made with blessed silver and holy water."

"I'm pretty sure you would die if you did that. Like. Literal demon death by hot sauce."

"Worth it." You roll your eyes at him and laugh a little into your elbow. You kinda. Sorta. Hope you and Dave can be friends or something after this. (There's no _if_ there _is_ an after this). Even if the whole reason you're in this mess is because hunters and demons aren't supposed to really get along. But! Karkat is friends with a demon you haven’t met. Or at least by Karkat standards of friendship. Which is basically just a lot of yelling.

You're still a little bugged by what Jack said, and also a lot of other things, but Dave was really good at distracting you from them. It almost feels like you’re not under sort of house arrest. Which is cool. You would probably be freaking out really bad if you were by yourself. Then again you probably wouldn't be in this situation if you were by yourself.

Whatever. You shake the thoughts out of your head and take several small bites of the quesadilla before your phone starts buzzing like crazy from your pocket. You jump a little in your seat and scramble to pull it out.

GG: JOHN!!!!!  
GG: GET OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT. NOW.  
GG: things are not going good over here im on my way over there rn  
GG: but you and ur bae need to get out of there asap  
GG: i think the guy tailing you was one of jack's guys which means you messed up pretty bad and some bad people mad with you! meet me at my place like now!

You don't have time to react because before you can open your mouth to tell Dave, there's a knocking at the door.

Oh shit. You go pale, possibly even paler than Dave, and you slide the phone over to him. He has his mouth full of quesadilla but swallowed hard as he read the green text. He has _A Look_ on his face that tells you he's upset. You want to ask what’s wrong but you have to stand up and answer the door. You recognize the man outside as Diamonds Droog. He’s a well-dressed, but violent man, with a cigarette clenched tight in his teeth. He bangs on the door one more time as you watch from the peep hole, grumbling to himself in a way that almost makes his smoke fall out of his mouth. You don't want to open the door but you do it anyways.

Droog gives you a dry look when you open the door, like he really doesn't want to be here. You give him a nervous smile.

"Oh! Hey! Is there something you need?" You ask, trying to keep Dave out of sight with the door, but he pushes his way in-- which is totally rude! He glances at Dave but his gaze doesn't linger.

"Apparently there's a renegade werewolf running around and Noir sent me to check this area out, and on you. You haven't seen anything around here have ya kid?"

"Haha! Nope!! I've been at home for the past hour." You wish your voice didn't get so high when you were nervous or lying.

"Right... Well. Let me know if you see anything. The bitch has already taken out Clubs." Droog's dark eyes wander back to Dave, and you can see the tension in his body. Dave looks like he's about to launch himself at the finely dressed man and strangle him and Droog looks like he's contemplating the consequences of shooting your fake boyfriend- which all things considered there aren’t that many of. That is definitely not what you want or need right now, so you quickly usher Droog back outside, practically slamming the door on him.

"Well! That went well-"

"He didn't believe you." Dave grunted. “That or he recognized me as a demon. Either way shit is about to hit the fan." He forces himself up, using the table as support. He grabs at the broom that he was using as a makeshift cane when you got home and starts making his way towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"After him."

"Why??"

"He's one of Jack's men right?"

"Uh, yeah..."

"Well. Jack Noir is the reason I came to this rainy shit carnival of a city. I'm not letting my only lead walk away- or come back here and shoot us both while we're sleeping."

"He wouldn't do that!" You insist, but honestly you're a little unsure of the fact yourself.

“I promise you he would.”

"But- why are you after Jack anyway?"

"He killed my brother and my mom, and gave me this as a reminder." He says, tugging down your Back to the Future shirt and touching the massive scar over his sternum. Your blue eyes go wide, and you want to ask him questions but what happens next happens very fast.

Gun shots echo from outside your door, as well as a deafening crash as _something_ comes barreling down the hallway outside your door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	9. IX

**IX.**

**John, throw yourself out the window!! === >**

You do not have time to throw yourself out the window because a huge white dog is already tearing your door down. You hear gunfire over breaking glass, and a bullet whizzes past you. It's probably silver. Which is really bad news for Jade if she gets hit but still bad if you get hit! She comes thundering through your apartment like a bullet train with fur. Her teeth find your collar and uses sheer momentum to out Dave out through the window.

You're lucky you chose a river side apartment so you can do cool action movie escapes like this. Which sound cool in theory, but now that you are falling two stories into a river it is significantly less cool. You are screaming and you're pretty sure Dave is too. There are more bullets raining down from above you. But Jade is wrapped around you like a furry roll cage that somehow Dave got tugged into. When the three of you hit the water you feel the shock wave all the way to your bones.

You wake up on the muddy shore of the river with Jade's palm connecting to your cheek in a sharp slap. You gasp awake, sucking in air painfully. You ache down to your core, and the cold of the night feels like it's seeping into your very soul.

"Jade..." You cough out a mouthful of water onto the bank before looking up at your cousin. She's soaking wet- and back to human form. Which means she's completely naked. God dammit.

Jade doesn't have the same silly shameless grin she normally has when she shifts back without clothes. She’s frowning at you, concern clear on her face.

"John! Didn't you get my texts! I told you to get out of there!!"

"I tried! He was literally at my door when I got your messages. And it was totally fine because he was leaving! You didn't have to try to rip his throat out!"

"He was totally not leaving. He was calling Jack to tell him you have a demon in your apartment! Is that true John? Is that guy a demon? Don't even answer that I can smell him and he totally is! What are you thinking?! I shouldn’t have saved him! Do you know what Jane would do if she found out?" Guilt picks at you, but you push yourself away from the overbearing concern of Jade.

"I know Jade! I know I messed up bad, you seriously don't need to remind me because that has literally been the only thing on my mind since I brought him home." You sigh in frustration, pushing your glasses (which somehow survived the fall) up your nose.

"Sorry... Just! What were you thinking John?"

"I really don't know! I broke his leg when I was trying to kill him, but I couldn't kill him so I brought him home and he's not demony or evil like I expected and actually a really cool guy! Bluh! I don't know!"

"Oh my god. Tell me you aren’t actually dating him?”

"No Jade! Geez! Listen! He's just, a dude whose leg I broke, then brought home- and apparently Jack thought something was up because he had me followed. And I really can't have a serious conversation while you're naked so can you please put some clothes on!" You say it all in one breath and there's practically steam coming out of your ears. As you shell off your wet t-shirt for her to wear you turn to see Dave sitting up slowly a few feet away from you. The sunglasses he was wearing were not as lucky as your glasses, and were probably at the bottom of the river. The thought of a catfish wearing the aviators amuses you for a good two seconds before you realize that you are shirtless and Jade is naked and Dave is totally checking both of you out. You decided to blame the part of him that is apparently part sex demon and scramble over to his side. You should probably apologize. And also check his leg. Which might be rebroken.

"Dave! Are you alright? How's your leg? Did you swallow any water?" You know demons can take a pretty significant beating- at least a lot more than a human can- but you're still worried, because once again it is totally your fault that he's in this whole mess.

 

**Dave: Wake=== >**

You wake to a shirtless John and a naked buff chick, both soaking wet. For a moment you are sure you have died and gone to sex demon heaven, before you realize there’s no way sex demon heaven would hurt this bad, at least not in an un-kinky way. Your leg is agonizing and your side stings like a BITCH but you decide you’re probably not going to die in the next few minutes.

“Uh. Yeah I’m alright,” you say to John’s string of questions you didn’t really hear. It’s no cakewalk keeping your eyes on John’s face and not on his bare chest or his naked friend. If you pop a boner now he would never let you live it down.

“Who are you?” You ask naked chick, who was less naked with John’s shirt on, but she was taller than him and had to pull the hem down to cover herself completely. The shirt of course was soaked so it didn’t even do a whole lot… ok shut up Dave, keep it in your pants. “You reek like a dog so I’m assuming you’re that white devilbeast, which makes you a werewolf and so… Jade, right?”

“Yeah. And I was _expecting_ a thank-you, demon!” She radiated fury at you. Yikes. Werewolf or no she’s still a hunter. And also pissed as fuck.

“Okay. Alright, thanks for saving my ass. Let’s not rip any heads off.” You hold your hands up in surrender. There’s not a great chance you could take Jade in a fight even if this was at all the time to do so.

“Why shouldn’t I? Hunters are after John and us now and it’s all your fault!”

“Don’t remind me.” You try to push yourself up but John stops you.

“Slow down! Let me check your leg at least.”

“We don’t have time,” you snap back, “I bet they’re already after us. We need to get out of here.”

“The demon’s right. We only have a few minutes’ head start and we’re on foot.”

You shoot her a look. “Nice to meet you, it’s Dave, how are you?”

“Hey, don’t fight! Dave, are you bleeding?” John pries your hand off your ribs. You realize it’s kind of bloody. Not cool, but it explains the sting.

“Just a graze I think, but silver bullets aren’t very nice. I wasn’t dognapped out of there _quite_ as fast as you were. Now be a dear and help me up.” If looks could kill John would have already witnessed the tragic mutual murder of you and wolf girl. When he gets you to your feet you realize you cannot put any weight on your right leg at all. Perfect. Even your splint was lost in the river along with your shades. Tugging up the leg of one of your soaked sweatpants you notice John’s healing seal was gone, probably broken under the stress of the fall. Even with that taking the brunt of the damage you think your leg is still fractured at least.

“Yikes Dave. Can you walk on that?”

“Uh. Maybe.” There is no fucking way you could walk on it.

“Well I’ll carry you Dave, if you insist!”

“Fuck you. No.”

“John, does he have to come with us? He’s gonna slow us down!” Jade interrupts. She was tearing John’s shirt in half horizontally to make some sort of jungle girl crop top and skirt. You’re a little bit thankful that you are in enough pain to kill a boner.

“Be real, you won’t make it on foot either. How are you planning on getting a car with no money and no demon wiles? No one’s gonna stop for a couple of half-naked people, miss werewolf.”

She bristled, almost literally. “Wait, you can manipulate people? An incubus? Oh my god is that why you keep staring at my boobs?!”

You snap your gaze to the ground. “I’m starving! Give a guy a fucking break! It’s like, a survival mechanism. Eat or die. Flight or fuck. That isn’t the point. If that Noir guy is your enemy then we’re on the same side here. Enemy of my enemy and all that. If you two can help me take the fucker down then I’ll help you get out of this mess. Deal?” You stare down Jade again (in her eyes! Not her boobs). After a moment she scrunches her eyebrows together.

“I don’t like it. But fine. Let’s just get out of here while we can.”

You exhale. The three of you had washed up on a jogging trail that bordered the river. The land sloped up from the water into some trees, and on the other side you could hear a road. Before you can say a word John scoops you up and carries you to the shoulder of the highway.  Hopefully nobody driving by would call the police on you before you convinced them to pick up some half-naked, soaking wet, and bloody hitchhikers.

Snagging people’s minds was hard enough from so far away, and getting them out of a moving car was gonna be a son of a bitch. You’ve never tried anything like this before but then again you had put _John_ under for a few seconds so maybe you could? Rose and Dirk were the ones who were good at the mind powers so that was probably just a fluke. You don’t really like getting into people’s heads this much but it was that or die at this point. Skate or die man. Somehow on the third try of throwing your will at a windshield a dented sedan slows down. You catch a glimpse of the dude driving for half a second, and you’ve got him. He screeches to a stop in the bike lane, staring blankly at you. Whoa. You can’t believe you actually just did that. Fucking sniped. Owned. Critical hit. Headshot.

You make him unlock the car. John helps you into the passenger seat where you lounge as casually as anything, while holding your bleeding side.

“Sup dude,” you grin charmingly. The guy smiles back dumbly and snaps his gum. He looked like the kind of a douchebag that would be named Chad, but he was pretty easy to control. “You’ll help out some hitchhikers, won’t you?”

“Sure bruh,” the human guy answers without a hint of distress. John and Jade slip into the back seat a little hesitantly.

“Uh Dave…?” John trails off. “Are you controlling that guy? Like mind control? Is this okay? This is totally illegal Dave!”

“Yeah. TZ would kick my ass. But we need out of here, yesterday, and I’m not hurting him or anything. Y’all got a better idea?”

“Not really. I guess...” You see Jade shrug even if she looks pissed.

“Sweet. We need somewhere safe for now.” You say without looking at them. “Anyone got a safehouse stashed somewhere?"

“We have kind of a hideout in the city.” John pipes up, “I’m pretty sure it’s a secret from Jack and it has a lot of our family’s demon hunting stuff! Uh, no offense Dave.”

“I agree. We should warn Jake and Jane too,” Jade added. “It’s downtown. I’ll tell you where to go when we get close.”

“You heard the lady,” you say to the human guy, “Get going. Give me your shirt first though.”

He doesn’t hesitate to unbutton his flannel. “Haha, no homo man!” Christ. Of all people did you have to pick up this douchebag? You strip off John’s Back to the Future shirt and hold it against your bleeding side like the most terrible bandage. It’s not that bad of a cut but silver makes demons bleed badly. With the douche flannel on it isn’t that noticeable.

“Okay, you’re not going to talk anymore. Don’t listen to us either. Just drive and don’t speed so much, christ.”  You put your hand on his upper arm so you can keep a connection on him without eye contact.

“Wow. Dave this is…” You look back at John whose face was screwed up like he’d eaten something rotten. “Creepy. Seeing mind control up close is creepy. Bluh. Do you do this to people all the time?”

“No way. Seducing people doesn’t take nearly this much control. I don’t outright mindfuck people unless I really need to, and anyway this guy just has no mental resistance like at all. ‘Bout time we get some luck.”

Jade pulled a face that looked exactly like John’s. It was kind of uncanny. “Just only do this when we really need it please? This is really bad. We’re taking advantage of the poor guy!”

“If you want to chip in for gas be my guest. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.”

“I guess. Hey Dave, what were you saying earlier? About Noir and your brother?” John asks. You stiffen a little. Turning back to face forward you scan the other cars and keep your face blank.

“Not really your problem. I’ve just been trying to track the fucker down for like a year now- it’s why I came here in the first place. I only found out his real name like two months ago.” Terezi had helped you out on that one. She is really into justice and wholeheartedly supported your revenge thing. Or whatever it was.

“Uh. What will you do when you find him?” John shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“Take him out for a coffee and talk about the latest Gossip Girl. The fuck you think? He royally fucked my life over so excuse me for still being kind of pissed about it.”

“Yeah, but I mean… I kinda-”

“Can you just drop it? Let’s get out of this mess first then deal with that. At a time that isn’t now.” If a Venn diagram was drawn of times you were soaking wet and bleeding in a hijacked frat boy’s car with two half-naked hunters, and times when you wanted to pour your angsty little heart out about Jack Motherfucking Noir, those circles would overlap for exactly one point, that point being “no, not even when I’m dead, you shitheads, does this look like a late-night Dr. Phil special to you?”.

“Bluh, okay I guess.”

Jade’s brows were furrowed but you ignore it. You concentrated on making dudebro here not freak the fuck out and run you guys off the road or something.

“Wait,” you say to the dude, “pull over here.”

“Why are we stopping?” Asks Jade, tensing up.

“Chill. You want some clothes or not? I doubt hunters will be scouring tourist traps just yet.” Dudebro had parked (illegally, but whatever) in front of one of the many souvenir shops that dotted downtown Seattle.

After relieving Dudebro of all the cash in his wallet (‘dave this poor guy!!’, ‘would you rather not have clothes’) John helps you out of the car. Jade glares but agrees to stay in the car with the human guy, who you put into a temporary daze. She must _really_ not think you’re dangerous in the state you’re in and you don’t want to admit that she’s probably right. It’s not very crowded but you try to be surreptitious about clinging to John and hopping on one foot while wearing sunglasses at night. Who even needs dignity? Not you apparently.

John leaves you stranded leaning against wall while he goes to find t-shirts. He’s being uncharacteristically quiet. If it helps speed this trip up you didn’t mind; in a few minutes blood was going to soak through the Back To The Future shirt so quick is good. You grab some sweatpants for Jade and a hoodie for yourself. There was also a whole rack of stringy lingerie, but you opt for something a little more substantial for Jade. You’d noticed she was trans (when you were _so not checking her out at all_ ) and figured she’d appreciate her junk remaining in the trunk. Maybe now she will hate you less? Possibly? People were so much more difficult when you couldn’t read their emotions like a book. The only vibe you were really picking up from the werewolf was pissed off and a little scared which didn’t help much.

“Hey Dave, look at these! I know I’ve lived here all my life but I’ve kinda always wanted one.” He held up three “I <3 SE,WA” shirts in differing sizes and grinned. You got the sense that he was just trying to make conversation.

“Yeah. Get them, we can all look like were going on a family trip to Disney land with matching T-shirts and everything.” You hand him the stuff you picked out. John shifts from one foot to the other for a moment.

“Uh, Dave? Can I ask you something?”

You don’t sigh in exasperation even though you want to. “Sup?”

“What happened with Noir? For real. Do you really want to kill him? Can you tell me anything?”

You’re glad for the sunglasses. John’s just so genuine about it all. He even waited until Jade was gone to ask you for answers.  Maybe he does deserve to know a little.

“Basically he showed up out of the blue at our apartment when I was a kid. My bros fought him, and me being an arrogant little douche thought I could help. I didn’t last half a second.” You touch your chest. “Dirk took me and ran. Noir skewered my Bro, then my mom got killed in New York the same day.”

“Your mom?!” John’s face was shocked and grave.

“Yeah.” You stare past him at a display of souvenir shot glasses. “Basically my dad was a douchebag Incubus and when me and Rose were babies, he took me and disappeared. Demons don’t exactly have social services you know. He barely even knew my mom anyway, and then up and died when I was little. Bro had to raise me and Dirk. We had only found my mom and sisters like, a few months before this all went down. Roxy and Rose barely got out in time.” You didn’t know what else to say from there so you went quiet.

“But… why would he do that? Weren’t they in demon sects?”

“They fucking _led_ Derse for all the good that did them. He’s a hunter and we’re demons, what other reason does he need? That’s what we _do_ John. Hunters hunt demons and demons kill hunters. It didn’t matter that they didn’t do anything wrong, or that there’s a Truce, or any of that shit. He wasn’t even hired to do it. Maybe it was just because they were strong and well-known, I don’t know. Then a year back I find a lead on the fucker in Seattle, and I’m just supposed to do nothing?”

“I… I’m sorry Dave. Things like that aren’t supposed to happen.” You feel sadness coming off John in waves, tinged with a pity that pisses you off. He sniffs.

“Well they do. Welcome to the real world. Your laws don’t mean shit.”

John scrunches his eyes shut and shakes his head sharply. “Dave that’s really terrible and fucked up, but you’re really going to do revenge? I mean, my dad was killed by a demon too you know. The one who did it is dead, but even if she wasn't I don’t think getting obsessed with revenge is a good thing. Even if some people should get punished.”

“I’m not asking _you_ to do anything. And I’m not obsessed. He’s gotta pay is all.”  

“So you’re just going to kill him?”

The question stings and you deflate a little. “Well. I need to wait until I’m healed. And first I’ll need to get all his little cronies out of the way. And then… I guess I’ll call my sibs. Bro and Mom were their family too. They have a right to be a part of this if they want. Besides I’m not a fucking heroic ninja god and I sure as hell can’t do it by myself.” To be honest you haven’t thought out the actual killing Noir part very much. Trying to track him down was enough work.

John frowns. “I still don’t really like it. But I guess now isn’t the time to figure all that out. Let’s buy the stuff and get back to Jade. Maybe you can use your mind powers to get us an employee discount or something?”

“Devious. I’ll make a devilspawn of you yet.” You even manage a small, sarcastic grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dave here laying down the law  
> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> strilondes

**X.**

**Be the demon === > **

The demon just wants a quiet car ride. Can’t you bother someone else right now?

 

**Then be the OTHER demon, in the past === >**

Your name is DIRK STRIDER and you are fucking pissed. The mug of BLACK COFFEE that says World's Best Mom on it is the only thing currently keeping you from totally FLIPPING THE FUCK OFF THE HANDLE.

“He did what.” You ask flatly, orange eyes narrowed angrily as you stare your half-sister down from across the table. Rose is unfazed by your look of rage, and knows it’s because you are 110% exhausted, and basically just running on caffeine and fumes. The last time you slept was a power nap you managed to sneak in on Wednesday. It is currently Friday. You are about to freak out. Except you aren’t. Striders don’t freak out. You’re actually eerily calm despite the news you just received.

“I’m not sure. Like I said it was just a vague vision. Not much of it was clear but he’s being carried by someone with black hair. They were glowing gold which usually means they are Nephilim. Our oh-so-intelligent brother seemed to be in quite a bit of pain at the time as well.” Rose pushed a lock of platinum blonde hair behind her pointed ear. Her only outward sign of distress were her manicured nails tapping on the table.

“Are you tellin’ me Dave managed to get his stupid ass caught by a hunter?” You ask and you feel sick to your stomach at the thought. Panic feels tight around your throat.

“It’s unclear. I have been privy to my twin’s dreams before, so it's possible he’s just having a nightmare…”  
“The ‘but’ you’re not saying is louder than the shittiest pop goes punk album, grating on the eardrums of every Hot Topic employee.” You deadpan and she sighs.

“...But I don’t think so.”  
“Great. Just fucking great.” You want to throw the mug of coffee at the wall and the only thing that stops you from doing just that is the fact that Roxy would kick your ass if you broke her gift. You take a deep gulp of coffee and vaguely wish that you had put some vodka in it, Roxy style. “Stupid kid. He’s probably already fuckin dead.”

“Not dead. I would be able to tell if he was. This only happened a few minutes ago.”

“Well then he’s about to get murdered.” You say, standing up with huff of finality. And if it isn’t by the hunter it will be by you. How could Dave be so stupid?

“And where, exactly, are you going, alone and without any sort of plan?” She asks, a perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised questioningly.

“Out.”

**Dirk: Be the twin=== >**

Didn’t the twin _just_ say he wants a break?

 

**Dirk: Be the _other_ twin=== >**

That’s better. You are now ROSE LALONDE. You have spent the last two hours or so alternating between SCRYING and STRESS-KNITTING. This scarf was going to be absolutely ATROCIOUS and you decide to give it to Dave as a physical representation of how much of a headache of a brother he is sometimes. That is, when you FIND him.

 

**The recent past is recalled === >**

It started as a tingle in your leg. At first you ignored it, but as it persisted you realized that you may be Seeing something. You call your ability Seeing (capitalized, Roxy insists) though in reality a lot of it doesn’t involve much literal sight at all. Dave, Dirk and you, who all had an Incubus for a father, have a certain sensitivity to emotions and control over the psyche that you’ve all developed into your own personal abilities. Dave uses it to alter people’s perception of time. Dirk is able to rip out and manipulate people’s souls, a process as brutally contrived as it’s user and not one you’re dwelling on right now. Yours developed into the Sight, a combination of a sensitivity to your loved one’s physical-emotional states, the ability to scry notoriously vaguely on anyone you’ve seen before, and some level of future sight, among other things. That was of course after a long process of spotty predictions and intense meditative training.

The first time you felt the pain of a loved one was when Dave got stabbed through the chest when you were thirteen. Soon after you felt Bro die. And then, your mother.

It was a bad day.

So when you realize that you’re picking up physical pain from a loved one, your first thought is Roxy. She is out on a job that might’ve gone bad. You quickly take out your magic ball and scry on your sister, but you don’t sense any intense physical or emotional distress. You then check on Kanaya and find her in a similar stable state. Though you know that Dirk is the other room and safe but scry on him anyway, the proximity making it easy. He’s in a state of caffeine and sex fueled exhaustion but that’s standard for him these days.

It’s then that you realize it has to be Dave. Honestly you’d assumed that you wouldn’t be able to feel him anymore because of how far away he was; you hadn’t felt him so far at least, not even a tingle. Unsure of what you’d find you focus on Seeing your twin.

He is in pain, that’s the first thing you realize. Your right thigh throbbed vaguely with the ghost-pain that was nothing compared to what Dave must be feeling. Ignoring the discomfort you press further into his energy. What the fuck was going on?

You get a few scraps of what Dave’s senses pick up. A damp concrete alleyway. A leg on fire. A black haired figure that glowed gold in your vision- a hunter. Seeing something being painted onto his bare chest, the ink stinging. Oh dammit Dave. What on Earth have you gotten yourself mixed up in?

An edge of panic taints Dave’s aura but you don’t feel him take any more hits. You get a sudden image of stairs moving upward but the angles all wrong, almost like he’s being carried.

Then he vanished. Your perception of him drops to an imperceptible buzz of his life force. The only thing that could shut you out like that was a hunter's ward.

“Dave,” you mumble to yourself,” you complete fucking imbecile.”

That had been an hour ago. You really wish Dirk had told you where he went. He wouldn’t just up and catch a plane to Seattle without you and Roxy, would he? Okay, so he might. Dirk has been hyper-focused on being the ‘protector’ of your family ever since you lost your guardians. And even if he wouldn't admit he felt especially responsible for Dave. It was well meant but a little stifling. It was one of the (okay, very possibly the largest) reasons your twin had snapped and taken off for Seattle a little less than a year ago. You had thought that him and Dirk would work it out eventually but now it seemed like their sulking time was going to be cut short.

If you weren’t so worried over Dave you would be happy about getting to see him again so soon. He texted you and Roxy semi-regularly but it wasn’t the same. You missed him. Everyone missed him, but sibling spats weren’t something easily resolved with personalities as _lively_ as your brothers’.

Your phone buzzed from across the room and you dug it out of your bedsheets.

 

**Rose: Answer=== > **

TG: hey rose sorry it took a bit to get back to u   
TG: im so undercover right now like   
TG: secret agent style   
TG: incognito   
TG: scopin out this bar for renegade vampires like a frat boy scopin for babes at a party hes throwin in his moms basement   
TG: not ur vamp gf tho   
TG: u guys are precious <3   
TT: I appreciate the sentiment. You have a moment to talk? It’s kind of important.   
TG: ye just text tho  
TG: shoot  
TT: It’s Dave.   
TG: ohh!!! he and dirk make up???   
TT: No. He got into some trouble.   
TG: g  
TG: DI  
TG: is he okay????? D:   
TT: I’m not sure. He’s alive at least.   
TT: I was scrying on him but he was distracted so it was pretty fragmented. He got hurt, and there was a hunter, and then he was being carried somewhere.  
TT: Then I lost him completely. I think he’s inside of a hunter’s ward.   
TG: davey!!!!!! rose we gotta go bust him out!!   
TG: no one kidnaps MY lil bro!!!   
TT: Dirk had the same idea. He went ‘out’ the moment I told him and I haven’t heard from him since.   
TG: did he go to seattle by himself? is dave still even living there  
TT: Last I heard he was.   
TT: I’m just worried that Dirk will fly off the handle and storm the first hunter’s guild he finds. We don’t exactly have a lot of information about the hunter that took him.   
TG: yeah… that sounds like dirk  
TG: like we need another dumb bro to have to bail out  
TG: uuugghhhh rose why are boys such a pain in the assssss  
TT: I’ll get back to you on that one.   
TG: k  
TG: well im gonna try to bail out on this job  
TG: ill see if i can get callie to cover for me  
TG: bros before hoes ya know  
TT: Yeah. I’ll see if I can pick up anything on Dave until you get here. Something’s bothering me and I wouldn’t live up to my name as an interfering broad if I didn’t figure it out.   
TG: whats botherin you??   
TG: besides the obvious bronapping  
TT: It’s just… I thought I would’ve Seen this. It’s a pretty big thing right? What’s the point if I can’t even predict the big dangerous things?  
TT: Is there something wrong with me? Or my Sight?   
TG: rose hes really far away. your mystic eye doesnt work well long distances remember  
TG: you let us know that hes in trouble at all!! who knows when we wouldve found out without you  
TG: and besides there is another reason 4 your fortuneteller thing to not kick in  
TT: Such as?   
TG: maybe this isnt a “””big dangerous thing”””?   
TT: How the hell could this not be a big thing?   
TG: idk!! maybe hes meant to break himself out and isnt in any real danger  
TT: Roxy, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but let’s be realistic. Dave lost a fight to a hunter, badly, then got carried into a barrier spell. There’s virtually no scenario in which that isn’t incredibly bad news.   
TG: i  
TG: yeah i guess :c  
TG: tryin to be optimistic i guess  
TG: how much you wanna bet hes gonna be pissed when we knight in shining armor him out of there?   
TG: hell probably go sulk for another year  
TT: That’s true. It’s not like we have the option of not going after him at this point. Dirk made that decision.   
TG: yeah tru  
TG: alright im gonna try and bounce outta here  
TG: keep an eye on our little bro for me!!  
TT: Technically he’s the older twin. But alright.   
TG: 13 min so do not count  
TG: u guys are equally the babies of the family  
TG: k ttyl

 

**Rose: Be the hunter, and in the present=== >**

You are once again John Egbert and once again, you are soooooooo dead. Deader than a dead cat under a copy of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text Deluxe edition. Or at least you will be once Jane and Jake show up. And judging by the way your phone is buzzing off the handle they are on their way- and not happy about what Jade told them on the phone.

Jade had called them almost the second they got to the safe house underneath a huge Gothic church, and while she was doing that you snuck/carried Dave to the supply room to check on his leg and side. He is really not looking good, and had lost a lot of blood from the bullet wound. You are once again on your knees in front of Dave as you press an actual bandage and not your poor ruined t-shirt to his side.

"Shit that fucking hurts do you have to push so hard?"

"I have to control the bleeding, and don't swear in a church!" He scoffs at that and that makes you push a little harder on the bullet wound than necessary. You don't hold any particular fondness for Catholic churches-- You are Jewish after all-- But no swearing in church was your dad's rule.

By the time you finish with the bandage he looks pale, well paler than he normally is, that's probably because of blood loss and exhaustion. He did mind control that dude all the way here, and other than the food you had made he hadn't been able to eat. Like demon eat. You’ve read somewhere that human food can't sustain adult Succubi/Incubi for long periods of time.  


**John: Offer Dave a BJ === >**

Ridiculous. You do not have a bacon & jelly sandwich on you, nor the fixings to make one. Plus, you are pretty sure that most people (and demons) find bacon & jelly sandwiches “gross." If it wasn’t for that you would offer Dave a BJ, and when he accepted that BJ, you would give him a BJ.

But it was never to be. Tragic.  


**John: Sin === >**

Literally everything about Dave's existence in this room is a sin. But what you're contemplating is probably even worse. Ok. No probably. It's absolutely a lot worse. So much worse.

"You look like shit."

"Thanks for the ego boost bud. That's not normally what people tell me when they're on their knees in front of me but I guess there's a first time for everything." He grumbles- and you're amazed how he still manages to yak like that even when he’s in pretty apparent pain. It's kind of impressive honestly.

"No- I mean, urgh. You just look really tired and it's like totally my fault and you probably used up a bunch of energy mind controlling that guy and even if I don't approve of it, it definitely helped us out a ton, and Jade was being super mean kinda but she's just really protective of our family and stuff. It'd probably be the same even if we were really dating and you were actually human." Well that's a lie but whatever you're already ass-deep in this shit show no backing out now. "Anyways she may not show it or say it but she is grateful for you helping her out, and you totally got brownie points for not misgendering her." You had actually been really happy about that and how Dave hadn't even questioned it. It was cool.

"I do love trans werewolf brownies. Anyways as you just stated I'm basically exhausted and starving and since there's no way I'm getting laid here at the National Coalition Of Purity could you please help me to a bed so I can at least catch a little shuteye before your sister shows up and guts me?"

"We're not the National Coalition Of Purity bluh!"

"Dude I was joking. Don't look at me like I said I wanted to bang your grandma."

"Oh my god. You know what, I was going to maybe offer you some of my life energy or whatever you call it, but then you said that and basically killed my dick forever. It's dead Dave. It's dead and you killed it." You are totally not blushing. Nope! Not at all!

"Feel free to bury it in my ass." He replies without missing a beat, which makes you blush even harder. Dangit.

"Oh my god."

"No but are you serious? This better not be a prank Egbert or I swear to Demon Jesus I will literally send everything in the mortal world into the jaws of hell." You're standing now, awkwardly shifting your weight from foot to foot as you hover nervously over Dave.

“No, I was actually sorta serious and I at least owe you that I think."

"Holy shit. Hell yes. Manna would be the best right now. So how far are you thinking of going because I mean as much as I would love for you to fuck me like it's the last thing you'll ever do, having sex with a shattered femur and a gunshot wound sounds like not a good plan."

"Yeah and I am not _that_ grateful to you! Also! We're in a church. I was just thinking like. Ugh. I don't know. A kiss or something."

"I can work with a little sloppy make out action. Pop a squat my young Jewish virgin and let me show you how to play tonsil hockey." God this is terrible, but you sit, even if it is on the edge of the bench as far away from the guy you’re supposed to kiss as possible. You are still sitting. You are doing this man. You're making it happen. Maybe it's because what Jack said still rang a little in your ears and since he had you shot at and all maybe you're feeling a little spiteful.

You aren't as inexperienced as Dave makes out with you to be- uh you mean makes you out to be. You had dated and kissed tons of girls before, but you we're pretty much a complete n00b when it came to guys. Unless you count the one time you made out with Karkat in high school when both of you we're drunk off your ass from a Heehaw/vodka concoction that could only be recreated in the deepest ring of hell. That said neither of you count that at all ever so you're basically going into this Dave completely unprepared. Like a ghostbuster without his proton pack!

"Ok first step. Chill. Also you're thinking something totally lame right now, aren't you."

"What! Pfft! No way."  
"Yeah no you are totally thinking something totally and completely lame right now. You are thinking nerd things with the two pathetic brain cells you have left, when what you should be thinking is sexy thoughts of your truly and how I'm going to change your life with the highly illegal sexual technique known as the purple monkey dishwasher." You crack up at that and take several seconds to regain your composure before you look back up at Dave with a poorly controlled grin. You can't help it! He's just really funny! And all his dumb rambling has actually succeeded in calming you down a bit.

He awkwardly slides/shuffles closer to you, which probably would have been sexier if he wasn’t minding his leg, but they can't all be winners. He raises a hand and ghosts his fingers across your cheek softly as he cups your face and you sober up real fast. You let out a breath you didn't realize you had been holding and slide a little closer to Dave.

"So... Uh, do you think this will help you heal faster?" You ask in a hoarse voice

"Yep. I'm like a fucking rechargeable battery. A little bit of sloppy make outs and I'll be bouncing around this place like the fucking energizer bunny, well ok maybe that's an over exaggeration- Mmph!" You cut him off by pressing your lips firmly to his and effectively shutting him up.

You go in a little rougher than you meant to, but the sex demon you're currently in lip lock with doesn't seem to mind at all. In fact he almost melts into you with a content sigh. You aren't really sure what you we're imagining when you thought about your first Official Boy Kiss but it definitely wasn't this. You had expected it to be totally different than kissing a girl but it wasn't? Dave's lips we're soft and tasted like cheap cherry chapstick, but in a good way. You also pretty into the way he hummed contentedly when you gently rolled his lower lip between your teeth.

Honestly you're liking the whole situation a little too much- and as if God himself heard you, in that moment the door bursts open with a bang and Jake is standing there with his gun pointed at you.

"WHO DARES BESMIRCH MY HOnor...?" His joking exclamation fades into a baffled question as he takes in the scene.

Holy shit.

You jump away from Dave as fast as you physically can and scream. Dave, to his credit keeps a solid poker face- even if his cheeks are red from the heavy making out you two just did, and his hair in disarray for a similar reason.

You watch the playful grin from Jake's face fade in a matter of milliseconds to one of horror and anger. Shittttt. "Get out of the way John! I'm trying to shoot the scoundrel who just tried to have his way with you!!" Your cousin cries as he loads his gun for real and aims at Dave. You keep in front of the barrel of the gun because you know he won't shoot you and you _really_ don't want him to shoot Dave!

"Jake! No! Stop it! Just listen to me ok? He didn't attack me or anything. I kissed him. Ok? Me. I suggested it because he's helped me and Jade a lot and he's starving!" You're surprised how confident you sound.

"He's an Incubus John!"

Like you need reminding!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	11. XI

**XI.**

**Dave: Run for it!=== >**

You can’t run for it, dumbass. Why do you keep suggesting these things? You can’t even walk and you don’t like your chances at out-limping a bullet.

 

**Dave: Talk yourself out of it=== >**

Once again your life depends on your fucking debate skills. Awesome. You really hope John can come through for you again. You don’t think you can die without macking on him one last time.

“I wasn’t even having sex with him!” John was saying.

“You were doing quite enough for my taste! He’s using his demon wiles!”

“Hey, I was not.” You cut in.

“You keep your yapper shut, demon!” Hunter guy Jake waves his gun at you but he wouldn’t shoot with John blocking you. You also notice that he’s also pretty damn attractive but that’s a stupid thought to have right now. John had given you just a taste of his life energy which was awesome but all it had really done was remind you how fucking starving you are. His energy had been _amazing_ , better than any human you’d ever had, and that was just from a kiss. It was probably because he was Nephilim. Also okay, kissing John in and of itself had been great. It was totally different from regular making out for some reason? That kiss had been so fucking fine. Like damn. You were supposed to be the sex god around here. But besides wanting to have sex as soon and as nakedly as possible, you wanted to also… kiss him more? Without having sex? Like. Without feeding. Okay no you hate the term feeding. You mean that you’d be cool with just making out with John even if it didn’t involve partaking in his glorious manna sex-ergy, and that’s saying something. What kind of incubus are you? You think you’re probably just confusing yourself here and okay you need to pay attention to what’s going on.

“Jake, come on! Dave’s a good guy. He was just hungry. It’s not his fault! He didn’t do anything wrong so please don’t shoot him!”

“I’ll be the judge of that! You have been trapezing around with this demon for long enough doing heaven knows what. Don’t you know better than to spend so much time around someone like that? He’s just using you, can’t you tell?”

John winces. “I… No! He’s not!”

A woman walks into the storage room then, outwardly composed and chin held high but aura was almost vibrating with tension. She looked like John with black hair and dark skin, but shorter and curvier and beautiful in a cold way. She must be Jane, the sister, but her eyes were like ice; completely unlike her brother’s.

“John. Get away from it.”

“Wait, Jane. I know what you’re thinking but-”

“ _Now_.”

In a blur a crimson trident appeared in her hand, inches from your face. John doesn’t move but he can’t block you from both attackers at the same time. Your eyes flick between the wicked sharp tips and the barrel of Jake’s gun. This is kinda really bad.

A tense silence stretches on for what seems like hours before you break it. “Okay I really hate to butt in on your family feud here, so how about I just go? Lend me some crutches or something, I’ll manage. No harm done?”

“As if I’m just going to let you walk away now! Do you think I’m stupid? If being a rogue wasn’t enough you know where our base is! It’s your fault we’re in this mess in the first place!” Jane shoots back. Her trident jabs at your face.

“I didn’t _ask_ for John to attack me, or take me home with him like a stray dog.”

“I wonder about that.”

“Jane, what are you talking about? I decided to take Dave back. Compulsion doesn’t work on us! Everyone knows that!”

“There are other ways demons manipulate people besides mind control, John. Besides I’ve heard of Incubi and Succubi powerful enough to affect even Nephilim.”

John flinches at that. Fuck fuck, if he told them you’d managed to put him under once John’s family would never trust you. It had been an accident anyway! A fluke. You weren’t good at the mind stuff. Dirk maybe could pull it off, or Rose. Not you. Time to subject change.

“Don’t you want to go after the guy that tried to kill Jade and John?” You ask Jane. “You’re worrying about an unarmed demon who can’t even walk, when Noir is out there still looking for them. If he didn’t know Jade is a werewolf before he’s probably figured it out by now.”

“And whose fault is that?”

You really wish you could stand up or at least not have to look up at her. Your sword would be nice too, but it’s still locked away in your chest with John’s seal. Sacred ink only comes off with holy water that you don’t have, and even if you did it sounded like a not super fun process. “It’s my fault, I know. So if you won’t let me split then why don’t you let me help you take the fucker down? I want to kill him way more than I would want to even hypothetically mess with you guys , which I don’t at all.”

Jake frowned. “You think we want your blasted help? Our family has known Noir for ages. Why would we turn against him just because of some demon’s meddling? If anything we should hand you over to him. Maybe he’ll forgive us if we do.”

“Jake no! Noir would kill him!” John’s voice cracks. You feel like you’re watching the scene from outside of your body. Of course. John’s family are hunters, why wouldn’t they know a biggie like Noir? Why would they trust you over another hunter? But you couldn’t let them pawn you off to that bastard. You might not get out of this thing alive but fuck demon jesus if you were going to let Noir be the one to off you. He’d already done enough to your family. It wasn’t fair to them.

“Maybe we should let him. It’s just one demon, John,” says Jane. Her tone is soft but her words weren’t.

“Dave’s not _just_ a demon! He’s a person! I’m not letting him die just to make Noir maybe forgive us! Who say he even will? You know how he is- I helped Dave, and Jade’s a werewolf. He’ll probably kill us anyway. In that case we need all the help we can get to fight him!”

“Do you even hear yourself? Demons _cannot_ be trusted John! Ever! All they do is betray you in the end.” The tip of Jane’s trident trembles a bit.

“And you think Noir is any better?”

“Hey, guys.” Jade appears in the doorway, green eyes startled and holding a cell phone in one hand. “What’s going on?”

“Jade they want to give Dave to Noir!” John blurts.

“They what? I… really don’t think that’s a good idea! I just got off the phone with Karkat. Things are getting complicated.”

“What do you mean? What’s going on?” Jane lowers her trident a little to look at her. Shoving past, Jade stands between the two older hunters and you and John.

“Well first, Noir knows I’m a werewolf and officially wants my head. Anyways he tried to get Karkat to tell him where I am. He didn’t of course so now he’s in hiding somewhere. And Noir also knows that John helped out a demon. He’s after him too.”

“I told you!” John says.

“But… he can’t just _decide_ to kill you!” Jake says hollowly. “It’s against guild law for us to kill each other, even if we do break rules! Even Jade can’t be killed without a vote and a trial.”

“I know Jake, but this is _Noir_ we’re talking about. He runs all of Prospit. Who could stand up to him? Who even _would_ , besides us?” Jade’s shoulders slump. “And that’s not even all of it. There’s some new demons in town. Powerful ones.”

“What does that have to do with us?” John asks.

“Yesterday Karkat saw them at the Veil. They were asking about a young, black haired male hunter who was hunting hominid demons. Karkat thinks they were looking for John. When I told him that Dave’s actually a demon, he guessed they are probably trying to find Dave.”

“Karkat met Dave?” Jake asks.

“Yeah. Long story. Is he sure they were looking for me? That was before Noir even found out!”

For some reason it took a moment for it to hit you. Damn it all to flaming demon hell. You can’t believe they found out about this.

“Hey Jade,” you say carefully, “these demons didn’t happen to be say, blonde and include a dude in pointy anime shades and too much hair gel?”          

Jake pales for some reason. Jade turns to you and blinks. “Uh, yeah. Two women with pink and purple eyes and a man with sunglasses. Do you know them?”

You exhale and hope Jane won’t run you through for this. “Yeah. Fuck. This makes things more complicated. That’s my brother and sisters, I’d bet anything.”

All four of the hunters stared at you with wide eyes.

“Oh shoot,” Jane says, “they’re looking for you aren’t they? They think John kidnapped you.”

“For the record, he really did kidnap me. But yeah. I didn’t think they knew about what happened because we aren’t really talking right now. One of my sisters is like a psychic though. Fortune telling and crystal balls and all that shit. I guess she must have seen something.”

“Seriously? I thought that stuff was a myth!” John asks.

“Says the guy with a magic hammer. Our mom was some sort of ridiculous magic lady and Rose got a heap’o cheating witchy genes.”

 “Damn. Can she see us right now?”

“No. She can only kinda see things that I’m seeing, if she’s focusing on me. It doesn’t work inside of wards anyway. But she can tell if I’m hurt so if she felt John hammer my leg and saw him take me inside of a ward…”

“That looks really bad.” John concluded. You nod. You can’t believe you hadn’t thought of this sooner. It was stupid to think Rose’s power wouldn’t work from far away- not like you’d ever gotten seriously hurt enough in Seattle to test it out.

“You weren’t in a ward on your whole way here.” Jane said suddenly. “Could she have seen you come here? That would lead them right to us!”

“There’s a chance she didn’t. Her sight is pretty spotty.”

“Actually, I don’t think they know where we are exactly.” Jade interrupted. “The reason Karkat called me is that one of the local Prospit bases close by was just broken into by one of the demons. Apparently she got in without anyone noticing.”

“Fuck, is she okay?” That had to be Roxy. She's a shapeshifter that could turn invisible and sneak past most wards. But she mostly did spying and breaking into places, and fought long-distance with a rifle. Roxy was tough but not that good with close range fights.

“I don’t know,” Jade says honestly. “I know there was a fight with one of Noir’s people and she escaped. Everything’s in chaos over there. But if they went to a guild base looking for you that means they don’t know exactly where you are. They might just be guessing.”

“This place is pretty well hidden.” Jake says, looking nervous. “They couldn’t find us here, could they?”

You shake your head. “That’s not the point. You don’t know my brother. If he wants to find me, he’ll tear this city to pieces to do it. My sisters too. It doesn’t matter if they have to take on the entire fucking guild. You need to let me call them or something to talk them down.”

“Maybe we should let him. We could just give him back to his family to get them to calm down.” Suggested Jade.

“And what if they come back for revenge? So we should just wait for them to kill us?”

“No Jane, I’m just saying it’s a risk! We’ve helped him out some. Maybe they won’t be mad?”

“My aunt Petunia’s yellow belly they won’t be mad!” exclaimed Jake, “Wouldn’t you be?”

“Maybe he can talk them down over the phone!”

“What if they don’t believe him or don’t care?”

“Do _I_ get a say in this?” You ask.

“No!” At least two people shoot back simultaneously.

“Alright, everyone be quiet.” Jane demands suddenly. “We’re not talking about this any more in front of the demon. Let’s go decide things in the living room.”

“Hey-” you start, but Jane cuts you off.

“Shut up. The only reason I haven’t skewered you yet is for John, and because you might be useful as a bargaining chip. I know better than to deal with demons.”

You grit your teeth. She is really pissing you off now and really only basic survival instinct makes you keep your mouth shut. Jade and Jake shuffle out of the room. John puts his hand on your shoulder. “Don’t worry Dave, I won’t let anything bad happen. I’ll see if I can get Jane to heal you!” He smiles but it’s obvious he’s just trying to make you feel better.

“I am _not_ healing that thing John,” Jane retorts, but John just waves and scampers out the door. Jane wordlessly activates some ward that makes the room flash bright blue for a second, then closes the door with a clank.

 

**Dave: Realize how balls-deep in this freshest of horseshit you are=== >**

Yeah. You realize it. Fucking narrators. I’ll kill all of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha yeah theres no way things could go even more terribly from here right  
> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	12. XII

**XII.**

**Days in the past but no too many days === >**

Let’s take a break from the shit show going on at the present! You are now Dirk Strider and holy fucking shit do you hate airplanes. You have been known to not trust anything that you didn't build yourself, and that is obviously the reason you have a white knuckle grip on the armrests of your airplane seat. Your leg is tapping so hard someone might think you're trying to do the greatest drum solo known to mankind with your sneaker. The plane hasn’t even taken off yet and you're already a mess. Your fear of flying stacked onto the fact that your little brother has been kidnapped _and_ that you haven't slept in more than seventy-two hours left you feeling just peachy. Your only solace is that the man sitting next to you is a fucking babe holy shit your practically getting energy from just sitting next to him.

What he does next surprises you- and your unsure of if it's a good surprise or not.

"’Scuse me chum, but I'm afraid the flight attendant might ask you to check those bags." You blink in confusion. The only bag you brought was safely stashed in the overhead storage compartment.

"Huh?" You say, intelligently. Yep. You definitely are a literal genius with a PhD in mechanical engineering.

"The bags under your eyes old sport! You look like you haven't slept in weeks!" It hits you that you just got ker-fucking-pranked. On a normal day you might even laugh at that, it was something Roxy would say, but presently you're having a difficult time restraining yourself from punching this guy’s lights out. You could probably do it in one punch too. You had done it before... But. He is really hot, with dark skin and thick eyebrows that accentuated his square jaw and the light stubble that dusted his chin. You _have_ to suck his dick. If not for the pick-me-up then just for the simple joy of seeing if his dick is as great as the rest of his body. The idea is firmly planted in your brain as you give him an amused, albeit forced, smile. This wouldn't be the first time you had joined the mile-high club. Sex is the perfect distraction for your obsessive mind when you were trapped on a flying death trap.

"It's called a red eye flight for a reason. I'm just taking the meaning to a whole new level." He laughs and if you weren't already sold on this guy that laugh sunk your last fucking battleship.

"Fair point. It is--" He pauses to check his watch and you notice he has a fucking watch tan from wearing the thing for so long. Shit that's adorable."4:30 in the morning."

"Ten minutes off from blazing it, and bringing the whole red eye thing full circle." Did you, a twenty-four-year-old man, just make a 420 joke? Christ you've been spending too much time around Roxy.

"Good to know I wasn't the only one thinking it!" He says with another chuckle. A bitter looking old woman shh's you from across the aisle and you want to tell her to stop messing with your game, but your neighbor apologizes with a slightly red tinged face. Aw he's even nice to the elderly. If you weren't a starving sex demon who was just using this guy for his body you might actually be interested in dating him. Too bad that's exactly what you are, and the way he leans in and speaks to you in a soft, voice you know you have got him hooked.

"My name is Jake by the way. Figure I might as well introduce myself considering this flight is four hours and we're stuck next to each other for the whole of it."

"Dirk." You reply in turn with a slightly predatory grin. The next part is a walk in the park, stringing him along like an emo making candy bead bracelets of MCR lyrics and Pikachu. Jake’s aura screams attraction and you are more than willing to comply.

After the plane is in the sky you don't even use compulsion when you ask him to meet you in the bathroom in a hoarse voice, your lips brushing his ear. He splutters adorably and his face goes bright red but he sure as fuck doesn't let you down. Jake slides the airplane restroom door open just a few minutes after you enter. His face is still bright red and you notice a small tent in his shorts.

Itadakimasu you think ironically as you pull him in for a sloppy kiss. He's a bit inexperienced but not so much so that you can't work with it. He's got enthusiasm and his energy is like nothing you've ever tasted before, damn. You want his dick in your mouth asap. You're pushy as you guide him to sit and you slide down on your knees in the tight space. There's hardly room with two adult men but you tell yourself that only adds to the "intimacy" of the situation.

"Jesus Jake this thing is friggen huge." You mutter as you palm his growing erection through his cargo shorts. It's not the biggest dick you've had but it sure isn't the smallest. Besides you know how to work a human and praise is always a huge factor.

You have to shush him once when you _finally_ get him to slide his shorts off.

"Shh, Jake. We don't want to get caught." You remind him, with a teasing tone. His thighs are nothing short of god-like and you spend more time than you probably should kissing them and biting with varying degrees of intensity. You gather that he seems to enjoy the pain of your bites judging by the way he already has a hand stuffed in his mouth to muffle his noises. And wow, does his manna get sweet.

The boxers go next and you don't tease him as much this time although you do pause to ogle at the main attraction. Like you said earlier it isn't the largest cock you’d ever had in your mouth but it still was a great dick that no self-respecting sex demon would turn down. You fish around in your pockets before you get to work, holding up a condom for him to inspect. He seems miffed by its appearance and you roll your eyes at him. You have always been careful about practicing safe sex ever since Bro got Crabs and made _you_ go with him to buy the special shampoo and a massive box of flavored condoms. It just so happens that you still use that same brand of condom even to this day and when he hands the rubber back to you slide an orange flavored condom onto his prick with practiced skill. (You and Roxy have raced to see who could put a condom on a dildo fastest before. Roxy had been too drunk to have properly functioning motor skills so you won.)

You want to take your time on this one, but as the plane shook with turbulence your fingers dug into his tanned thighs tightly.

"Fuck," You mutter under your breath as your heart drops to your gut. He's looking down at you with an amused but strangely affectionate look. Damnit he's adorable. You scored with this one.

"A bit nervous chum?" Jake asks with a grin.

"Hardly. This is not the first time I've done this. Flying just doesn't agree with my fragile constitution." You say, and as much as you love bantering you decide to put an axe to this conversation. You do that by taking a long slow lick up his dick. He makes a strangled noise into his palm and the rest is fucking text book.

You're enjoying a delicious energy high by the time he zips up his shorts and gives you an embarrassed smile. You're so blissed out that you don't even notice the door slide open and shut as he exits. After taking a few minutes to preen, restyling your hair, rinsing out your mouth, and blowing your nose, you return to your seat next to Jake and give him a smug smile. His ears are red as you sit down, cross your legs and rested your head against his broad shoulder.

"You were wonderful," He mumbled awkwardly in that half whisper of his that you had grown accustomed to. "I haven't had a partner as stunning as you, in well ever." He clears his throat, and his body rumbles against your side as he does so. "And uh, oh malarkey I certainly am butchering this aren't I. What I'm trying to ask is if I might, um, ask for your phone number it if we can see each other some other time." It dawns on you that you are stranded on commitment island and night is falling fast.

"Jake..." You start and you can already see his expression visually fall. "It's highly unlikely that we will ever see each other again. This is just a connecting flight for me; we're both probably going somewhere totally different. I don't mean to be a pessimist, but it's undeniable that this could never be more than this." You’re actually lying about this being a connecting flight but that doesn’t make your point any less valid. Even if you did run into Jake in Seattle by some insane chance, you don’t have the time to fool around. It's a rehearsed script that you have rattled off many times before. This was the first time you actually feel bad about it however. Which is strange.

"Any other day I would take that as a challenge, but your logic is undeniable." His tone is crest fallen and you feel like you just kicked a puppy. You sigh softly and grab the sky mall magazine from out of the seat pocket and an orange pen from your jacket. A page with a nine foot tall giraffe statue is ripped out and the words TimaeusTestified and ten numbers are penned in type-like hand.

"Here's my skype and my number. You're lucky you have one hell of a puppy face." You say, unsure for the first time in a long time if this is a good idea. The smile that lights up his face reassures you that you probably won’t regret this. He even returns the favor with his own digits ‘in case he manages to lose yours’.

"Lovely!" He gives you a double pistols and a wink and allows you to settle back onto his shoulder. He even does this thing where he rubs small comforting circles on your back when the plane rocks or rumbles. You're oddly content this way.

 

**Dirk: Relax and fall asleep on Jake's shoulder === >**

You fail miserably. Relaxing is not your strong suit especially not when your little bother could be dead, sex high or no. Every endlessly passing hour only increases your tension, like a coiled spring, and the second the plane touches down you're pushing away from your hot airfare companion and book it for the exit.

Somehow Roxy, Rose and Kanaya are all already waiting for you at baggage claim with smug smiles. You aren't even surprised honestly. You shouldn’t have tried to outfox Roxy but she does give you a firm punch on the shoulder for trying, followed by a tight hug.

"You're a fucking impulsive idiot."

"Sorry. For once in my life I wasn't thinking."

"Yeah no shit! What if they had been waiting for you? What if they just took Dave to get at you? Huh. Now that you're a hotshot Dersite you can't afford to fuck around anymore. You're serious shit now Di-Stri. Got it?" That hadn't dawned on you, but the thought that Dave was in trouble because of you makes you uncharacteristically violent. It’s such an urge that drives you and Roxy to raid a branch of the Prospit guild. You're certain someone there will have the answers you want, and if not, well. You need to let a little steam off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The guy sucks your dick in an airplane bathroom... and you try to kill his brother. How are you gonna live with yourself Jake.  
> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	13. XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this gets dark. this is where the (non-graphic) past sexual abuse tag shows up, and if you'd rather not read it just skip the beginning of the chapter down to "In the present===>"

**XIII.**

**Dirk: Be Jane === >**

Even further in the past, darker days are revisited.

Your name is JANE CROCKER and you do not believe in GOD. You used to pray to Him every night, hands clasped tight over your chest and lips moving silently. You started praying even more after police officers called you to identify the abandoned corpse of your father. You would be lying if you said you didn’t know what you were praying for. You wanted your father back. That he would raise up like Jesus on the third day, but that never happened, and with time you became more desperate. With every tear you wiped from your baby brother’s eyes because he had had nightmares you only became more determined. One night, John half-dreaming asks when Dad would be home and that’s when your plans became concrete.

**=== >**

Your name is Jane Crocker and you are bleeding. Your head is pounding where it hit the wall and you want to scream but your throat is sealed tightly and not a sound escapes. Not a whimper when ashen hands touch your thigh, or a sob as clawed fingers tangle into your short hair and pull so hard you’re afraid he will pull it out. You are silent, but that doesn’t mean you are still. You are shaking, your body feels like lead. You don’t look at him, and his lazy, glazed over smile. You’re too focused on something lying next to you. A greying hairline, and a fedora that falls over his face in a way that almost makes you think he’s napping. But you can still see where a blade pierced his body, and you are transfixed by the way his blood is trickling onto the pavement. This shouldn’t be happening. It shouldn’t. It can’t be real.

**=== >**

You spend months researching. You know that Djinn are powerful, you know they don’t play fair but— you think you can outsmart it. Never did you think it could end up like this. After you sign a scroll in blood he appears before you and asks your wish with a yellow smile and flat purple eyes.

“I want to see my dad,” blurt your lips before you have to time to think. He grins, and that’s when your blood runs cold. You scream when the bloody body of your father appears in the abandoned house, but he just laughs.

“ISN’T THIS WHAT YOU MOTHERFUCKING WANTED?” He screeches in delight, the demon slamming your head into the wall of the ally. His touch burns and you are disjointedly reminded that Djinn are said to be made of smokeless fire.

It fizzles away after you “complete” your end of the bargain, disappearing into the air with a mirthless laugh. You find the tatters of your clothing and empty the contents of your stomach onto the ground. You are in shock. Or you are going into it. You can feel your body get cold and clammy and you have taken enough medical classes to recognize the signs of hypovolemic shock.

Your ancient flip phone was discarded next to some cigarette butts and when you dial Jake there are tears in your eyes and you finally allow yourself to cry. You tell anyone who asks that the burns are from a demon fight, a high level demon who summoned the corpse of your father to mess with your head. You never breathed a word of what he did to you to anyone. You shower countless times, but his hand prints are literally burned onto your body.

The blisters fade with a salve you mixed yourself, but every time you look into the mirror you still see hand prints scorched onto your body and it’s like you’re back in that house once more. You no longer pray to God, because you are sure that if He ever existed He had died there. You will never let anyone lay a hand on you again. You learn the hard way what comes of trusting demons and you sure as hell are not going to allow your brother to make that same mistake. You will never let anyone hurt him like you were hurt.

**In the present=== >**

You are again Jane Crocker and know what you are about son. Especially when it comes to demons. And you thought your little brother did too, especially after how many times you’ve told him to never trust one, but apparently not. The fact that he brought an actual hominid demon into your family's base is proof enough that he hasn’t learned from what happened to dad (or to you) at all. And now he's trying to convince you to let the scum live.

"Jane, you know Noir can be harsh. Now he’s crossed the line!"

"John." You cut him off a bit harshly and he shrinks back from you. "Jack was our father's friend for years. He’s the one that looked after us after he died, and now you're saying we should take a demon's word over his?"

"Sorta? I don't know Jane! I just believe Dave, you know how dad was always telling us to trust our gut feeling, and my gut is telling me that Dave is right about him." You scoff and turn to Jade who is looking uncomfortable.

"Well. Noir kind of wants to kill me for being a werewolf so don't blame me for being on the demon's side. I don’t like him but least Dave gets my pronouns right." She says, and you have to pinch the bridge of your nose and take a deep breath to compose yourself. You turn to Jake who has been weirdly silent.

"Jake? What do you think?"

"Jane you know I hate demons as much as the next guy...But he's just a kid."

"He's a monster!"

"He is not!" John interrupts.

"Jake you’ve killed more hominids than anyone I know, why the sudden change of heart?"

"Because! They had actually done something wrong. They had sacrificed children or drunk virgin’s blood or somesuch! He has done nothing wrong as far as I can see."

"Well let’s see, this demon seduced John, outed Jade as a werewolf, and got Noir to turn on us. It knows where our base is and has family running amuck in the city as we speak! They could kill us all for revenge, or maybe just for fun who knows? The fact it’s an illegal rogue is just the cherry on top," You rattle off, desperate for them to understand.

"He didn’t mean to do most of that stuff as I understand it. But more than that, killing a boy just to keep a secret? That's not us Jane. That's something Noir would do, and I hate to pull this card but this isn't what your dad would have wanted." Jake said. Your throat feels tight and you ball your fists at your sides.

"This is preposterous. Are you really going to risk our safety for that of a demon's?"

"Jane..." John starts, he's worried because he can see the tears welling in your eyes. Oh damn it all!

"Fine! Do whatever you must, but I won’t have any part in it, and I am certainly not healing _it_." You hiss, turning on a mary jane'd heal and lass scampering away.  

 

Jane Crocker is too upset to be the hero of this adventure.

**Jane: Be Jake === > **

Gladly. You are now JAKE ENGLISH and hoo boy are you in a HEAP OF TROUBLE. You recognized the description of Dave's brother immediately. Now you feel like you’ve fallen into a pit of QUICKSAND and there are no VINES to grab.

Dave's brother who is tearing apart the city is most definitely the charming man on the air plane who had, _ahhem,_ blown your whistle. Which means he is a demon. You had sexual relations with a demon, you had _sex_ with a _sex demon_ and you have never felt so conflicted in your life! Because you would never guess Dirk wasn't human based on his manner. The blaggart lied about that being just a connecting flight for him!

To be honest you might be inclined to think it isn’t the same person if the pointy sunglasses weren’t so damn unusual, and if Dave wasn’t the spitting image of Dirk. If you wouldn’t have defended Dave anyway the realization of who his brother is surely tipped you in his favor. And it isn’t just that you would be helping do something awful to Dirk, who hadn’t done anything to deserve it to you (quite the contrary). It’s more that now you can’t see Dave as just a troublemaking demon anymore- now he’s somebody’s younger brother. And that makes you think of John, and what you would do if _he_ found himself in such a situation. You wouldn’t hesitate to tear through as many people as you had to if it meant saving him.

However, at the same time it’s not as if Dirk and his family are the only ones at risk here. You are absolutely miffed and honestly quite troubled. You haven't texted Dirk yet even though he gave you his number two days ago and now you are certainly not going to!

It also doesn't help that you feel plum well awful for making Jane cry, and a true gentleman would peruse her and make sure she's alright, but you have a strong feeling that if you do that you will get a face full of trident.

 

**Jake, figure out what the fuck you're going to do next === >**

You cannot figure out what the fuck you're going to do next because you are currently missing one Jane Crocker, who single handily plans all of your missions. You are in desperate need of that lady sleuth’s help and you just bamboozled her away with your spectacular lady-charming skills. And by that you mean you have royally fucked up.

 

**Jake, bury your head in your hands === >**

Already done.

 

Jake is now too busy MOPING to be of any use as a main character, so you decide to try Jane again.

 

**Be Jane again=== >**

You are now Jane Crocker and you don't know how you got into this situation but you do know why. The reason has red eyes and tried to assault your brother. You were so busy trying not to cry in front of your family that you forget all about the demon in the weapons room, and so when you burst in, sink to the floor and finally start crying it takes you a good minute before you realize that said demon is still here. Somehow got his hands on a family-sized bag of Apple Jacks and is staring at you with wide red eyes, and a mouth half full of sugar cereal. Seriously where did he even get that? You have your suspicions that John is involved.

"At least finish chewing you moron!" You snap, pulling out a handkerchief and dabbing at your eyes. You are thoroughly embarrassed, and honestly completely out of steam.

The demon swallows hard. "Whoa. Uh. Hey. Sorry about that. I would fuck off or something if I could, so unless you want to find me a rolley chair or something... Or you could watch me try to crawl away and that'll brighten your mood a little bit." He has a southern accent you observe, and you are watching him from across the room like a deer watches a lion. Except you are more than certain you could kill him if he tried to attack you. So it was more like a deer armed with a tank, watching a lion. An amusing mental image certainly, but really not what you should be thinking about right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	14. XIV

**XIV.**  
**Dave: Be dead (again)=== >**

The instant Jane had bursts through the door, aura ragged and stressed, you are once again sure you are fucked. Possibly for realsies this time. You are gonna die sitting on a rickety wooden bench with a mouth full of John's pity Apple Jacks because he lost an argument with his hot sister so now she is going to off you in a storage room. But then Jane had crumpled down and started sobbing. You have no idea how to handle that. Given you are a little jarred by facing down increasingly imminent death for like, the tenth time in two days but you should probably be used to that by now. What you aren't used to are beautiful crying hunter ladies. The only person you know that is much of a crier is Roxy and usually all she wants is a hug. You're ninety-five percent sure if you attempted a tender bro embrace with Jane she would rip your arms off.

So you end up just rambling at her while she eyes you like a deer watching a lion or something. Except she could kill you at any time. It was like she was a deer in a tank and you were a lion. A lion who couldn't walk and had his teeth and claws sealed away by deer magic, and also you were in deer jail and there were three other killer deer with tanks outside even though those ones are probably less inclined to kill you, and you would be super down with having sex with them, especially John deer. Heh. John Deere. But that metaphor is a little contrived. Maybe _you_ are really the deer and she’s the lioness deciding if she wants to slaughter your ass for messing with her cubs. Or something? Point being that fear is pouring off Jane's aura even though she clearly has the upper hand here. At least you’re better at reading the auras of Nephilim since you’ve been hanging around them so much.

"I'd prefer that you just stay put thank you very much," she says to your brainless rambling.

"Can do I guess." You try to readjust your leg into a position on the bench that hurts less and fail miserably. Jane dabs her eyes with a handkerchief.

"So..." You trail off then start again. "So. You gonna like. Did you guys sort of. Like if you don't mind letting me know. What everyone is thinking the deal is. As it pertains to the decision that may or may not have been made about yours truly and if you like, are gonna kick me to the curb? Or kill me. Or pawn me off to that demon-slaughtering psychopath in which case I kindly request that you just slit my throat instead. Unless we're thinking that I do get to live on to see another day as an abomination in the eyes of God? Preferably that." You 100% look and sound like a dumbass and wish you hadn't lost your shades.

After a quiet moment she looks away with a bit of a huff. "I don't know. I have enough to worry about with Noir knowing about Jade without worrying about the shenanigans you’ve been up to. It's up to them what happens to you."

"Oh. Really? Score.”

Jane glares again.

“I just mean, they seem less inclined to murder me. So…”

"I don't care to involve myself with the concerns of demons. What, do you think that's strange of me?"

"Well y'all are demon hunters so kind of. I thought you were their leader or something?"

"I'm not their leader, I'm their friend!" Jane snaps.

_She's so their leader_ , you think. "I dig I guess. Mind giving me the insider scoop on what the verdict is out there then?"

She shoots you a grimace that makes you think maybe you shouldn't be asking for anything when Jane clearly still hates you/is scared of you for some reason.

"Like I said, I'm not sure what they will decide. John is supporting you for some reason that's beyond me. Jade at least won't side with Noir because he wants to hunt her as a werewolf. Jake's an odd one but he doesn't think you've committed a crime severe enough for him to kill a kid."

"Hey, I'm not a kid." You retort, rankled. “I’m twenty. Not even a teenager anymore.” The barest hint of a smile twitches at her lips.

"You're the same age as John. That makes you a kid to him."

"That's a dumbfuck reason."

"For the record I don't consider you such. You're a demon just like all the others."

"Gee thanks," you say sarcastically. Jane readjusts herself so she's sitting in a more ladylike manner.

"What did you mean earlier? You said you'd rather die before being handed over to Jack Noir. Why is that?"

"Do you seriously care about my reasons?"

"Don't get too full of yourself. I need to know everything that's going on in this debacle, especially if it involves you and Jack. If we are going to consider turning against our family friend of years because of a demon, it darn tootin better be because we've considered all the factors." Jane's words are sharp and you don't think that lying to her would be a good move right now. Not that there was any real reason to lie about these things at this point.

"Noir killed my Bro and my Mom when I was a kid, and almost killed me. They were our guardians, and me and my sibs were just teenagers. He made our lives hell. However this shitastic adventure of mine turns out, one thing I know is that bastard sure as hell ain’t killing anyone else in my family.” You run your hands through your wet hair. “That’s just fucked up. I mean I’m an asshole and probably the worst brother to walk the earth but I wouldn’t do that to them.”

Jane smoothes her perfectly unwrinkled skirt. “I suppose I wouldn’t want to be killed by the demon that killed my dad either. But _that_ witch was killed when we’d just barely found out her name. We never even had the chance to seek vengeance.”

You pull a face. “Ugh. Don’t call it that.”

“Call it what?”

“Vengeance. So melodramatic. You make it sound like this is my tragic villain backstory. I’m not some knight in shining armor or fucking Sasuke Uchiha. I’m not trying to avenge my kingdom by wearing an awful cape slaying a dragon with the power or righteousness.”

“I don’t know who that is but, how can you not consider this revenge?”

“It just isn’t. He’s just gotta pay is all. Someone had to do something about it and I guess I was the only one that’s going to. That isn’t weird.” You pick at the bandage on your side.

“I suppose you could think of it that way. But that doesn’t stop all of this from still being vengeance. Isn’t tracking Noir the whole reason you moved out here?”

“How’d you know that?”

“John mentioned it. You’re clearly not from around here by how you speak. Which means that your avenger thing indirectly caused this whole affair.”

“Hey whoa that’s just unfair. This was _so_ not my fault. And Jesus did you just call me an avenger? What is this, a Marvel movie? I told you. I’m not that like, noble.”

She smirks. “Well I won’t disagree with that.”

“I appreciate it.”

Jane thinks for a moment, brushing her hair behind her ear and pursing her lips in a way that totally isn’t really sexy, because John’s whole family are _not_ all total fucking sex bombshells straight from Assville, Texass, USA, where the A just stands for more ass. You’ve been pretty indulgent with your manna intake since you moved to Seattle, so you were used to running on a high and _not_ used to restraining yourself around hot single people. Not popping another boner is your Herculean task straight from the demon karma gods of Fuck You.

“I think right now your siblings are our biggest problem,” Jane says, snapping you out of your idiotic inner monologue. “Noir is tricky but we know him and can at least guess how he will act. Your family is the wild card here. They’re tearing this city apart looking for you and who knows what they’ll do if they catch your trail.”

“I thought you weren’t getting involved in what happens to me?”

“Shut up. I’m not concerned with _you_. The other demons are fair game since I think my family may be in a smidgeon over their heads.”

“I think mine is too. This is a real shit show, ain’t it?”

“Isn’t.”

“Isn’t what?”

“It’s not ‘ain’t’. It’s ‘isn’t’.”

“Ugh, whatever. Point is if there ever was a circus of miscreants named the Shit Show, I would be the main attraction for my prodigal abilities to make situations go to shit, then fling that shit like an unruly zoo monkey with the sole purpose of making that shit hit the fan. And oh, does it. My aim is nigh unerring in the shit flinging department.”

“That metaphor was disgusting. But if you’re feeling momentarily responsible for this mess than help us resolve it. You know the demons that are wreaking havoc in this city and we don’t.”

“So what?”

“So tell me what you think your siblings are going to do. What do they want? How would they react if they found out where you are?”

You shrug. “I’m not the psychic one here, but knowing Dirk he’ll try to take out the lot of you if he finds me. But I’m just saying, there’s a chance I can talk him down since I don’t really don’t want him wrecking shit either. My sisters are pretty reasonable too. They’re playing along to his whole destroy the city thing while they got nothing else to go on but that doesn’t mean they won’t chill out if they find out I’m actually fine and this is all stupid. So that’s points to the whole “don’t kill me” argument, ‘cause they will flip off the handle if I turn up dead. If this shit drags on and gets even more heated, I dunno. Dirk’s doing the stupid sect ladder climbing shtick so he might have to kick some asses just to save face, but ya know. Strider’s gotta do what a Strider’s gotta do.”

Jane looks up. “Wait a moment. Strider? Your brother isn’t Dirk Strider?”

You blink. “Uh. Yeah? You know him?”

Jane grimaces, eyebrows pulling together. “You should keep up with the news. It’s not official yet but I keep my ear to the ground about these things. He’s going to be the next head of the Derse any time now, once Snowman retires. People have been calling him the Prince of Derse and he’s been making quite the fuss, along with those two sister demons.”

“Well, fuck. Shit just got more complicated didn’t it?” Besides sects being total failures at their only real purpose, one of the reasons you left Derse was the damn politics. You suddenly realize you are way out of your league here. A ten-year-old Little League kid playing b-ball on the professional teams is more in his league than you are.

“Yes, shit did. Does the rest of your family know that Noir killed your guardians?”

“Don’t think so. They don’t know the name yet, but that doesn’t mean they won’t recognize him or figure it out. Shit will fly even more off the handle if they find out so I’m fine with keeping it a secret for now.”

Jane stands up, brushing back her hair again and beginning to pace. “This is still serious. Do you understand what would happen if the almost-leader of Derse attacks the head of Prospit? Fights like that aren’t condoned under any law. It could start a war between our guild and your sect. That is if your brother hasn’t already provoked them enough already.”

“Whoa whoa there. You aren’t serious? Come on. I ain’t starting no war. Does this look like the mug that launched a thousand ships to you?” This is so unfair. How in seven hells did a misunderstanding and a broken leg become a _war_ threat?

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve got the looks for it or not.”

“Burn.”

“Oh shush. Why do you even care if a war starts anyway? You demons could get your revenge on Noir this way.”

“For the love of- you think I wanna be responsible for this kinda shit?”

“I don’t know how demons think. Maybe you do.”

You scowl, just a bit. “So are you just going to keep that stick up your ass or do you want me to actually help you figure this out?”

“Your information is useful but that doesn’t mean I want your help. Nephilim can’t trust demons. That’s the first thing my dad taught me.” She doesn’t look at you as she says it.

You throw your hands in the air. “Christ, not that line again. You sound just like Dirk, with all that nobody can be trusted shit. Well you know what, me and John-”

“John and I-”

“Shut uuup.” You take a breath before continuing. “John and _I_ trusted each other and that’s the only reason we aren’t both dead right now. He’s more chill than a lot of demons I know, and hate to fuck with your worldview princess but _you’re_ a lot harsher than some of the same spawn of the underworld. Maybe we need to stop thinking of things in terms of ‘humans vs. demons’ and more in terms of _people_ who are or aren’t murderous assholes. Noir is a bad dude no matter how you look at it, and demon or not I’m the one willing to prevent this whole thing from becoming a shitfest. Can’t you see that?”

Jane is quiet for a moment.

“What do you have me do?” Her voice is soft.

“You really, really gotta let me call my bro. If he knows I’m okay there’s a chance he’ll calm down and we can work this thing out. Or, crazy thought, you could just let me fucking _go_ already.”

“I can’t do that.” Her eyes were focused far off.

“And why the fuck not?”

“We’re in this too deep already. There’s no way we can just walk away now and pretend like nothing happened. As far as I know the Prince of Derse and two of his best people are after my family with the intent to kill. If this turns ugly, you’re the biggest bargaining chip against them, and Derse, we could ask for. My first obligation is to keep my family safe. If keeping you around can help us in any way, I’ll do it. I can’t just forget that you’re a demon. Jack is one thing, but I won’t put you above them. Ever.”

You knew that Jane was the most brutal of the hunter clan but the ice in her voice shocks you. But what she’s saying makes sense, doesn’t it? They were still humans, you were still a demon. No matter how stupid a division you’re starting to think that is, you can’t expect her to let you off out of the goodness of her heart.

“So you think you can pawn me off for some bullshit truce? Derse would not be cool with that. Dirk’d never do that just for me.” But even as you say it you get the feeling that might not be true.

“He’s seemed pretty concerned for your safety so far. I’m willing to bet you can make a big difference. We could force a deal.”

Shit, okay, that was the worst possible thing that could happen. So you were going to start a war, then make your side lose? Way to go Dave. “Hey hey, you’re being pretty hasty here aren’t you? What happened to leaving it up to the others? Don’t they get a say in this?”

“I suppose so.”

You try to calm yourself the fuck down. That was a joke, you’re always chill as fuck and you can totally handle this. Totally. You wish Roxy were here. Or Rose. Or even Dirk. Just because you are chill as hell as fuck didn’t mean that you aren’t still in way over your head.

Jane opens the door and lets John, Jade, and Jake shuffle in. John gave you a weak smile that you barely tried to return. Jane explains briefly how Dirk is some sort of rising star and surprise, things are even worse than they seemed. This is bullshit. How did you end up so ass deep in such a steaming pile of fresh bullshit? You had to be setting world records for how badly you have fucked up.

“Jane, we can’t jump to conclusions.” Jade says as soon as she’s done. “We need to at least _try_ to end this peacefully. Nobody wants a war between guilds and sects over something like this!”

“Noir killed their guardians. It might be too late if they figure that out.”

“We need to let him at least try to talk them down. Jade said she can make her phone untraceable. Let Dave call them! What could go wrong?” John pleaded.

“He could pull any sort of trickery! He could call someone else, or give them a secret message. It’s too risky. Why don’t one of us just try and contact the demons directly? A ransom notice ought to get their attention.”

“How is that less dangerous? They’ll never listen to us if they don’t even know if Dave’s okay!” John pipes in. You sit up as best you can and all of the hunter’s eyes shoot to you. Everyone is on edge.

“Okay, how about you guys get one of their numbers however you can pull off, and I’ll talk to them with that number. I’ll even text them so you know I’m not pulling any bullshit that I have no reason to pull. But on one condition. You gotta do something about this bum leg of mine. Jane, you’re a healer right?”

Her eyebrows shoot up. “What? Why do I have to help _you_?”

“Because I’m totally cooperating with you people? I mean shit I’ve spilled my guts all over for you guys. I could just say fuck you and let us go to war. After all I still wanna kill Noir. But no, I don’t want to be responsible for this kind of shit. I’ll be happy to help you guys out however, just as long as I’m not out of action for whatever’s about to happen. You can still lock me up or whatever. I’m not exactly driving a hard bargain.”

Jake puts a hand on his cousin’s shoulder. “Jane… it’s alright. It’s four against one, even without the wards. Hardly a man’s battle at all. I say the chap’s earned it.”

After a moment her shoulders droop. “Fine. But I’m still not using my magic to heal you. I know a spell that just draws more energy to force your body to heal faster. It’ll tire you out but it should be healed by the morning. That’s all I’ll do.”

“That would be… awesome, actually.” You were half expecting her to give you a pair of crutches and tell you to fuck off. It takes only a moment for her to cast the spell. Jane doesn’t even need to use sacred ink like John did because that stuff is apparently for noobs. At a touch of her cool hands light blue symbol that looked like two waves, or maybe fire, appeared on your leg. It left you a little winded but if it could make you finally not useless you were fine with it.

“Now,” Jane says, standing up, “to get in contact with the Derse people. Any ideas?”

Jake raises a hand, tentatively. “Hate to bring this up, but… err… I think I might have a way to contact him. Dirk I mean. I uh, met the chap a few days ago.”

“Wait, you did what? And you didn’t decide to bring this up until now?!” Jade exclaims.

“Arg! It was! By chance! We were sitting next to each other on the plane, swear to my monkey’s uncle! I didn’t know who he was or that he was even a demon! We got along and the bloke gave me his number so we might chat. I didn’t even realize who he really is until Dave described him.”

Jane pinches the bridge of her nose. “I can’t believe you didn’t realize… and of all the darned coincidences! Bluh. I guess that isn’t very important right now.”

“Righto you are lass! Doesn’t matter in the slightest! You could use the digits he gave me. I doubt it’s a trick number or any some such.” Jake laughed nervously, pulling at his collar. Wait.

You blink. “Oh. Oh my _god_. You fucked him.”

Jake jumps, guilt pouring off him in waves. “Oh howdy, BOY NELLY that is QUITE THE PRESUMPTION YOU ARE MAKING SIR-”

“JAKE!”

“You did WHAT?”

All four of you stare at him for a second. Jane radiates enough anger to melt steel while John stares open-mouthed and Jade honestly looks a little impressed.

“I DIDN’T DO A THING I DIDN’T KNOW A DARNED TOOTIN THING JIMMINY CRICKETS-”

“JAKE! Jake did you fuck a demon?!?” John exclaims. His cheeks are red.

“I did not fuck the fellow!! We didn’t! Not really? Relations were limited to the confines of an airplane loo! I suppose you could say he-”

“No.” You interrupt, “No. I really, really do not want to know. Ever. At all. Under any circumstances. Christ.”

“Maybe he doesn’t, but Jake you _have_ to tell me about it later,” Jade giggles. Jane put her face in her hands. You kind of want to do the same thing.

“Can you just. Just give me the god damn phone.” Jake reluctantly hands you his cellphone with the number pulled up. It is Dirk’s personal cell; he must’ve liked the guy you guess. You change Jake’s text color to your familiar red first. Jane peeks awkwardly as fuck over your shoulder as you type. John gives you a reassuring smile and you send a text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, the author that wont give this kid a break: give this kid a break  
> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	15. XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact i wrote this monstrosity of before i knew how terrible formatting pesterlogs is. dave why wont you ever shut up  
> we create our own demons

**XV.**

**Dave: Be Roxy=== >**

Your name is ROXY LALONDE. What, you thought you would be Dirk next? Alas, Dirk is currently flipping shit too hard to have anyone “be him” right now. He’d just handed you his phone so you could read what happened before going back to pacing. You had been out SCOUTING AROUND when this conversation happened which totally SUX! You wanted to talk to Dave too and make sure your dunderhead lil bro is ALRIGHT.

GT: hey  
GT: so  
GT: its not jake  
GT: congrats on the airplane bang btw  
GT: its dave  
GT: sup  
TT: Oh dear sweet Jesus Christ.   
TT: Is this a trick?   
GT: wow hi to you too bro  
GT: no not really  
TT: Why the fuck do you have Jake’s phone?   
TT: Never mind, that’s not the point.   
TT: What the fuck is going on? Can you even prove you’re really Dave? And be convincing. I’m not in the mood.   
GT: uh i dunno  
GT: i totally am though do we need to rap about this  
TT: No.   
TT: How about this. What did you get for Hanukkah three years ago?   
GT: what the fuck were not jewish  
GT: or christian for that matter is that a trick question  
TT: Why don’t you tell me?   
GT: ass  
GT: fine  
GT: not for Hanukkah but for christmas that year rose knitted us all those god awful sweaters  
GT: mine had lights in it somehow and that bad dick joke what was it again  
GT: cant remember  
GT: also rox got me a lifetime subscription to the jerky of the month club and if youve been eating that while im gone youre so dead  
GT: and that was the year i got my bike right  
GT: no that was totally the year after for graduation  
GT: you named it kyoko sakura and i hate you for it  
GT: can we please talk about not horseshit now  
TT: Rose has been eating it, for the record.  
GT: gdi  
TT: And yes, if could we get around to what the fuck happened here that would be just goddamn stupendous.   
GT: its kinda a long story that uh i think should start with  
GT: you do know jakes a hunter right??   
TT: He’s a  
TT: What the fuck.   
GT: haha you seriously didnt pick up on that i thought you banged  
TT: I never tried to use mind fuckery so how was I supposed to tell? I didn’t need to. The guy really wanted his dick sucked in an airplane bathroom.   
GT: ok tmi???   
TT: You asked. And so I will ask, how the hell did you get your hands on a hunter’s cell?   
GT: im getting there  
GT: so im assuming you figured out via The Sight ^TM i had a bit of a setback involving a mr tall dark and handsome who broke my leg and took me to his house  
TT: Yeah, Rose saw. Excuse me Saw. You’re a massive idiot for being so careless. Truly a new tier of idiotdom has been reached today.   
GT: ok well hate to break it to you but going apeshit on the city over it is also not the greatest idea like come on dude its not even that big a deal  
GT: hunter dude is john and hes actually cool  
GT: he hurt me kinda on accident in the first place  
GT: i mean the attacking me was on purpose but  
GT: he wasnt gonna kill me  
GT: this is all just the biggest fuck up of a misunderstanding since romeo and Juliet and everyone should chill out because this isnt even a big deal  
TT: I’ve really yet to be convinced that it isn’t. If this is really all a “misunderstanding” and this John character is somehow not a jackass who not only broke your goddamn leg in an alley but kidnapped you afterward, then how about telling me where the fuck you are? Rox and Rose are worried sick so don’t think you’re getting out of this without some intense goddamn supplication. Also, I’m going to kick your ass.   
GT: wow now im REALLY looking forward to this lemme just rush over and we can get right on that  
GT: but not because theres a small snag in your plan to further mangle my crippled body and it is a straight up riot just wait til you hear this one   
GT: john has been cool but hes got a hunter family that found out about me and is notably less so about the situation  
GT: a hunter family that includes jake thus completing the circle of stupidity that has dominated my karmic cycle as of late  
GT: thats where i got the phone  
TT: You pickpocketed a hunter? Nice. Still doesn’t answer my question.   
GT: actually i didnt   
GT: he suggested i use it  
TT: He what?   
GT: id ask what kind of legendary nephilim man love handle he has to possess for you to actually give him your number but  
GT: yeah no i think his sister would break my other leg if i asked so shutting up now   
TT: Wait a second. You mean you’re still with them? They still have you?   
GT: uh  
GT: yeah  
GT: like i said small snag   
TT: Oh my god you fucking idiot! You mean you haven’t gotten away yet what are you thinking? These are hunters and your shitbag *illegal rogue* ass has just been sitting there shooting the breeze?   
TT: Are you okay? Where the fuck are you?   
GT: dont blow a gasket jesus im not dead  
GT: but uh no can tell where i am theyre reading over my shoulder here  
GT: its against da rulez remember what i said about the leg breaking thing  
TT: Stop shitting around, Dave. This is serious. I can’t believe you got your stupid ass caught. How could you be that careless?   
TT: Why don’t you, and hear me out about this, think about the consequences of your fucking actions before you go do something so shit-brained?   
GT: yeah cool how about you bitch at me more im sure thatll solve everything  
GT: this wasnt even really my fault in the first place i didnt ask to get attacked  
GT: and anyway they arent letting me text you to catch up  
TT: You deserve it but fine. First off, are you seriously okay?   
GT: besides being neck deep in the steamiest of horseshit  
GT: nothing thatll keep me down for that long  
TT: Okay. And before you say it yes, I’m completely aware that the hunters could type anything they wanted you to say at this point. I’m taking into account you could actively dying as we speak. But I also know that you won’t die because it’s cosmically impossible for you to do so before I can gut you myself for being such a hare-brained bonefied moronic dumbass of the highest degree. The initiation ceremony into the high order idiot lodge is yet to be scheduled but we’re thinking in the morning before your funeral.   
GT: only if they serve a brunch afterwards  
GT: you cant half ass these things  
GT: anyway about the relevant the point im trying to make here  
GT: you should stop fucking everything up around here looking for me its getting kinda over the top  
TT: Yeah probably not going to do that.   
GT: you gotta  
TT: No. All this has told me for sure is that you’re alive and that me and the girls aren’t ripping this city limb from limb looking for a corpse. Finding you is still the best option and now we know who’s holding you so fuck you, hunters that are reading this.   
GT: pls dont make them hate me more  
TT: Sorry.   
GT: anyway  
GT: wrecking shit seriously isnt the best idea bro  
GT: cause apparently youre some big shot now which is dumb when did that happen anyway  
GT: i just dont want that to turn this into like  
GT: a thing  
TT: We are most assuredly past the point of this being “a thing”, Dave.   
GT: granted but this shouldnt become a BIG thing  
GT: this whole situation is so stupid  
GT: john didnt even have the guts to kill a hominid and he only took me to his apartment cause he kinda panicked and thought i was gonna die or something  
GT: then his cousin showed up and shes a werewolf and noir was following him and one of his goons saw me and they shot at us and we jumped out of a window into a river and stole a dudebros car and went to a place i cant talk about and his sister hates me and you banged his other cousin and now youre raising hell for no good reason its like a fucking looney tunes special all up in here or at least a really bad soap opera if they involved demons and murder  
TT: Wait. Noir knows about this too? Jesus tap dancing Christ could you have fucked this up any worse? How exactly did you get the leader of Prospit on your ass? Even I don’t know exactly what he can do.   
GT: haha yeah you should totally never find out  
GT: dont fight him  
GT: at all  
GT: ever  
TT: We’ll see.   
GT: dont  
GT: do not  
GT: k  
GT: ok they want me to get to the point so here it is  
GT: stop fucking fighting everyone oh my god  
GT: this is gonna turn into a war dirk middle ages demon on hunter crusades shit  
GT: you are so not starting something like that over me  
TT: If they want to give you back maybe I’d consider it.   
GT: yeah still trying to convince them to do that its not going well  
TT: I’m still not seeing why I should stop looking for you. And why are you cooperating with them anyway? Are you just rambling on with a gun to your head or what? I’m taking that as a very probable situation.   
GT: gdi dirk  
GT: you neurotic asshole will you actually listen to what im saying here  
GT: like yeah duh im 100% not cool with how i got demonnapped but for now these hunters just want you to simmer down  
GT: and i also dont want a stupid pride fight to break out over me so what do you know our interests overlap on this one thing so here we are  
GT: and you can think im being threatened into saying this but on the off chance that im actually choosing to say this to you which fun fact i am  
GT: actually listen when i say i dont want you bringing guilds and sects and egos into this like a high profile douche like you is bound to do  
GT: if you start a war over me i swear to god  
GT: im not fucking helen of asshole land sailing a thousand morons  
GT: dont make me responsible for this kind of shit  
TT: You wouldn’t be responsible Dave. That would strictly be between me and the assholes that took you.   
TT: Besides that, what, so you want me to sit around twiddling my thumbs while you’re rotting god knows where? Which just coincidentally happens to be what the hunters want us to do while they track us down and kill us? What do I get in exchange?   
GT: me not being murdered?   
GT: uh that was a joke dont freak out they totally probably wont kill me  
GT: they dont know for sure yet if noir will try to start major shit over this and thats the situation everyone wants to avoid  
GT: i think im just their living insurance policy while we figure this out  
GT: im a bad australian accent away from being the fucking geico lizard  
GT: even besides the helen thing do i even have to get into how not cool this is  
GT: wait is it a lizard or a gecko   
TT: Dave.   
TT: Just tell me, in very plain words, what the fuck they want from me and what I’ll get out of it.   
GT: uuh just for you guys to simmer down until they know where this whole thing is going  
GT: they want twenty four hours with no attacking/raiding then theyll talk more  
GT: in exchange i get to be alive and have apple jacks sounds like a deal to me  
TT: And how do I know for sure they won’t just kill you anyway?   
GT: i dont th  
GT: Alright, Strider. Chat time is over.   
You glance up at Dirk.  
“Just keep reading,” he grumbles.  
TT: The fuck. Put Dave back on.   
GT: He’s dithered on long enough. You’re done talking to him. He’s fine for now, don’t worry. Now you talk to me.   
TT: Fine. I’ve been wanting to chat actually. This isn’t Jake, is it?   
GT: No. His sister. I have words about your relations with him but that’s neither here nor there. Now’s business time.   
TT: For the record I really didn’t know who he was. Now what the fuck do you really want?   
GT: I want just what he said. I don’t want a war.   
TT: But you won’t hand him over either.   
GT: Obviously. I don’t trust you demons a god darn inch. You think I’ll give up my best bargaining chip for your word? Do I seem that stupid to you?   
TT: You seem to think that kidnapping the kid brother of the Prince of Derse is a good idea. I’m interested to see what you’re going to decide is a logical choice next.   
GT: Picking him up was a fluke and you know it, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to give him up so easily.   
GT: He’s insurance, just like he said.   
GT: If Noir doesn’t make a move and neither do you, maybe we can just let this whole thing blow over. No one has to get hurt, not even Dave.   
TT: What’s the phrase I’m looking for?  
TT: Oh yes, that’s it. “I don’t trust you hunters a god darn inch.”   
GT: You don’t have to trust us. You just have to believe me when I say that if any of you lay a hand on one more hunter you will find Dave face-down in a river.   
TT: If that happens I promise you I will personally put you and your brood there next.   
TT: Twenty-four hours. You better have a damn good argument for me to not tear Prospit guild to the ground.   
GT: Pleasure doing business with you.

When you finish reading you click the phone off and drop it on the couch. You don't want to look at that red text anymore. Dirk continues to wear a trench in Dave's carpet with his nervous pacing (He claimed it helped him think. You claim he is a liar). For convenience you, Dirk, and Rose are staying in Dave's apartment. Two days ago Rose had found his keys in the alley outside, along with her twin's ripped shirt and destroyed cell phone. Fury had radiated off her in a way very similar to Dirk. Once again it’s up to you to try to think clearly for everyone, which is hard when you are also worrying to the max! Dave’s tough as nails, you know that, but this is some real shit happening here.

“I am going to rip his lungs directly out of his ass!" Dirk exclaims the moment you've finished reading. "That little shit. He better hope he gets killed by those fuckers before I get my hands on his scrawny neck. I am going to drag his bitch ass back home, demon Jesus as my witness, and ground the fucker. I will do it. I will ground him. I will ground him, for ‘til college.”

“Dirk. He’s already in college. Or was.”

“Won’t be when I’m through with him.”

“Di-Stri. That doesn’t even make any sense. I know you’re worried sick about him but you need to keep your head."

"I have my head. My cranium is firmly connected to my body, and it's telling me to go kick somebody's ass"

"Hey buster, come on." You catch him in his pacing with a hug. He's taunt as a bowstring. "If you get any more heated the room’s gonna burst into flames. Don’t wreck Dave’s pad." You rub his back a little and he relaxes the tiniest fraction.

Back when your two families had first found each other, you had crushed pretty hard on Dirk. Even if he is your pseudo-step brother, you guys aren't actually related and he’s an awesome guy. But in the end Dirk's flaming gayness put a damper on it- just because he had sex with whoever didn't mean that he wanted a romantic relationship with a lady. Incubi went more with romantic orientations more than sexual ones seeing as how they were essentially all pansexual. Not until after your mom and his bro died did what was left of that crush snuff out. Back then you and Dirk had enough trouble trying to keep everyone alive and fed to worry about anything else. Now he really is more like a brother, or a partner you've been through hell and back with. You trust him with your life.

But you also know that when it came to keeping your ramshackle little family safe, Dirk could be... well, dedicated was putting it lightly. And no matter how much the dunderhead denied it he had always been more protective of Dave than anyone, ever since Dirk had watched him almost die. He’d always pushed Dave harder, been stricter, and trained him tougher. You think that on some level Dave understands Dirk’s intentions but that almost makes it worse. Dave hates being babied, and he _hates_ feeling like a burden.

You also realize that on another more realistic level none of that matters now. Shit was going down sibling spat or not.  

“Dirk you aren’t gonna pull something are you? We can’t afford to let this go any further. If Prospit or Derse as a whole gets involved everyone is fucked. Even Dave sees that. Besides, didn’t you see what the chick said? If there’s no danger maybe she’ll just let him go and we can all just go home. I hate to say it but it’s not a bad idea to just sit tight.”

He finally slips out of your hug and flops onto the couch. “And if that was all a bluff? What if they decide to gank him anyway, and us too while we stand around?”

“I dunno, Dave seemed alright. He was nervous rambling but that is also kind of the norm for him.”

“Oh yeah, the part where he said they ‘totally probably ’ won’t fucking murder him just filled me with so much fucking assurance. The relief I’m feeling, truly it overfloweth, so content am I with the absolute 100% certainty that nothing bad could possibly happen to him.”

“Ugh, you know what I mean! What did Rose think?”

Dirk glances at the bedroom door. Rose was in there trying to use her Seer powers to figure something out. “She’s been at it for hours. When she read the texts all she said was that she didn’t think Dave sounded in that much danger. More accurately, that Dave doesn’t _consider_ himself in mortal danger. But that could mean anything.”

You bite your lip. He’s right, of course. Anything could be happening. But… you have a feeling that maybe you guys should play it safe for now. Any big plays were sure to be bad for Dave.

“What if I go looking for him?” You suggest, “I’ll make sure no one notices me. The agreement was to not fight, not that we can’t look for him. I can see if he’s okay without pissing them off.”

“Rox… I agree, but I should go. You already broke into that Prospit guild basically by yourself and look how that turned out. It’s not fair for you to have to risk yourself again. I can handle a little espionage.”

“Then we should both go!”

“Someone has to stay with Rose, remember? She’s in her Seer trance or whatever it’s called. If she tries to break into Dave’s dreams and fails then she’ll be unconscious for who knows how long. Kanaya’s with her but like I said, we’re sitting ducks here and she’ll need help getting Rose out safe if it comes to that.”

“Right…” You sigh the biggest sigh of all. The sigh of a long-suffering sis. “Fine. Go dig around, but _do not_ break into someplace dangerous. Or get in a fight. I’ll let you know if Rose finds anything.”

Dirk stands sharply and nods. “No one will know.” He offers you a fist and you bump it, just for good luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter updated 4/3/16


	16. XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the gay doesnt stop from happening

**XIV.**

**Roxy: Be John=== >**

You once again John Egbert, and with all the shenanigans going down recently you've hardly had any time to do really anything other than worry really. Worry about Jane, about Dave, and mostly about how you might have maybe possibly just started a war. Fuck. You really don't want to think about it right now. But you really can't stop thinking about it, so preoccupied that you walk right into a solid oak door and spend the next five minutes clutching your nose to stop it bleeding. You're sure the holy peanut gallery of saints that decorate the church's walls are getting a real kick out of your distress. You are allergic to their scorn.

You manage to make it to the kitchen without walking into any more doors, pausing to admire the ornate fireplace before helping yourself to dinner. A bright orange flame flickers in the fireplace. It doesn't matter that it's March and not terribly chilly outside. In a home (or safehouse), a fireplace needs a fire, because that's what fireplace is for. A fire BELONGS in a FIREPLACE, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception. As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays.

"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain. Yep. You are _almost_ certain Mark Twain said that.

But enough of that! You can smell food wafting from the kitchen, with an aroma powerful enough to lift a portly hobo off his feet in a cartoonish fashion. Jane must be cooking. She does that a lot when she's stressed, something you probably picked up from her, but might as well benefit from it while she's at it. Running for your life from a sharply dressed, gun wielding demon hunter sure can work up an appetite. You make a mental note to bring some to Dave, because you are pretty sure even if he could walk into the kitchen, Jane doesn’t want him out of the storage room let alone in the kitchen- delicious cooking be damned. Right now he’s trying to take a nap in there.

"Hi Jane!" You greet, but despite your friendly tone, she still flinches slightly.

"Oh, hello John. Would you fancy some breakfast-for-dinner?"

"Of course! Where are Jake and Jade?"

"Jade wanted to check in with Karkat, and Jake has refused to so much as look me in the eye since he explained how he received that demon's phone number." Jane says matter of factly, flipping a pancake with ease. You wince slightly as you ease yourself into a chair where a plate has already been set out.

When a heap of food is deposited on your plate you thank her. The two of you eat in awkward silence, until Jade walks in, and then it's even more awkward. You didn't think that was possible, but it is. Because now the three of you are sitting around the dinner table in complete silence, trying to pretend like there isn't a demon in the other room and you aren't personally responsible for the war that is threatening to break out. Yep. Super awkward.

"So uh, what did Karkat say?" You ask in a desperate attempt to break the tension.

"He said you a sniveling cock jockey and he wants to kick your ass for putting me in danger. Isn't he sweet?"

"Watch your language." Jane reminds her, but there isn't the normal snip in her voice and you can tell she's really worn out.

"Sorry Jane. Anyways, I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed. Jake went out to get some air but he’ll be back by morning. I think he’s still embarrassed about… you know.”

"Yeah, then I'm gonna go get Dave, uh, situated with a bed and stuff." You shuffle awkwardly at the mention of Dave and the anger that flashes in her eyes for a moment.

"Alright. Take him some food too while you're at it."

"Really? Thanks Jane!"

"I don't want anyone to think my family doesn't take care of their prisoners. We're not barbarians. Dry Apple Jacks do not a dinner make, and after I reinforce the boundary wards he can come out of the storage room."

"Haha yeah, thanks Jane. And you can just leave the dishes out if you want and I'll clean them in the morning.”

"Thank you John, but the first sign of a good cook is cleaning up after themselves, so that’s what I'm going to do." She finishes eating the slice of toast and stands up to wash her hands.

That's when you decide now is a good time to make your hasty exit, and grab a plateful of food and scamper to the weapons room where Dave is standing- leaning heavily against a wall- but standing! Even if he does look like he's about to pass out you're impressed! Your sister does not mess around.

"I thought you were gonna rest but hey! You're walking! That's great!"

"Not as great as those pancakes look. Did you make them?"

"Uh, no, Jane did."

"Shit is it poisoned?

"Ugh no Dave! It's just food. I had some of the same like five minutes ago. Geez"

"Alright, but if I fall to the ground convulsing you know who dun it."

"Kay, I'll make sure to avenge your death."

"Cool thanks. Knew I could count on you babe." You help him sit down at a flimsy card table covered in rune books and set the food down for him to tuck in to. You're hovering, shifting from foot to foot or whistling idly as you wait for him to finish eating.

"So uh, there are five bedrooms here, but one of them was my uh, dads and we don’t go in there, and the last four rooms are obviously taken. So I guess we’re rooming together because I'm the only one who doesn't want to kill you even a little bit right now. There’s still wards around but I have a bunk bed."

“Wow, a bunk bed. And they say romance is dead." He says around a mouthful of pancake and roll your eyes SO HARD at him.

"Yep that's me! The romance master! Except not because I'm totally claiming the top bunk so ha!"

"Gonna be real with you dude, I honestly don't think I could have physically gotten onto the top bunk with this leg but don't worry normally, I would totally fight you for it."

"Well, uh ok... I guess. Just finish up eating and we can go to sleep. You look like shit."

"Thanks."

"Just saying!"

 

**Dave: Climb that echeladder. === >**

You rocket up your echeladder to the esteemed rank of BORDERLINE TOLERATED SHELTER-DWELLER. It is a big step up from your previous state of METAPHORIC LION SURROUNDED BY TANK-WIELDING DEER… you guess? Who are you kidding this is not a big step. You’re like some mangy stray dog that John let in that Jane no longer wants to murder, and will now thow table scraps. Nothing’s really changed except you now get pancakes that don't contain cyanide or holy water. You will fucking take it.

Echeladders, for convenient reference, are fake and do not exist in this universe.

Moving on.

You finish off Jane’s delicious pancakes and are left vaguely starving despite your stomach being full to bursting. Hot mamma’s healing spell seems to be doing its job so you shouldn’t really complain.

“Ready to go to bed Dave? Or are you going to fall asleep at the table.”

“Maybe I will.”

“Gross! The syrup would get in your hair.”

“Fuck. Can’t risk the ‘do. But yeah food coma is setting in pretty hard. Let’s split. Not gonna lie the room of death weapons is freakin’ me out a little. I’m scared this shit will blow my arm off if I touch any of it.”

“Uh, right. Sorry about that.” John grins nervously, teeth bright against his dark skin. His hair had dried funny after your impromptu dip in the river, but honestly it didn’t look that different than his usual curly mop. You bet John’s hair is the kind that retains basically the same level of messy chaos no matter what you do to it. You kind of want to touch it.

Wow, okay, that was a pretty weird thought Dave. Good thing you didn’t say that out loud You’re more or less steady on your feet but John rushes to help you anyway. You decide to let it slide because you’re not quite to the point of actual walking yet. Also he’s warm and smells like pancakes and fuck it you lost your dignity long ago.

“Geez Dave, I can’t believe you’re still so light when I just watched you eat _at least_ twenty pounds of pancakes. You violate the law of conservation of mass.”

You balance on one foot while he unlocks the ward on the room. The whole church is buzzing with the things.

“Well you violate the law of conservation of sass.”

“Hehe, that was pretty good.”

“Eh. The wordplay was okay but the content could have been better.” John creaks open the door and helps you into the living room, your arm over his shoulder and his hand on your waist. If you were so inclined John is just short enough for you to rest your cheek on his curly dark hair, but you are of course not inclined and you’re not going to do that. Especially because Jade just walked out of what you assume is the bathroom in just a towel.

How many fucking times are you going to see this chick naked/almost naked? Fuck hunters, and damn John’s family specifically to hell for all being so hot and so very, very off limits.

“Hey John, hey Dave! You guys going to bed?” There might have been a little innuendo in her voice but you might also be imagining it.

“Yeah! I’m letting him sleep in my bunk bed. Don’t worry, if he snores I will kick him out!”

You elbow him in the ribs.

“I’m going to check on Karkat in the morning.” Jade continued, “I’m still worried about him! He’s a sweetheart and I love him but fighting isn’t really his thing.”

“You know despite all his yelling I kind of got that impression too,” you say with a smirk. “Is he really somewhere safe? It’s fucked up enough as it is that he’s involved in this shit at all.”

“I think he’s alright. He’s staying at a friend’s. But I’m going to have to bring him more movies so he doesn’t go stir crazy.”

“Good plan.” You shift your weight a little. You haven’t popped a boner, even a little, which you are very proud of. It might have something to do with the fact that you’re starting to feel lightheaded. “Alright, we should hit the hay.”

“Yeah. I think Dave’s gonna pass out any second. I don’t want to have to carry him _again_.” John says in a long-suffering tone.

“Hate to disappoint but the fainting southern belle shtick isn’t really my thing. Asshole.”

“Hehe. Well have fun you guys! Oh, yeah, and John?” Jade asks with a faintly canine cock of her head.

“Yeah?”

“Just remember, you’re not allowed to have butt sex until I give you the talk!”

“WHAT!” John short-circuits for a moment.

“Wait, you mean he hasn’t had the talk yet?” You ask.

“Well the regular one, duh, but not the butt sex one! I can’t have him going in clueless, or lubeless.”

“JADE I’M NOT HAVING SEX IN THE BUTT!” To his credit John doesn’t drop you but his free arm flails wildly. It’s kind of hilarious.

“Not until I give you the butt sex talk you aren’t! Dave promise you won’t let him bamboozle you into sex with butts until I give him all the tips.”

You shrug. “Way to kill my plans for the evening. But alright.”

“I’m not! Gonna bamboozle him into butt sex Jade!” John continues to splutter, reminding you a little of Jake. “And I’m not getting butt sex tips from you! You’re like, not even a year older than me. I _have_ had sex before!”

“John.” Jade puts her hands on her hips. “True, I may not be that much older than you. But who has had the most butt sex here?”

“But I-”

“Tell me. Tell me how much butt sex you have had.”

“None...”

“And who has had the _most_ butt sex?!”

John hangs his head. “You have…”

“You bet your butt sex virginity I have!”

“I dunno sister, I may have you beat there.” You interject. She rolls her eyes.

“Incubi do not count! _Obviously_. The point is John, you will listen to my butt sex tips! All of them! Nobody’s sticking anything in anyone’s pooper until then! Got it?!”

“Yes ma’am.” You mock salute. Embarrassment pours off of John’s aura so thick it’s almost palatable. This is so great.

“Okay…”

Jade nods, satisfied, then lass scampers off to her room without a goodnight.

“Sorry about that. Jade takes her butt sex very seriously!” John forces a laugh.

“I can tell. So was that actually just a competition to see how many times we could say “butt sex” in one conversation without anyone flipping the fuck out?”

“I think so.”

“Can’t you just call it anal like regular people?”

“Ew gross Dave! No.” John opens a door with peeling black paint. The room is mostly bear with a bunk bed, cabinet, a desk, and no window, though there’s a National Treasure poster on the wall.

“A Cage movie? Really?”

John sets you down on the bottom bunk. Luckily your shoes had survived your dunk in the river and you set about taking them off without hurting yourself. Your side is starting to sting again but it’s only a scratch, suck it up.

“Hey, National Treasure is a classic! And I put that up when I was like, twelve. Cut me some slack.” He pulls some blankets out of the cabinet. “Ta-Dah! It gets pretty cold down here, so…”

“Aw, you mean you aren’t going to come warm my bed for me?” You say in your most sarcastic sugary-sweet voice. John blinks. “Given, bunk beds are the least sexy beds known to human or demon-kind. I mean it’s possible if you’re creative about it but someone _always_ ends up with a sore back and it’s usually me.”

“Dave I’m not gonna have butt sex with you if that’s what you’re implying.” John is still an impressive shade of red for how dark his skin is. Did you accidentally put some sexy vibes into your voice or something? Or butt sex is just on his mind now. Shit now you’re calling it butt sex.

“Dude are you actually getting flustered over this? We were just teasing. You’re being a baby.”

John snaps the desk drawer shut. “I am not a baby! It’s just! Grrr… Would a baby give you a goodnight kiss?!” And he strides over to you, grabs your chin and smooches you. You’re caught off guard. It was like giving a starving guy a steak out of nowhere, in the mouth, and also the steak is delicious and amazing and you’ve been eyeing the steak for days now. The kiss itself is a blur and a rush of amazing goddamn manna that you’re instinctively grabbing at John’s collar. You are not much of an active participant in this particular mack out but you really don’t care. Before you can think coherently John is pushing away from you and scrambling up the ladder to the top bunk.

“Goodnight Dave!” John sounds smugly satisfied even if his voice is about two octaves higher than normal.

You lick your lips and blink a few times. “Thanks for the bedtime snack. Night.” You then fall asleep almost instantly, fuzzy head and racing heart be damned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> butt sex but sex butt sex butt sex  
> Chapter updated: 4/3/16


	17. XVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so because of chapter reorganization this isn't actually a new chapter if you're a previous reader. new content (since january) starts next chapter. i promise you these edits improved things so dont complain  
> if you dont know what im talking about/a new reader, ignore this

**XVII.**

**Dave: Dream === >**

You aren’t actually sure if you’re asleep or not. The feeling is something like those bleary confused moments right after you wake up, or a particularly lucid dream. You’re still in John’s room but something’s strange. Across from you where the door used to be there’s only a huge space of blackness. Something flickers in and out of existence in the darkness like glitches on an old movie.

It’s Rose, sitting on your bed. Like the bed from your apartment. She’s sitting cross legged on your sheets with a crease in the middle of her forehead. Tendrils like fire flicker around Rose’s body and she’s half-transparent.

“Rose?” You ask. How the fuck could she be here? Was she always there? You can’t remember the exact reason that Rose’s presence is unusual. She looks up and sees you, just making eye contact before she vanishes.

 

**Rose: Contemplate ramifications of bashing your head into a wall. === >**

"Oh fuck." You groan in annoyance, already feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on. Dream walking was already difficult enough, but dream walking into a heavily warded hunter safe house was a fucking nightmare. Pun intended. You flop back onto Dave’s smelly bed with another annoyed huff, burying your face underneath your luxurious velvet pillow, which you packed for that exact reason. You feel the bed sag slightly as someone sits down next to you, and the smell of heavy rose perfume alerts you to exactly who has joined you. You lift the purple pillow from your face and take in the beauty of your vampire girlfriend.

"Hello lovely. You come ‘round here often?"

"No, this is in fact my first time visiting Seattle, although I do wish it had been under better circumstances."

"I thought vampires were supposed to like the cloudy Northwest?"

"You know as well as I do that that is bullshit my dear."

You chuckle softly and sit up, noticing the water bottle Kanaya has grasped lightly in her hands and eyeing it hopefully. She catches your glance and hands it to you, and you down it gratefully, leaving black lipstick marks on the edge.

"Are you telling me that poorly written teen fiction isn't the canard of behemothic embellishment that is supernatural?"

"That is, exactly what I'm saying." Kanaya often takes pauses when she is speaking, as if to ponder the next word she is about to say and all it's possible consequences before saying it. The exact opposite of Dave, you think. "How did the "Seeing" go?"

"Poorly I'm afraid, but I don't think Dave is in any dire situation at the moment. They seem to even have given him a bed."

"At least they treat their hostages with some care." Your girlfriend replied, with ice in her tone.

"Hey, it's going to be ok. I want to check one of my books to see if there is anything else I can do."

"Alright Rose. Don't push yourself too hard."

"An attempt will surely be made toward that end. Thank you for the water."

 

**Rose: Get the Tome === >**

You scramble to the floor of Dave’s room where a few hastily unpacked suitcases spilled clothing and books about the floor.

"Kanaya is this your bra?"

"Oh yes I was looking for that. Thank you." A dark hand reaches for the lacy undergarment and takes it with a faint blush.

"No problem, now excuse me while I open this hoary tome bound in the tanned, writing flesh of a tortured hellscholar. The screaming will subside shortly."

"I will wait patiently."

"Continue to not be alarmed while I record the most recent happenings with runes stroked in the black tears bled from the corruption-weary eyes of fifty thousand imagined occultists."

"Do what you have to do, I think I am going to go brew a pot of tea. Any suggestions?"

"Chamomile for me thanks."

Kanaya unfolds from where she was sitting gracefully, smoothing out the nonexistent wrinkles from her skirt and giving you a curt nod as she excuses herself. You turn your attention back to the ancient demon tome, searching it for more details on sleep walking, and communing through dreams. The Grimiore for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious contains very little in your search, as does The Book of Thoth, The Golden Dawn: The Original Account of the Teachings, Rites, and Ceremonies of the Hermetic Order, The Mystical Qabalah, Ars Vercanus: Advanced Magickal Techniques, The Demonology of King James I: Includes the Original Text of Daemonologie and News from Scotland. Some might wonder how you managed to pack all of these texts into a carry-on bag on a last minute flight to Seattle, and you might inform them that the answer could be found simply by inspecting the very titles you have managed to bring.  

You finally get something in Transcendental Magic: Its Doctrine and Ritual, where you find a passage about dream magic. It doesn't have much on ward interference, but it does have a binding ritual that you might make Dave make with you when this whole mess is over. It requires no sacrifice of life or limb and minimal blood bonding, and that way maybe next time you’ll actually be able to _find_ him when your twin gets into trouble. With a sigh and very little to go on you close the tome and trudge to the kitchen where your girlfriend and your sister are chatting, cups of tea in their hands. You take the cup in your hands and let out a long sigh. Dream walking even successfully is exhausting and you have a feeling this night is far from over.

 

**Dirk: Sneak. === >**

Tracking the IP address on Jake's phone was so easy it was almost laughable, for Roxy’s software at least. The signal jamming on it wasn’t half bad but it was nothing against her hacking skills. You get a read on the general location and the rest is cake because it’s stereotypically obvious which building is the hunters’.

The massive church sends a slight chill down your spine. Just because you're a demon doesn't mean you can't go into a gothic church, but it also doesn't mean you're comfortable around them. Especially heavily warded ones full of hunters. A small bubble of anger builds up in your gut as you glare at the intricate spires from your hiding place in the bushes. You _know_ Dave is in there and it infuriates you that the only thing stopping you from grabbing him then and there is an ugly squiggle in holy ink and a few words. You’re running low on ideas before a noise caught your attention.

Like a snapping branch in a cliché action movie the sound of footsteps on wet pavement alerts you to his presence almost immediately. He smells like booze and the way he stumbles when he walks betrays just how intoxicated he really is. That and how much of a moron he is, because you have to be practically brain dead to go wandering around drunk in the middle of a hostage situation with dangerous demons.

Jake English, great dick notwithstanding, is an idiot. You didn’t plan on it but you decide to take advantage of his stupidity as a chance to finally be able to do something constructive.

You slide out of the shrubbery silently, not a single aforementioned plot device stick cracking underneath your weight. You trail behind him silent as his own shadow. He's singing some kind of a drinking song and you are reminded- for a split second- how lovely his voice is but quickly push that thought away because now is not the time. You are mere inches behind him when he finally feels your breath on his neck and spins around, with a powerful, but sloppy, right hook.

"Missed me?" You ask like the smart ass you are before you deliver a blow to his stomach as hard as you can. He must have had better abs than you thought because instead of collapsing to the ground like you had hoped, he doubles over and heaves the mostly liquid contests from his stomach. Disgusting. You quickly take a step back to avoid getting his puke on your shoes, lip curling appropriately. He doesn't stay down for long, taking a powerful stance despite his current level of intoxication.

"You! Blasted demon! You tricked me and made a god damn fool of me in front of my family! Not to mention using me!" He splutters and you roll your eyes.

"Uh, no shit dude, of course I was using you. Did you actually think I had any interest in you other than your manna?" You reply in an easy drawl despite the numerous punches you were dodging. He would probably be a match for you sober and armed, but lucky for you his defense is full of holes, and with one quick overhead kick it’s over.

He lands in the puddle as he goes limp, and you make a face at the thought of picking him up and having to touch his wet smelly clothes. His rosary catches the moonlight and in with a jarring amount of maliciousness you stamp down on it as hard as you can, bending the delicate metal and snapping it off Jake’s neck. Thunder rumbles ominously in the distance-- as if in response to what you just did, so you put your distaste aside for now, and scoop the unconscious hunter up. He's heavy as fuck, but after years of lifting heavy metal parts for robotics it's hardly much of a difficulty. Now you just have to think of some sort of explanation before you get back to the apartment. Roxy won’t be too happy with you- but at least now you have _something_ to guarantee Dave’s life with.

 

**Dirk: Be the even bigger asshole=== >**

Your name is JACK NOIR aka SPADES SLICK. You are the leader of a notoriously vicious gang of mobster demon hunters called the MIDNIGHT CREW, who run the show behind the scenes in PROSPIT GUILD.

Your subordinates, CLUBS DEUCE, DIAMONDS DROOG, and HEARTS BOXCARS have been dispatched to various locations throughout the city to begin carrying out your mission. Your objective is to find the demon brat, the demon-loving brat, and the werewolf. Disciplining traitors, enforcing policies- all that usual bullshit you have to do as head of Prospit.

That's the business end of it. The pleasure will be painting this ugly town red with the blood of those miserable demon motherfuckers. You find that leading an official guild cuts way into your indiscriminate killing time, and figure you can pin any murders on the demons that keep popping up at your bases. Such a headache. Lately you've been thinking maybe the whole official scene isn't your shtick after all. Things better get real bloody real quick or you're blowing this joint. Rule in the underground like that Snowman in Derse.

Your phone rings and you answer it. It's Diamonds Droog. Talk to me, you say. He says he just saw something veeeery interesting. You say what. He says that he just found the English kid getting drunk out of his mind at the Veil. Werewolf Harley's brother, he reminds you. You say of course you know who English is, what of it? The kid is a fine hunter who isn't afraid to roll some heads when heads need rollin'. You hope he isn’t siding with the mangey werewolf. He's one of the ones you like out of Egbert's brood. Jason used to be your favorite, tough kid, until he got older and started calling himself Jade and a girl. But now he's a werewolf so good riddance might as well kill him along with yellow-bellied John, who you have come to understand helped a demon, and thus has to die. Egbert senior had a lot of friends back in the day is the only hiccup there. People might not take kindly to you killing some of his kids, pains in the ass though truly they be.

You of course do not say any of that to Droog. You might have spaced off for a second but whatever, he’s talking again. He says English might know where the other brats are so he followed him. And guess who the kid ran into.

You say you're not going to guess. Just spit it out already. Droog says the kid got jumped by a demon. But not just any demon. The prince of Derse himself.

You say what the fuck is that bastard doing all the way out here? This is way west of their territory. He says I know. So I started snooping around. Putting my ear to the ground. Getting the word on the street. You say if he doesn't get to the point soon his ass is going to be what’s on the street.

He says okay fine. I didn't hear much but while I was digging around I did find something. The demon kid that Boxcar saw with John? Good chance that's the Prince's little brother.

You say well isn't that something. Droog says it sure is. You say the Prince must be after his brother. Wasn't the invisible bitch who hit that base earlier his too? He brought a whole entourage. The Crocker girl must be holding the little demon bastard so the Prince took English to get him back. He says that makes sense. You say of course it does if you're a pussy who doesn't want to get your hands dirty. If it were you, you would’ve offed the demon brat and left his body in the street then killed the Prince too when he came running.

Then you say it isn't every day that Derse dogs wander into the heart of Prospit looking for a lost pup now is it?

Droog says sure would be a pity if something were to go wrong. Hostage switches are much trickier in practice than in theory. Someone could ambush the exchange site, or kill the hostage beforehand. It’s messy business. You say it sure is. Especially when you’re talkin’ about the beloved kids of the Prospit head’s old partner and the Derse fucking royal family. This might turn ugly. Prospit and Derse might even go at each other’s throats over something like this.

Then you cut the bullshit and say yeah, let’s start some shit. Things have been too quiet around here lately. Peaceful even. It makes you sick. Droog agrees. You say did you follow the Prince after he took English? He says he set Boxcar after them. You say excellent, tell him to keep eyes on ‘em until you give the call. I’ll get everyone together before they try a trade-off. You know just the thing to get things rolling, and it involves stabbing.

He says he likes the way you think. These motherfuckers will never know what hit them. We’ll show that Strider who’s the real boss around here. You say Strider? He says that’s the name of that spoiled Prince. You say gotcha and hang up.

Right, Strider. You remember now. That was the name of one of the old Derse leaders from Texas. You skewered the motherfucker like a kabob years ago. If Strider hadn’t been so hung up over those kids with him that fight would have been much more entertaining. What was he, their dad, or brother maybe? Sex parasites always come in litters. The two brats weren’t even worth killing then, hell the little one went down in half a second. And now the other one, the coward that tucked tail and ran is calling himself the Prince of Derse when Snowman is still in charge.  Snowman is one of the only demon dames worth shit these days. These little upstarts nowadays are just disgraceful.

There is one problem here. Let’s just say your way of fighting is a little “unconventional” with “enhancements” that some might consider “illegal” or even “demonic”. Personally you are more than willing to use power even if it is from a pact with a demon. Their freakish abilities are all demons are good for anyway. Unfortunately, all those stuffy Prospit committees disagree. Fuck all these hoops you have to jump through, but if the fact of your demonic other form got out things would get… inconvenient. What is the littler Strider brat doing way out here in the first place?

Your head says it’s just coincidental, even if those punks are some of the few to see your demonic form and live to tell the tale, it’s not like you were recognizable. That form isn’t spitting distance from human. But your gut says that maybe the kid’s figured something out and you haven’t lived this long by ignoring your instincts.  If you are going to rehaul this pussy ass guild system into the demon-killing empire it’s meant to be, you want to do it on your own terms without worrying about some gossipy demon. Best to settle things with that kid early, piss off that Prince brother of his, maybe pick off some of Egbert’s brats and blame it on the demons… ah, the sweet smell of plotting in the morning.

Time to get to the war-mongering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every time i write noir i feel like i need a shower. ew. stop being an asshole to jade and stop making me write you doing it yikes  
> Chapter Posted 4/3/16


	18. XVIII

**XVIII.**

**Jake: Wake. === >**

You would rather stay asleep thank you very much! Your head is pounding like a legion of particularly heavy stepping angels marching into battle against the shrillest of screeching hellhounds. Or something of the like. What you’re trying to say is that you are really hungover. Your mouth tastes like the wrong end of a swine and your whole body aches. Arg, why did you drink so much in the first place? You remember feeling mighty guilty about something, and real conflicted, so you decided to have a few drinks… now it feels like someone knocked you over the head with a crowbar.

You scrunch your eyes, groaning loudly. The fact that you’re in a bed right now means that Jane probably brought you home, oh you owe that lass another apology now! Blinking your eyes open you see some posters of bands you’ve never heard of and a messy computer desk. Wait. This isn’t your room! By golly have you spent the night with… someone in a sexual manner?! Oh Jane is going to have your head for this.

“Good morning. It is getting late but, I think it is still before noon thus qualifying it as morning.” The proper sounding, British-accented voice belongs to a woman you hadn’t noticed at first. And what a beauty she is! Her tall, slender figure looked straight out of one of those fashion magazines with the strange clothes. Her skin is dark and short ebony hair even darker, and she was sewing what looked like a t-shirt draped over her knees.

“And top of the morning to you good lady!” You say, trying not to sound nervous. You are laying on your side facing her but felt too sore to move yet. How had you bagged such a ravishing specimen last night in your drunken condition? Oh your head is throbbing and your stomach so sore you can barely think. “I hope I haven’t been too much of a bother. Forgive me. What a brute I am, passing out after what I’m sure was a, uh, spectacular evening!”

The woman raises her perfectly shaped eyebrows and blinks. “Oh, excuse me, I think you may have, confused yourself-”

“Oh dear, was I that- er.” You sit up, and realize why your shoulders are so sore. Your wrists are fastened securely behind your back. Your brain short circuits for a moment.  “Egads! I, uh! I see things got a little _adventurous_ here! Holy fucking frig…” You flounder for words that could possibly make you look any less the fool right then. “I… don’t usually do this kind of stuff! I’m sorry for the trouble, don’t look at me like that, I’m sure I was absolutely awful! I’m new in this area! Forgive me!”

“Please. Stop talking. You’ve misunderstood. Everything.” The woman has her face in her hands.

“What am I missing here?” You don’t think you’ve ever been more embarrassed in your life! What on earth had you done to cause the lady to be so distressed? Oh no… had you put her in a compromising position while you were out of your wits??? Even if truth be told _you_ were the one in the, ahem, compromising position at the moment… still!

“I deduce you think we were, engaged in relations last night, when that was not the case, in the slightest. Don’t you remember anything? You don’t remember Dirk?”

You try to make your rusty noggin think clearly. You remember the bar, and walking down the street, and… stupid sunglasses!

“Good gravy! How did I forget! THAT BLASTED CRAVEN TOOK ME FOR A FOOL HE DID! BAST-” The woman springs forward to cover your mouth.

“Be quiet! There is quite the family altercation going down in the other room that I don’t particularly want to intrude on at the moment. Wait for them to finish please.”

“But that blaggart nabbed me while I had my wits down! He lied to me! And he used me for my…” You decide to not mention that part to the woman.

“I understand if you are upset but I have reasonable suspicion that others are even more so.”

“Who’s upset?”

The woman sat back down with a quiet exhale. “Rose and Roxy aren’t too happy with Dirk’s actions here. They think he was too reckless. If you aren’t aware they’re his, sisters basically. And I’m Kanaya, a… friend of the family.”

“Well I wish I could say it was good to meet you Kanaya, but under the circumstances I’ll refrain. Hm. But Dirk’s a demon, which means his sisters are too. Oh dear. And you are…?”

“Previously human. I’m a vampire now.”

“I see. So the two ladies are unhappy with him. Why did he take me in the first place? What are his intentions here?”

“I think he’s going to try to trade you for Dave.”

“Oh… golly.”      

“I suspect golly is the appropriate term.”

 

**Dirk: Regret your most recent decisions. === >**

Preposterous, every single one of your actions are thoroughly thought through and have zero base for regretting. Ok. Maybe you’re having some second thoughts about dragging an unconscious hunter to Dave’s apartment last night. It had seemed a good idea last night and you did have a line of logic supporting it. That is in fact what you are trying to explain to your sisters at the moment, but they're giving you approximately zero fucking chances to do so.

"--Stupid!! Holy fucking fuck Dirky how the hell did your big genius brain let you think this was a good idea? SERIOUSLY?! What were you trying to do here? Making sure we _really_ piss off people who have our baby bro? The people who might I remind you are a part of the Prospit guild! The largest guild of demon hunters in the country whose territory we are currently hiding out in? Huh? Do you _want_ to start another war like Dave said? Getting innocents caught in the crossfire!? Would that make you happy?"

"Rox, would you at least let me explain? I did actually have a train of thought behind this!"

"No, I get to be mad at you right now! Your impulsiveness just endangered what little family we have left! I know you think you always have things under control all the time but you don't Dirk! Ok? There are things you can't control! Like the people who have Dave, and you know that too and it freaks you out so much you pull something like this because you think it gives you control over the situation when it doesn’t! Ugh! I love you D-Stri, ok? I love you a shit ton. That's probably the only reason you aren't a pancake on the pavement for pulling the most selfish bit of baloney I’ve ever seen.”

"No, that award probably goes to getting on a plane to rescue Dave without us." Rose adds coldly.

"Right! That! I let you off the hook for that one but it’s up there. The shit with the hunter is just much higher as the most paradoxically self-centered and selfish things you've ever done. And it's just, you've been like this since Dave left."

"No I haven't." You say, finally managing to stand up for yourself instead of taking it like the piece of shit you are. Is this what Roxy’s really upset about here?

"You’re right! It's been like this since Mom and Bro died! You've been- like! Suffocating! You're trying so hard to be Bro that you’re smothering us and especially Dave! I haven't said anything because you needed support but now I'm worried about you Dirk. Dave’s who knows where in the hands of hunters, and I'm just really fucking scared." She finally seems to be losing the steam that had been building up for years apparently. She flops down onto the bed, sagging as if that had taken all the energy from her. Guilt stabbed at you as you knew she was right. Fuck you're so self-analytical that you _knew_ all the shit she was saying was true back when Dave left, but for some un-fucking-known reason you kept doing the same thing as if nothing needed to change. God you are pathetic. So fucking pathetic that you made your family cry over you before you were even dead.

"I'm sorry." You say softly, but just because Roxy is done didn't mean Rose was. You felt a bit of pride mingle with the pain you felt as she punched you hard in the jaw- and damn was that hard. You taught her well. Blood dribbles down your chin from where your lip was now split.

"You make a fair point there Rosey." You wipe at the blood with the back of your hand.

"Thank you. I've been told I can be extremely convincing, so I suggest that you try and let some of this sink in to your thick skull before we handle this next part, dear brother. _I’m_ going to rescue my girlfriend form that disaster of a hostage." Oh fuck that's right he’s probably awake by now.

“Fine. I’ll make it up to you and handle this. Shit will be so handled, you don’t even know. It will be alright.”

You really, really hope it will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jake: Kinkshame yourself===>  
> and kanaya doesnt deserve this heterosexual insinuation  
> Chapter posted 4/3/16


	19. XIX

**XIX.**

**John: Wake === >**

You are now once again John Egbert, and you're pretty sure Dave bit your hand last night when it hung off the bunk bed but honestly you're too tired to remember. You ask him and he grunts in the affirmative then says you should really wash your hands more.

"Psh! Excuse you I wash my hands sooo much. It's your fault for biting my hand in the first place jerk! Who does that?"

"Demons man. It’s a demon thing. Trying to devour your flesh in the night.”

“It’s not actually a demon thing is it.”

“No, it was all up in my grill. I thought it was a spider or your sister coming to kill me in the night or something. I had weird dreams last night."

"Jane wouldn't do that! She gave you food last night."

"Yes, but the question is will she give me food today."

"That is a good question. Let's find out! I smell cinnamon rolls so my bet is yes."

"Sweet, because I feel like I'm about to pass out."

"I can't tell if that's an over exaggeration, Jane’s seal, or demons just apparently needing infinite amounts of food."

"Well I haven't gotten laid in like days and that's my main source of energy so."

"Incubi seriously can't go three days without sex?"

"No that would be lame. Jane's seal just did a number me, and food doesn't fill us up like it does for humans. It’s like trying to live off of crackers."

"That sounds complicated and dumb."

"It's basically me saying I need a BJ or something stat." It's only-- what, ten in the morning and your face is already bright red. Nice job.

"Dave! I'm not having sex in a church." You splutter. "Let's just go uh, get food and see if you feel any better after that. "

"Kay." He's bracing himself to stand up, his face already twisting into a wince as he puts his foot down on the floor and... Blinks in surprise.

"Ma... It's a miracle!!!" He exclaims, jumping up, and beaming at you.

"Oh my stars! Little Timmy is walking again! It _is_ a miracle!!" You say, in a fake southern accent, as you beam hard.

"Your sister really knows her stuff, Jesus."

"She's simply the best there is! I'm glad you can walk again. I was getting tired of carrying your fat ass all over the place."

"You should feel honored to carry my hot ass all over the place thank you very much." Dave was still grinning as he tested how much weight he could put on his now healed leg. It was safe to say he was mobile by now, if not fully healed.

"So now that you're like. Walking and stuff does that mean we have to like tie you up or something? Since you're technically still a hostage."

"Nah if I try to bolt I'll get fried by the wards. Tried that once, not too eager to try again." He says as he tries to pat down his hair. His bed head isn’t nearly as bad as yours is and you’re kind of jealous. Why does Dave get to look messily tousled while you look like there’s a nuclear family of rats living on your head? So unfair.

"Yeah alright, just don't try to kill my family."

"I can manage that."

"Cool."

The two of you stumble into the kitchen and Dave is once again leaning on you, not because his leg hurts, but because he's laughing so hard that there are tears in his eyes.

"Are you serious? Holy shit."

"I know right! You should have seen the other guy's face it was so funny." The two of you are yuking it up as you enter the kitchen, where Jane is cooking furiously, a distinct tension in her shoulders.

"Uh, Jane? What’s up? You're stirring that icing like it just insulted your nana..." You say, after taking a moment to stop laughing.

"Jake hasn't come home yet." She replies curtly, and even though she wasn't facing you can tell she’s furrowing her brow.

"Wait what?! Where is he?"

"Maybe he spent the night with another demon." She muttered under her breath, before sighing and turning to face you finally. "I really don't know John. For him to disappear at a time like this... It's hardly a coincidence."

"Are you saying something happened to him?"

"It seems like the most likely scenario. Jade is on her way to bring Karkat and his mystery friend here so they can wait for this whole hullabloo to blow over, but in the meantime Jake hasn't answered my calls or texts."

"Don't worry Jane, it'll be ok... He's probably just super hung over or something!"

"Yes perhaps, but either way we wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't yelled at him last night."

"Hey, hey, there is no situation. Not yet. If someone did take him then they'll contact us and want a ransom or something, and we haven't heard anything from any kidnappers, so let’s just stay positive alright?"

"I suppose." Jane mumbles, deflated. Just then her phone gives a cheerful chime and she looks up, startled. You stare openly, and you can tell Dave is side-eyeing her pretty hard core right now.

“Who is it?” You finally ask, after several seconds of her staring at her phone in silence.

“Jake…”

“Really? That’s great!”

“Not quite. It appears Dave’s brother is contacting me through Jake’s phone.” Her skin had gone an ashen color and you quickly pull up a chair for her to sit down in.

“Holy fuck.” It’s Dave that speaks after you get Jane seated before she collapses. You turn to look at him and he’s pinching his nose in exasperation. “He fucking didn’t. Please tell me he didn’t. Tell me neither of them are stupid enough to allow this situation to literally transpire.”

“Apparently yes. They are.” Jane’s voice is shaky and you grab the phone from her to see what it says, but she waves you off, taking her phone back and texting up a storm. You sit back down next to Dave, glancing nervously at him.

 

**Jane: Read=== >**

GT: Hello. This is Dirk Strider and I believe we are even.

GT: Jake is with us, in case that wasn’t fucking obvious, and he’s safe for now.

GG: Ugh!! That complete and utter ninny!! I’m going to tan his hide next time I see him for being such a moron.

GG: And, I’m afraid I don’t see what the point in kidnapping my cousin was, other than making me unnecessarily mad, and teaching Jake a thing or two about drinking during hostage negotiations. Not to mention breaking our deal.

GT: Guess what, there’s a new deal now. Now we have a bargaining chip. Now I can be sure nothing bad will happen to Dave.

GG: Nothing was going to happen to him if you had stuck to our agreement.

GT: I had no way of knowing that. This just evens the playing field. What did you call Dave, insurance? That sounds about right.

GT: I really hope the irony isn’t lost to you here.

GG: The irony has been well established, thank you very much.

GG: Things have been in quite a kerfuffle ever since your brother showed up, and at this point, frankly, I would like him- and the rest of your lot- out of our family’s life as soon as possible, war or not.

GT: It seems we finally have something we agree on.

GG: Yes. It does.

GG: That said, shall we meet at the park on Lexington and 5th at a quarter to noon to exchange our respective family members and get this mess sorted out with as little loss of life as possible?

GT: How do I know you won’t have the entire park booby trapped, and slaughter us all when we arrive?

GT: Oh wait, I’m going to answer my own question.

GT: It’s because we have Jake. Just in case you were getting any ideas.

GG: And, funnily enough, I continue to have Dave. I hope you’ll take your own advice.

GG: Oh yes, demon? If there is a single scratch on my cousin when he returns I will make sure to do you just the same, except ten times worse.

GT: Same goes for Dave.

GG: Lovely. See you at a quarter till.

GT: No funny business Crocker.

GG: Funny is in my blood Strider.

 

**Jane: Be John=== >**

Jane finally puts the phone down and takes a long swig from her coffee cup.

“So?”

“It’s as I thought. Dave’s brother has Jake and he wants to switch.” She stares into the coffee for a moment before standing with a jolt, hands clenched around her mug. “Dammit. I never thought Jake would be this reckless. And for that Strider to take advantage of that fact despite everything is just…”

“Stupid?” Dave supplies.

“Well, yes. It was a risky move. But at the same time, _frustratingly_ smart. Only because I’m going to take his darned deal. He’s stealing my leverage and guaranteeing Dave’s well-being in one go, the conniving fox. We’re meeting at 11:45 at the Lexington park.”

“So soon?!” You squawk, eyes going wide and she simply nods.

“There won’t be time for Jade to return, but that’s for the best I think. She can get rather hot headed in situations like this so I’d rather she’d be with Karkat and his friend. I just have a bad feeling about this. It all seems too easy.” Growing up a hunter you know better than to not trust a gut feeling. They were always right. Especially Jane’s.

“I’ll clean the dishes if you want to go get ready John.” You sigh and run a hand through your hair, standing up as you do so. Dave pushes his empty bowl away and stands up, only wincing slightly.

He follows behind you as you make your way to the weapons room once more. Your old blue backpack is hanging from one of the hooks and you grab it and start filling it with stuff. Holy ink and water, guns, bandages, radios, bible, beef jerky, ammunition, sacred silver blades of varying sizes, amulets, charms, blessed incense, a change of clothes and a couple bottles of normal water just in case.

“If I didn’t just watch you put all that shit in there I wouldn’t believe it all fit into that ratty thing.”

“Don’t hate, this ratty thing is what got me through high school.” You retort, standing up and sliding a gun into your belt holster and a knife into your boot sheath. Dave is watching you disquietly and you try your best to reassure him with a smile.

“It’s just in case. Jane says she has a bad feeling, and you always trust a bad feeling.” You announce. You actually prefer to fight with your hammer, which you can summon at will, but it was never a bad idea to bring a gun along. He nods grimly and stuffs his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah I know, I just kinda forgot that you actually do this whole hunting and murdering thing for a living. I guess you have the capacity to be badass, but all I can think is that the dork who sucks at Mario kart now suddenly has a Glauk strapped to his belt.” You chew your lip and shrug. The awkward silence hands over the two of you lasts for what feels like ages until you finally shoulder your bag.

“Hunting isn’t all killing and fighting. Like I said, I mostly put up wards and do blessings and stuff.” You say and he just nods. You don’t need to have weird aura Incubus powers to know he’s upset. “Uh, hey Dave?”

“Yeah?” His voice sounds strained and you shrink back a little.

“I’m glad I didn’t kill you. I mean- ugh. I’m just glad I met you, even if this is all going to shit. I hope we can be friends when this is all over.” Wow you finally said it- now that he only has about an hour and a half left with you.

“Little late for that Egbert, you’ve already broken my leg and made out with me a bunch of times. If we weren’t friends before, we sure as hell are now.” You can see the corners of his mouth tugging upward once more.

“That’s true I guess. I just mean I wish we could have met under normal circumstances.”

“Nah, normal is for shmucks. It’s fine Egbert, ok? I have incredible no beef with you or your family. The only person I really have beef with is Noir and a lesser extent my brother, and that latter beef is so long past its shelf date it’s starting to stink up the place so maybe I should just get rid of it already.”

“Ok… But can we hang out after this?”

“Of course dude, I still gotta beat my Zelda file over at your place.”

“Haha yeah that’s right!” Both of you are grinning once more, the uncomfortable air cleared.

Jane is waiting for you at the doorway, car keys and her own backpack in hand.

“Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” You reply. Dave looks confused.

“Why are we leaving so early?”

“We have to set up barriers so normal people don’t walk in on us, and a bunch of other stuff. It’s mostly just precaution.” You explain, and Jane looks annoyed.

“None of those barriers are like the ‘kill every demon within’ kind are they?” Dave asks.

“No, even if I could whip one of those up I have no intentions of fucking this up any further, endangering Jake, or starting a war.” And that’s that.

The car ride to the park is about twenty minutes from the church you were hiding out at. You’ve taken Bec to this park before with Jade. You’ve also exterminated a clan of pixies who were killing animals and leaving their entrails hanging from trees here. You don’t like to think of the later memory, so you push it aside. You and Jane set to work setting up the barriers and you give Dave your DS so he won’t be bored. By the time you are finished the park is lit up like a Christmas tree, that is to those who can see magic. To those who can’t it just looks like the park is closed and under heavy construction. Not that there are many people around anyway. Spring is coming slow this year and it’s beginning to rain. You grin with satisfaction and Jane wipes some mud from her hands with a handkerchief.

“What now?” You ask.

“We wait.” She replies simply, sitting down underneath a large oak tree and while her body language is relaxed, her eyes are sharp, scanning fervently. That’s when you realize she has chosen the top of a hill for a reason; you could see the entire park below. No one could sneak up on you here. You feel a little stupid for not thinking of that yourself. There’s a reason why she’s always in charge.

You take a seat next to Dave and doesn’t looking up from the dual screens of your game.

“You done getting your Quidditch world cup on?”

“Yep! Everything should go fine. All the magic tricks are in place.”

“Sweet, do you guys have to hold a gun to my head for effect?”

“I think that would give them the wrong idea.”

“Probably. Although you probably want to anyways just because that’s what they do in the movies.”

“Haha that’s true! It sets the mood. Too bad we missed our chance to send them a ransom note. I wanted to cut out the letters out from magazines and leave it under their door a lock of your hair so they know we mean business. We could’ve demanded a million dollars for your safe return!”

“Only a million? Come on I’m worth more than that.”

“Psh yeah okay Julius Caesar. We would’ve ransomed you for exactly four hundred and thirteen million dollars, plus gas money.”

“Now we’re talking. I refused to be sold for anything but a gargantuan and incredibly specific amount of cash. The real loss here is that Dirk never did the Taken schtick.” Dave pitches his voice down low, “I don’t have four hundred and thirteen million dollars plus gas money in ransom. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career of being a douchebag. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my bro go now, that'll probably still not be the end of it because I never fucking let things go. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will stab you with swords.”

You both laugh at that for a while, even Jane smiles. “Jesus do you have his speech memorized?” you ask.

“Of course, just in case anyone I know ever gets kidnapped. Dirk is clearly less prepared for these things than I am.”

“That’s true.”

Peering over Dave’s shoulder to see what he’s playing. To your surprise he’s actually playing nintendogs, scribbling at the cartoon dog with the stylus furiously as he tries to wash all the shampoo off of it. You laugh at him and he nudges you with his sharp elbows.

“Dude don’t hate on Trogdor the Burninator. I gotta make sure he’s squeaky clean for the next competition.”

“No hate, none at all! It’s just funny because usually Jade is the only one who plays that game.”

"Well then you’re all fucking missing out.” He smirks one of his cool guy Dave smirks. Even though he’s still a little tense you don’t think Dave is too awfully worried which is good. You just really hope this all ends up well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes its gonna go perfectly dont even worry  
> Chapter posted 4/5/16  
> this is just an aside that doesnt really matter but just wanted to say, i already know big parts of how this thing will end (i being esthete, i cant speak for quietbun though im sure theyll also destroy us). that being said, however homestuck ends it will definitely influence specifics of things. idk just at the end if youre like esthete did you get the idea to do this from the comic?? the answer will be some things yes and some things no and ill tell you which afterwards  
> anyway hope yall are doing well this fine tuesday


	20. XX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter but shit is officially Taking Place

**XX.**

**Dirk: Pace === > **

You are not pacing. You’re just choosing to walk back and forth in a repetitive motion. It’s different. It helps you think and not check the time every four seconds. You, Rose, Roxy, Kanaya, and a handcuffed Jake are standing outside the silver rental car. Jake is sporting a pair of Roxy’s fuzzy pink sex handcuffs (she packed them?) that you had beefed up to be actual handcuffs. He rattles them with disdain. You’re parked on the street next to a large hilly park that appears to be under a shit ton of construction. It’s also shimmering gaudily with magic. If your hunch wasn’t enough, Rose, who’s always been the best with magic, confirms it in a second. This has to be the place. The weather today is absolutely abysmal, thunderheads gathering above head already sprinkling softly. All three of the girls sport umbrellas, but you are too busy pacing and Jake refused the offer of Rose’s lacy umbrella.

“So what’s the plan buckaroo?” Jake asks sarcastically, and you shoot him a look that says you really regret not duct taping his mouth shut.

“We go in and hope your cousin values your life enough not to murder us all where we stand.” The waiting is killing you. Why did you have to get here so early?

“Lovely, our chances of that are about as shit fucked as this weather.” He mutters and you snort. Good to know you aren’t the only one who was uncertain about Crocker’s willingness to forgive Jake. Or you for that matter, but you never expected her to do that.

 “Well then what are we waiting for?! My feet are getting soggy just standin’ here.” Roxy snips. She’s almost as antsy as you are.

“We’re not supposed to meet for another ten minutes.”

“They’re clearly already there, judging by their Quidditch world cup setup. Let’s just go do some human trafficking before the lightning strikes.” Roxy states, striding forward in rain-soaked Chucks. The rest of you follow after her into the barriers- an obvious hunter setup. A good one too; Crocker knows her stuff. Your skin rises into goose bumps as you pass through it and a shiver runs down your spine. You already don’t like this. Of course the fucking magical barriers don’t keep out the rain, and you can see the image flickering softly when you look up, and it only makes your headache that much worse. Compared to Roxy and especially Rose you aren’t much for spells and shit but even to you the amount of magic in this place is stifling.

“You’re early.” Comes the cool crisp voice of Jane Crocker, cutting through the gloom of the empty park. You see her, the kid who must be John, and Dave standing at the top of a hill. Dave has his hands in the pockets of too-big sweatpants, staring shadeless and stubborn at the ground. To your incriminating eye you can tell he’s favoring a leg, tired and a little battered but okay. You exhale but remain just as tense. This thing wasn’t going to be over until everyone was safe back home in Texas and you’d given Dave the talking-to of a _lifetime_. Crocker has her hands clenched around a wicked red trident that you can feel the blessings radiating off of.

“So are you.”

“We had to make sure no civilians interfere.” She says loftily- or maybe that’s just her being physically lofted above you. Either way you don’t like the way she’s speaking down to you, literally or metaphorically.  

“Send Dave down.”

“No. You send Jake up.” She can certainly see the massive black eye he’s sporting even from all the way up there. Crocker’s hopefully smart enough to know you hadn’t laid a hand on him since you’d talked, not while she has your brother.

You grit your teeth. “Fine, since we’re never going to get anywhere like this, Kanaya will bring Jake up to you, and John will bring Dave down to us at the same time. Then they come back nice and easy.” She narrows her eyes behind red frames but nods. John glances at Dave, who shrugs and starts making his way down the hill. John almost slips trying to follow him.

Kanaya’s heels stab into the wet earth as she places a delicate hand on Jake’s shoulder and walks him up. She gives Dave a nod as she walks past him and he waves his hand in return. When he’s close enough Roxy practically tackles Dave, running forward and pulling him into a bone crushing hug. He gives Rose a fist bump, but all you get is a blank look. Like he has the right to be mad at you when _you’re_ the one that flew across the goddamn country to save his ass. You’re fighting back the urge whack him on the head when Dave turns to John and pulls the kid into a short kiss, fingers tangling in his collar. You make a choked noise and Roxy whoops. For the love of- the little shit is just doing this to piss you off. At least Dave’s in good enough shape to have all this sass left in him. Still. He’s so paying for this later.

John is crimson as Dave pulls away, the hunter shrinking under your death glare and retreating back up the hill where Crocker is waiting for Jake to be uncuffed. You’re fairly certain no one will attack Kanaya, but your fingers itch for your sword just in case. The handcuffs come undone with a soft click to your sensitive ears of and Kanaya gave Jake a graceful nod before she turned around and picked her way down from the slope.

It’s silent after that, all except for Roxy nervously fretting over Dave, who assures her ten times over that he is fine and to chill out. You’d like to determine his supposed “fine-ness” for yourself but keep your eyes on Crocker.

“We good?” You ask, your voice carrying on the wind.

“Yes. You’re free to return to whatever hole from hell you crawled out of. Leave my city. Now.” At least she isn’t pretending to be polite anymore. You nod curly, hand going for Dave’s arm, but he side steps away from your touch and you suppress a sigh. All you want now is to make sure your brother is okay, take a hot shower, and then never let him out of your sight for the rest of his natural life. Nothing like this will _ever_ happen again.

You barely get ten feet before your face smacks into what feels like an invisible wall. You know what it is instantly, rounding on Jane with fury.

“CROCKER! We had a fucking deal!”

“Devil’s trap…” Jane gasps, blue eyes going wide. Dave freezes up like a statue. Rose and Roxy search for any breaks in the circle for a few seconds, but it’s no use. All of you walked right into their goddamn trap. Literally walked into it. Why didn’t you see this coming? You punch at the unseen wall with rage and your knuckles crack and burn painfully on it. “Fuck.” You mutter under your breath, but the pain in your hand doesn’t hold your attention for long because you hear John’s shocked yelp and jerk your head up to see what it is.

Three men are suddenly standing between the two groups, and your heart goes cold. You recognize the middle one as the leader of Prospit, and the two goons behind him must his lackeys. Noir. This is his doing. Magic is so thick in the air from all the wards that nobody had noticed the devil trap _or_ whatever spell the bastards were using to hide. Fuck. Had Crocker tipped them off about your location? You consider this for only a moment because Jane’s aura is just as shocked as you are.

“My, my, my. You kids have been getting into a whole hell of a lot of trouble recently, haven’t you?” He says, white teeth revealed by a cruel smile. Fuck fuck fuck. This guy is bad news. What is he even doing here? You instinctively push in front of the others.

“Noir.” You spit. “Let them go. Now.”

“Aw, you trying to play hero, little prince?” He pulls out a knife and your courage wavers the slightest bit. “Droog, get that lying lot over here. I think the prince here could use a lesson in how to deal with traitors.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> noir appears nonetheless  
> we hit 300 kudos last chapter! i dont know if thats considered a lot but im excited. you guys are the best!  
> Chapter posted: 4/7/16


	21. XXI

**XXI.**

**Dirk: Be Dave=== >**

Your name is Dave Strider and you can't believe this is happening. You thought it was over. You thought you were going to get dragged back to Texas by your family, get yelled at, finally make peace with Dirk, and maybe you four could take out Noir once and for all. You want to move to Seattle for real, work for the Veil, bother Terezi and Karkat, and hang out with John as friends... maybe even more.

You thought you were safe. You were wrong. None of you were safe, would ever be safe as long as Noir was around. It's the first time since that day you're face to face with the bastard himself, and he isn't even _looking_ at you.

The lackey you guess is Droog saunters up the hill like he's taking a morning stroll, but with a shotgun. For a second you think they might fight; Jake isn't armed and John hasn't moved but Jane still has her trident. The thought barely crosses your mind when a squat man appears suddenly behind John, Jane, and Jake with probably the same cloaking spell the others used. He already has two handguns on them. After a few seconds Jane drops her trident, stone-faced.

"Alright hands up, let's walk nice and slow over to the boss, didn't you hear him?" They make their way down the hill, arms raised. It seems to take hours with how your mind is racing. Dirk is still in front of you and you realize Roxy's still got a stubborn hold on your arm. Rose and Kanaya are to your left nearest the edge of the circle. How did they get dragged into this anyway? What is Noir even doing here, what is he after? Is this about you, or Dirk, or John, or Prospit and Derse, or does it even _matter_ at this point? What you do know is: it’s all your fault. If only you hadn't let your guard down when you fought John, if only you had told your family about Noir the moment you had a real lead instead of trying to find him by yourself. If only you had never left Texas in the first place.

You tighten your hands into fists. If this is your fault, _you_ have to figure out a way to fix this. Enough people had been hurt over your ass.

"What do you want, Jack? How did you even know about this?" says Jane when they arrive, voice tight but only borderline aggressive. John stares at the ground looking like he's going to throw up while Jake is just pissed off.

Noir chews at a cigarette that has to be dying out quick in the sprinkling rain. "Wouldn’t you know it, phones are easy to hack when someone’s already broken the lock. Wonder who we have to thank for that? As for what I want, the question really is what _you_ want. Wouldja rather die now, or go through an official trial and be executed then? Personally I'd go for the quick and dirty. Dragging these things out is always such a chore."

"Trial? Execution? And what in blue blazes have we done to warrant that?" Demands Jake.

"I really gotta spell it out for ya? Thought you kids were smarter than that. For harboring that parasite over there a’course." Noir jerks a thumb at you. You try not to blink. "Taking in a demon- a rouge no less- that's quite the crime."

"We only kept him because they had Jake," Jane counters. "It was a hostage situation. That's not illegal."

He tips his head at Jake. "Oh I know all about that. Getting drunk at a time like this, your ol' granny would be ashamed, English. But we both know this whole thing started _way_ before he got his ass nabbed. Even before your daring little escape into the river. And that’s not even to mention the werewolf." He paused. "Johnny boy, since you started all this, wanna explain why you picked up that faggoty stray in the first place? I'm just curious as to why you didn't kill it on the spot."

John shrinks. His hands are shaking. "I- I- uh, I just-"

You are so focused on John that all you notice is a blur in your peripheral and a mechanical roar. Noir's big goon stumbles back a few steps, bleeding from the forearms of his black suit; their boss didn't even flinch. The short one still has his guns on Jane and Jake.

"It appears," says Kanaya, standing between you and the hunters, chainsaw casually in hand, "that devil's traps do not affect vampires. How convenient."

For half a second you're hopeful. Even trapped your family and Kanaya outnumber Noir and his goons. If she could just distract them long enough to break the devil’s trap, if John could get away, if Jane and Jake don’t turn on you... maybe you could win this. That’s probably what the others, at the very least Kanaya, are thinking.

But they don’t know what you know. That plan would never work. Noir isn’t an ordinary hunter. None of you are ready for him. All of you together might not be a match; one vampire can’t take Noir on alone.

Gunshots pop loudly- the two had recovered- but Kanaya dodges like lightning. She dives between them straight at Noir.

“Don’t!” You blurt, but it’s too late. Kanaya doesn’t take two steps before she jerks to a halt. Her chainsaw clunks to the ground and transforms back into lipstick. A thick blade is jutting an inch out of her back.

A black and faintly acid green streak is all you had even seen of Noir’s movement. He yanks the knife out of Kanaya's stomach with his lip sneering in disgust at her jade-colored vampire's blood. Kanaya is the most graceful person you know so you're surprised by how abruptly she slaps into the mud, almost like she was pushed.

"KANAYA!" Rose's scream brings you back to your senses. Roxy lets go of you and grabs her around her middle. Uncaring Rose draws her wands and points them at Noir but the blindingly white bolts of magic sputter uselessly against the invisible bubble of the devil's trap.

"You _bastard!_ Roxy let go of me!" Rose struggles uselessly against her sister's grip. You find yourself holding her back by the shoulder too, her skin hot and crackling like electricity. Your heart is pounding and all you can think is _I can't let them die._

 

 

* * *

**Bonus:**

**Meanwhile, in another timeline=== >**

"It appears," says Kanaya, standing between you and the hunters, chainsaw casually in hand, "that devil's traps do not affect vampires. How convenient."

At that moment Kanaya Maryam becomes, unquestionably, the sexiest being to exist in any known plane of existence at any known time. I mean she's wielding a goddamn chainsaw shit’s sake.

Everyone present becomes so violently aroused that they all have heart attacks, and die. It's later whispered that some sparkle of enlightenment could be seen in Rose's cooling eye- Truth you might call it, or God, or Nirvana, or maybe just new heights of being a lesbian. It will forever remain a mystery.

As for Kanaya even an immortal vampire body has its limits. It is simply impossible for any physical form to withstand that much sexiness. Kanaya's soul enters a new dimension of reality; ancient, ethereal, and capable of sustaining that level of hot-fucking _ -damn gurl _ .

 

"By the sweat of your face will you eat bread until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken. For you are sexy, and to sex you shall return.”

-Vriska Serket,  _ Vriska's Sexy Sex Tips for Having Sexy Sex _

**** THE MAIN CHARACTERS HAVE DIED****

GAME OVER

……………………………………………………………………………………………

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY AGAIN?

**> YES**

NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im honestly so sorry about that bonus bit i couldnt resist  
> can publically misquoting genesis 3:19 send you to hell? time to find out  
> Chapter posted: 4/9/16


	22. XXII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 4/13

_Although its scent still lingers on_

_the form of a flower has scattered away_

_For whom will the glory_

_of this world remain unchanged?_

_-_ The Iroha

**XXII.**

**Be Dave=== >**

"Jesus Strider, can't you keep your bloodsucking bitches under control?" Noir drawls. He takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes his wickedly long knife clean before dropping the stained cloth on Kanaya. You notice, distantly, that his left hand is made of metal.

"Noir. What do you want here." Dirk hadn't moved but his voice is so tight it’s shaking. Rose isn’t screaming anymore and her silence is even more chilling.

"Well before we was so _rudely_ interrupted, I was takin' care of some guild business. I'll deal with you in a moment." Noir spins his knife casually between his fingers and side-eyes John. "Now, as I was saying. It's seemin' to me like you took that spawn back to yer apartment and took _care_ of it. Am I off base, Egbert?"

John is paler than you've ever seen him. Hands in shaking fists, he doesn't take his eyes off Kanaya as he answers.

"N-No."

"Hm. I see." Noir flicks the damp cigarette it into the mud and takes a moment to adjust his black leather eyepatch. All you can hear is Rose's scattered breathing. If he wanted to, you think John could draw the gun in his waistband but he doesn't make a move to. You realize you don't want him to either. It doesn't matter that you know John should fight back. You _should_ be trying to figure out how to take down the devil's trap, how to unseal the sword from your chest, some sort of strategy to fight back and kill these fuckers. That's no doubt what Dirk's doing. Noir is right in front of you after all these years; you should fight. It's what Bro would want you to do.

But you can't. You can't make yourself strategize, or move. The green stain only bleeds larger on Kanaya's soaked dress and all you find yourself doing is desperately willing John to run. God you’re a coward. Rose is struggling against Roxy's grip; you grab her elbow to help and flinch. Your twin’s skin is crackling with some sort of energy. There’s something slippery and wrong in her aura but you don’t know if you can do anything.

"Your old man was a good hunter. One of the best,” Noir continues. “It kills me to see his kids stooping this low, it really does. Especially with shit like _this._ Just when Prospit needs good soldiers so badly." He pauses. "I shouldn't, but I think I'll give you a second chance, Johnny boy. Maybe you could even help Jane and English's cases too, who knows? My generous moods can be a bit mercurial." He draws a pistol from his jacket. "Boxcar. Bring it here." And he points the gun at the devil's trap.

It happens too quickly for you to think rationally, to realize what they’re doing. The biggest of Noir’s men saunters to the edge of the devil’s trap. Rose lunges at him, but you haven’t taken your eyes off of the boss. Your family is defenseless as fish in a barrel. When Noir’s trigger finger moves the slightest fraction you’re already pushing Rose and Roxy away from the hunter and out of the line of fire. Dirk dives down too but he’s further away. From how you fall you’re expecting the jarring shock of the devil’s trap on your back, maybe a bullet, you’re too close to the big hunter now, but neither come. There’s an iron-tight grip on your elbow that nearly yanks it out of the socket and a sharp shock. You see Roxy reaching for you, tearing the sleeve of your t-shirt before you hit the mud.

You’re outside of the trap. _That’s impossible_ , you have time to think, before instinct pushes your body to react. The hunter still has a hold on your elbow and you throw your weight down on it, pulling him off balance. Swinging a leg around you try to kick him in the jaw, miss, hit him in the neck. He loses his grip on you, you fall on your shoulder, rolling up, punching him in the stomach before you’re upright. You duck a punch and take a step back, wishing for your sword, for anything, as the hunter aims his handgun at your face. Dodging to the side you move in close again, grabbing his wrist and pointing the gun up. You try to break his elbow with a sharp strike but he twists, other hand clamping around your throat. A head tilt dodges your next punch, which he counters with a pistol-whip to your head so hard you see sparks.

Next thing you know you’re face down in the mud with a heavy knee on your back. Your right arm is twisted up behind you so hard it nearly dislocates.

Then you feel the barrel of a shotgun jammed into your neck. You freeze.

Someone screams your name but you can’t tell who with how your head is spinning. The hunter stands and drags you by your arm a few feet while you stumble along trying to keep your shoulder from popping out. When he throws you into the mud you land on your hands and knees. John’s sneakers are in front of you. The shotgun on the back of your head prevents you from looking up.

You never thought you’d miss the inside of a devil’s trap.

“DAVE!” This time you recognize Rose’s voice. There’s a strange, subtle echoing quality to her voice and the taint in her aura is even stronger now. A searing heat prickles at your back and black flashes at the edge of your vision but you can’t turn your head to see it. No one else seems to notice.

“He’s got nothing to fuckin’ do with this Noir! Let him go!” That was Dirk. You hear the metallic-electric sound of Dirk’s sword on the devil’s trap, then Noir’s short laugh.

“Right, right, I forgot this one is the reason you bastards left your nest in the first place. Did yous come all this way only to watch him die now? I think that’s about the worst thing I ever heard. How delightful.” Someone punches the trap again. “Oh quit yer banging. This thing’s state of the art; Deuce’s really outdone himself this time. A one-way devil’s trap that you can pull ‘em out of at your fancy? This is more fun than I thought it’d be.”

“Stop fucking with us you piece of _shit!_ ”

“Ey, shut it. Didn’t I say I was dealin’ with guild problems? ‘Nother word outta you and I’ll put a bullet in this thing just to keep things interesting.” Dirk is quiet. “Thought so. Boxcar, leave us be. I think this one will _behave_ for a moment.” The metal weight disappears from your neck. You grit your teeth in frustration but don’t move. A voice in your head that sounds suspiciously like Dirk is telling you to fuck it all and fight but a much louder one is saying that’s crazy, you’re unarmed, you saw what he did to Kanaya, to _Bro_. Blood is dripping from your forehead onto the back of your hand.

“That’s better. Here John,” you hear the click of a gun and see John’s shoes flinch, “I’ll make this real simple for you. If you really aren’t a traitor to humankind, prove it kill your little faggot right here.”

Muddy grass clenches between your fingers. John takes a step back.

“You want me to do _what?_ ” His voice pitches high.

“What are ya, deaf? Take this gun and shoot it. Do that and I’ll _consider_ not having all yous executed for treason. Not that there’s much you can do for the werewolf but that’s Jason’s problem now ain’t it?” You guess he means Jade. You hope she’s safe.

“Executed? We didn’t do anything wrong! Dave didn’t either! It was all me! I was the one who hurt him and _I’m_ the one who brought him to my apartment. I never meant to get my family mixed up with it either. Punish me if you want but let everyone else go! They’re innocent!”

Noir’s laugh is terrifying and infuriating at once. “Innocent? Haven’t you learned anything yet? All those laws are just shit made up by the damn bureaucrats ‘cause they’re afraid of a fight. Demons are guilty because they’re demons. If you help one you’re guilty too. Simple as that.”

“But… no, we hunt demons if they do bad things! Dave didn’t do anything bad and neither did we!”

“Oh Johnny boy, you're _killing_ me. Yer dear ol’ dad would turn in his grave if he heard you right now. Don’t tell me you let the little parasite get into your head? Are you a demon hunter or not?"

"No! I just... I don't think… we should kill people that didn't do anything."

"Did you miss that day in Kindergarten? They ain't people, Egbert. Demons are devilspawn who’re only good for target practice. Look at your little bitch here. It can't even stay alive unless it fucks around like a common whore. Just hearing verses or touching holy water fuck it up. You think something like that is a person?”

“I just...”

“Oh for fuck’s sake kid. Quit your bellyaching and do it. What’s your problem? Did you cozy up to the thing or something? I bet it tried real hard to get on your good side when its life was in your hands. Egbert’s kid would know better than to fall for that act right?”

John is quiet. You don’t know why it’s only then that you get mad. Noir’s mocking, sneering tone pisses you off more with every syllable. The things he was saying to John, what he was trying to make him _do_ … John wouldn’t kill you, would he?

Even if you can’t fight back you know you have to do something, anything. Breaking the devil’s trap would be ideal but you’d be dead before you got two feet. And there’s still that hot, unsettling energy pouring out of Rose’s aura like acrid fire. Maybe you can do something to calm her down? Your eyes wander past John’s muddy sneakers, to Noir’s dress shoes, until you realize Kanaya is only a few feet to your left. Surreptitiously as you can you glance at her. Her jade green blood soaks the whole front of her stomach.

But her chest is moving. The knife hadn’t been a silver or blessed one.

“I don’t got all-” Noir snaps but you interrupt him.

“Rose she’s alive!” You blurt, before a kick like a wrecking ball slams below your ribcage. If you cry out you don’t realize it. When you can think again you’re lying in the mud. Your side feels like it’s on fire. What the fuck, is there a knife in his shoe??

“Dave, Dave! Noir you fucker-!” Dirk yells.

“Shut _up_ . Didn’t I say to shut your trap? Demons got no manners. _Nobody_ interrupts me.”

You’re just trying to catch your breath when Noir yanks your head up by your hair. The knife he stabbed Kanaya with is under your chin, stinging where it slices you. Hot blood wets your hands where you hold your side.

“Alright, enough of this bullshit. Kill it. Now.”

“I- no! I can’t…” John trails off but you don’t want to look at him. Your eyes are on Noir. He’s grimacing his yellow teeth at you like he stepped in dog shit, his eyepatch blank and black eye scorching. You hate him more than you’ve hated anything in your life. Struggling gets you nowhere; you’re stuck between a knife and Noir’s fucking robot arm ripping your hair out. There has to be something, just one _fuck you_ to him before you die? Your mind races.

In the last few days you’ve almost died more times than you care to count. Only luck and John had saved you so far- maybe your good fortune had finally run out. To be honest your death warrant had probably been signed the moment John started hunting you. For some reason you are strangely calm about this being the end. What terrifies you the most is how you will die. You don’t want to die in front of your family, because of _Noir,_ useless and on your knees without putting a scratch on the bastard. The thought of John pulling the trigger makes you sick.

“No. I won’t do it.” John says finally. It’s the most confident you’ve heard him yet.

“Kill it or I’ll kill you.”

“No! You can’t make me do it Jack! I’m sick of killing things just because you say so!” It might just be the rain but you think John’s crying.

Noir doesn’t look at him. “Kill it or Janey dies.”

A roaring fills your ears. You can’t take this anymore. This has to stop. There’s only one thing you can think to do.

Your eyes scrunch shut. “He killed Bro!”

The blow you’re expecting doesn’t come. The knife digs into your neck, running blood down your throat and forcing your head back as he slowly releases your hair. Noir’s sneer freezes in place but you can see in his single black eye he’s furious.

“…What was that, scum?”

Though you’re talking to your sisters and Dirk you don’t look away. “I came here looking for the one responsible. I found him.”

“But that dog demon was-” Dirk starts but you interrupt.

“It’s him. I still don’t know about Mom, or why he looks human. But it was Noir that day, I’m sure.” And you are sure. Terezi gathered that info herself so it’s all but bulletproof but even without it, this close you can tell. The monster that killed Bro and nearly killed you was canine, black-furred, and glowed electric green. But Noir’s speed, his scent, his eye but mostly his terrible black _aura_ \- they were all the same. You are betting your life on it.

Noir’s eye twitches. “Little bastard. You need to learn to keep that mouth of yours _shut_.” He speaks slowly, dragging the blade deliberately yet shallowly across your neck as he does. You inhale sharply but don’t break eye contact. Any second you’re expecting him to slit your throat. But he doesn’t. Instead, after a few seconds, Noir grins a twisted, evil grin.

“Actually, I change my mind. This is perfect; I think these kids need a good lesson in trusting devils. While you’re feeling so talkative, little demon, why don’t you tell everyone the name of the bitch that spawned you? Something tells me you haven’t mentioned it.”

If you were smart you would have seen what he was doing and not answered. But “smart” has always been Dirk and Roxy and Rose’s thing. They could think their way out of anything and trick their way out of everything else. Not you.

“Her name was Lalonde,” you spit. John flinches, lowering his gun. You glance at him but he’s staring in disbelief at Noir.

“But… but she’s the one who…”

“Murdered your old man? You betcha.” He barks a laugh. “The whole thing’s really just goddamn poetic. That bitch seduced your dad, did I ever tell you kids that part? He trusted her. He thought it proved maybe things could be different between hunters and demons. Then the moment Egbert lowered his guard she stabbed him in the back. So yeah, I offed the damn jezebel. Ain’t barely a secret. I only wish I’d done it sooner.” Noir gestures flippantly with his free hand. “And now here we are, not a decade later, with Egbert’s kid about to follow in his footsteps a little _too_ closely. Guess some things jus’ run in the family huh? But to think you would get tricked by the bitch’s _kid_ of all people. I’m not one for that fate bullshit but damn, does this come close.”

 

**Be John=== >**

You are now John Egbert, and you feel like a sizable novel has just been dropped on top of you. You had no reason to ever think… Dave’s _mom_ was the demon who… But it’s possible, isn’t it? He’s a demon, and he said the name himself.

“But… Dave… you didn’t… It wasn’t really your mom was it? Why did she do that?” You can’t keep the tremor out of your voice.

“Ask Noir why. He’s the one that killed them for no reason!” Dave spits, he’s glaring at Jack. Your vision is foggy from the rain on your glasses but you see the hate burning in Dave’s red eyes all the same. He looks… like a demon.

“So you’re just going to die the same way your pop did? Trusting demons over your own kind? I know all about that Strider but I didn’t kill him. No one knows who done that. Tell me, did your dirty stray ever try to explain how I supposedly killed them both within half an hour of each other when they were thousands of miles apart? So what am I now, a teleporter? Or did he brush over that with pretty words just like he did the real reason his old lady got killed? That the demons struck first?”

“He’s lying! He killed Bro, I was there, I know it was him!” Dave screams.

“Noir.” Growls Dave’s brother, holding his sword so tight he’s shaking. “If he dies, I will destroy you. All of Prospit. All your goons. It will be war, and you’ll wish for death by the time I’m through.”

“War? Sounds fun. All the more reason to shoot it, John.” Jack pushes the barrel of your gun back at Dave’s head, from where you’d let it drop slightly. You feel nauseous, staring down the barrel at him. Dave, who _is_ a demon, and you _are_ a demon hunter. But he’s also your friend. He’s also the guy that ate all your cereal and is way too good at Mario Kart. He’s also the guy who stuck his neck out to prevent fighting between Derse and Prospit. The war that Jack is _welcoming._ Even if… even if his mom did kill Dad, you can’t blame Dave for that. He didn’t do anything and neither did the other demons in the trap.

“N-no.” You shouldn’t trust Dave over Jack, you know that. Jane is always telling you to be more skeptical, to think before you act. Besides the fact that Dave is a demon, you’ve only known him for a few days. But he didn’t want to go to war or threaten your family. When you turn the gun in your hand from Dave to Jack, it’s not because of who you do or do not trust. It’s because what you believe in, the most important lesson your dad ever taught you.

“What was that you ungrateful little shit?” Noir growls, lip curling up in disgust.

“I said no! My Dad taught me to never hurt an innocent person. So I won’t kill him, I won’t kill any of them, no matter what you say!” You shout back. You would probably be taken a little more seriously if you could stop crying. They can’t all be winners.

“Innocent?” Noir’s bark of laughter is mirthless and cold. “You call that piece of filth is innocent?! A demon? When his ma ganked your old man?” He shakes his head in disappointment. “I gave you a chance since you were Egbert’s kid, but looks like I’m gonna have to do this myself.” He takes a step forward and you pull the trigger. There’s no way you can miss, Jack is only a few steps away from you, but the crack of the gun is drowned out by a tearing sound. A blinding green flash leaves nothing but a scorch mark in the grass where Jack had been standing. You blink spots out of your eyes, and when you do you see him not far from where Dave’s family is trapped.

“You really shouldn’t have done that, kid…” He growls.

Suddenly there’s a roar of an engine, close. Everyone freezes. Your head snaps in the sound’s direction.

A brown van is tearing through the mud straight at you. Terezi the Drakaina girl is driving. Hanging half out of the window is Karkat, rifle in hand.

“ANYONE CALL THE ASSHOLE SQUAD??”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> terezi please hit noir with the van. seriously, i hate the transphobic crap he makes me write.  
> anyway, congrats on surviving homestuck! try to be at peace with the end no matter how you feel about its execution. after all now theres no rules and the skys the limit for us fans now.  
> 


	23. XXIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that took a month, sorry.

**XXIII.**

**John: Be Dave=== >**

“Karkat? TZ?” you say dumbly while you stumble to your feet. Karkat fires and there’s a flash of light as the bubble of the devil’s trap shatters like glass.

Terezi swerves at Noir but he cracks away with another flash. The van screeches to a halt inches in front of you. Inside the already open side door is a huge, white, and familiar wolf clutching something metal in her jaws. Jade jumps out and lobs it high, the smoke bomb going off in the air. In an instant you can’t see more than an arm’s length in front of you but you know where to go. Kanaya is already in Rose’s gray-pale arms. Your twin’s eyes are completely black and the blasting force of her aura is stifling. Fuck, so that’s what’s happening. Rose can’t go Grimdark, not now. Without hesitation you grab them both and all but throw them into the open door of the van.

“Terezi! Get them out of here!” Gunshots pop on the other side of the van. Terezi is already screeching away.

“Everyone scatter!” Dirk yells. Someone grabs your sleeve. It’s John.

“Dave, I-” The smoke clouds his face but you can see his eyes and feel his aura. He’s scared, confused, angry- but there’s no time.

“Later! Go!” You push him away and run as hard as you can in the opposite direction. The smoke falls away soon enough, a few gunshots going off behind you. Roxy is to your left but you don’t follow. If you give them a bigger target you’ll just get shot. For now all you can do is run away like a fucking coward. Blood welds between your fingers as you clutch your side, and the incessant pounding of your leg reminds you that you’re in no shape to outrun anybody. You’ll have to find somewhere to hide, maybe get deeper into the city. On the way over you remember seeing a bike tunnel that goes under the road; it’s as good a place as any to head.

A flash of white and a growl is all the warning you get before you’re shoved suddenly off the ground. Jade pushes under your legs and flings you onto her back. You grip her fur for dear life.

**Dave: Ride=== >**

“Jade?! Wha-”

She barks at you.

“Right, later. Go this way.” You quickly discover that riding a motorcycle is not at all like riding a fucking werewolf, but you try to steer her towards the bike tunnel anyway. The hills and trees fly by. If any random humans see a bloody dude riding a fucking monstrous wolf out of a construction zone you sincerely hope they won’t make a fuss about it. Jade gets you to the bike tunnel in no time. It’s fairly long and seems empty and that’s good enough for you right now.

You drop off of Jade’s back as she skids to a stop near the center of it. “Why’d you grab me of all people?” Is the first thing out of your mouth.

The wolf blinks at you, then transforms back into Jade. If you weren’t already in all hells of shock you would probably freak out more about how weird it looks, but you are so it’s whatever. After a few seconds human Jade is standing there, naked again but this time with an elastic strap holding a bundle of cloth around her upper arm. God you hope it’s clothes. You look away from her, holding your throbbing temple as you lean heavily against the wall.

“You were the first one I could find. Blood reeks, you know, and you were going too slow. What the fuck happened back there? I smelled vampire’s blood, and was that Noir? Why do you have the shit beat out of you? You guys disappeared without telling me anything!”

“So you decide to assemble the Asshole Squad to come to the rescue?” Fuck you hurt. Can’t a guy catch a break? “Not that you didn’t save our asses but, how the _fuck_ did you know about this? How did Terezi get involved? And the most pressing question of all, who’s idea was it to let the blind chick _drive_?”  

“Hey, Karkat had to shoot! And she smell-sees or some dragon thing like that.”

“Just saying, TZ’s a terrible driver and I don’t think the reason is even that she can’t see. Why the fuck can she smell-drive but not smell-aim-a-rifle?”

“Dave that is a very good question but not really the most important one right now! What the heck happened with you guys? Also, I’m dressed so you can look now.” She was in a t-shirt and skirt but no shoes.

“Long story short, my brother kidnapped Jake to trade for me I guess? And he did, but Noir found out about it because of phone hacks. He had a devil’s trap rigged in advance.”

“What?! Why did he do that if you guys had it settled already?”

“Because he’s a war-mongering asshole is why. And side note, he’s trying to kill all you hunters too now. You specifically because you’re a werewolf, but now _also_ because John tried to shoot him for being a crazy son of a bitch.”

“Oh geez. This is worse than I thought.”

“Tell me about it. Okay, my turn for lightning round question. How did you know where we were? Did Jane tell you?”

“No, that was all Terezi. She knew when someone started casting all of those spells on the park, and I thought it was probably you guys so we rushed over. Not that Terezi would tell me or Karkat _how_ she knew . I think it’s a dragon demon thing, or she has spies, or something! It’s a little creepy actually.”

“Tell me about it. I am neck deep in conniving ladies all up and Seeing shit. The world is naught but their goddamn peep show.”

“Hehe, seems like it. But Karkat trusts her, and apparently she knows you?”

“Yeah we tight. We can trust her if she’s decided to help us out. TZ’s not the kind of gal to sell anyone out who doesn’t deserve it.”

“I sure hope so! Anyway we should probably move. That doesn’t look like it feels too good.”

You pull your hand away to see if your side is still bleeding and yep, still going strong. Why the fuck is a kick bleeding so much? “It don’t tickle. Where the fuck can we even go? Noir probably knows about the creepy gothic safehouse by now, and I gotta find my sibs and Kanaya. Who knows what kind of shit they’re in. Don’t you want to find your fam too?”

“Duh! But you’re in no shape to go off looking for anyone and I’m not leaving you to bleed to death! You need medical treatment and my wonderful boyfriend just _happens_ to be a nurse. We should go back to Terezi’s place. It’s safe so that’s where Asshole Squad is going to rendezvous. Karkat is bringing the vampire and the demon girl there too. Who are they, anyway?”

“My sister and her girlfriend. Noir fucking kebabed her. If they’ll be there then fine, we’ll go to Terezi’s demon triage apartment I guess. But first, I gotta ask. Why Asshole Squad?”

“Because it is a team assembled to save you assholes! Karkat named it.”

“Figures.” You let out a breath that is totally not agonizing and lean against the wall of the tunnel, clutching at your side. At least Noit didn’t kick your bullet graze. It’s the little things. Jade smacks your hands away, and then yanks up your once again ruined shirt to inspect the damage. And by inspect the damage you mean sniff it, of course. What else would she do?

“Shit. He must have had like a knife in his shoe! This looks deep. At least it’s not poisoned.”

“He had a what in his where? Who the fuck does that?”

“Noir apparently, but I’m not really surprised. Jack could pull a knife out of his ass and it would still be normal for him.”

“Knives for days huh?”

“Literal days Dave. Now uh, you have to take off your shirt!”

“How forward of you. First I ride you, now this?”

“Now is _totally_ not the time. Take off your shirt and let me use it to make you a bandage or you’ll bleed out.”

“Harsh but fair, werewolf girl. You drive a hard bargain.” You strip off the remaining shreds of your shirt, and dignity, and hand them both to Jade, holding your arms up like a fucking little kid who needs help getting into his PJ’s, except in this case the PJ’s are a pressure wrap that is tighter than Christopher Columbus's bleached asshole.

From there Jade scoops you up easily in princess style and you don’t even struggle, because fuck it. You’ve already made it this far into this fucked up Grimm’s brothers fairy tail, might as well go full Princess Peach on this shit. You are the damsel, except instead being perpetually held hostage in castles you never stop having debilitating injuries. On second thought, you _have_ been held hostage a whole lot lately. Ugh.

What you are saying here is, Jade is your shredded furry Japanese plumber, and pride is for bitches.

 

**Dave: Be Lady Werewolf Mario=== >**

“Jesus. Get the fuck inside, holy shit.” By the time you get to Terezi’s place Dave has bled through the shirt. Karkat answers the door wearing a cartoony set of scrubs that means he came from work. Emergency surgery on a couch is a little more extreme than his day job as a children’s nurse, but that’s just another reason your boyfriend is so awesome.

“Put him on the couch, the bed’s already taken so fuck it I might as well sacrifice Terezi’s tacky pleather couch too! It’s not like I’ve sat on it since I caught Sollux and Aradia having sex on it, so what’s one more blood stain to add to the beautiful slurry of bodily fluid taint? Jade, tell me you’re in better shape than this douchemuffin or someone is going to catch these blood-soaked hands.” He rambles, pulling on a pair of latex gloves as you set Dave down.

“I’m fine Karkat! Dave’s bleeding a lot though.”

“I can see that!”

“Karkat… dude don’t put me on TZ’s sex couch.” Dave manages to say through gritted teeth. Dang, you thought he was unconscious.

“If you didn’t want your sorry ass on the sex couch then you shouldn’t have gotten stabbed you wet bag of horse’s ass!” Karkat peels off Dave’s shirt bandage and inspects the damage as you hover nervously. You pull up two chairs next to the couch for you and Karkat.

“Jesus dicks I am bleeding like a fucking Bleach character. Karkat, bro, this guy had a knife in his shoe, who the hell does that?” Dave asks high-pitched. There’s still a bandage taped on the other side of Dave’s torso from when he got nicked with a bullet. Your escape into the river seemed like eons ago.

“The answer is that dick sniffer, apparently. Sweet mother of all things putrid, I’ve told you I’m a _kid’s nurse_ for christ’s sake, not a mafia surgeon. Does this look like an OR to you? No, it does not, it’s a blind dragon girl’s apartment and I am severely understaffed. Jade, could you get my bag from the bedroom? The vampire is stabilized, which is more than I can say about this leaking sandbag, who does naught but spill volumes of my own personal misery onto the green earth.”

“Of course,” you say, ignoring Karkat’s complaints. Dave’s demon twin is lying next to the beautiful vampire swathed in jade-soaked bandages. Terezi is keeping an eye on (keeping an ear on?) them while Karkat works on Dave. You hurry, returning a few moments later with Karkat’s red medical bag and pulling out several instruments and some gauze.

“Strider. This is gonna hurt like a bitch, but I’m fresh fucking out of any anesthetics so you’re gonna have to deal for a little bit.” Dave holds up a shaky thumbs-up as Karkat starts by cleaning out the wound with a bottle of antiseptic. He works fast, cleaning out the cut and stitching it back together. You feel a little sick as you watch but you do your best to help. It’s the first time you’ve seen Karkat in a situation this dire. It’s more intense than you thought it would be, even more nerve-wracking than an actual fight. You should really get some more first aid training so you can help him instead of being useless.

“Done…” Karkat finally announces, sitting back up and shelling off his bloody gloves. The stitches were covered in some of Jane’s magic Nephilim Neosporin **™** and a layer of gauze. She would probably not be happy if she knew you were using so much of her good ointments on a demon, but you don’t think it’s the time to worry about stuff like that.

“It doesn’t feel like there’s any internal damage but guess what, even if there is it’s not like I can do anything about it here. I have one more bag of IV fluid, so Jade, could you take care of that?” You nod quietly in response. “I should check on the other demon and the vampire we grabbed in a sec. But first, Strider, could you kindly explain what the _fuck_ is going on here? Why is the Succubus grey and who the hell tried to make a dracula-kabob?”  

“Noir did it,” Dave says, voice tight. “The devil’s trap didn’t work on Kanaya so she tried to fight them. And the succubus is my twin sister, Rose.”

“And why the fuck is she pavement-faced?”

“She’s got some crazy magic genes from our mom. When she gets really pissed off she kinda loses her grip on the forces of darkness, or something. Kanaya is her girlfriend and she saw her get stabbed, and overall it was a not a fun time.”

“Well Kanaya is going to be fine. Rainbow drinkers are tough shit, but I don’t know about your sister. I’ve never seen anyone go dark magic tailed beast mode, that being a thing which is apparently possible now. Has this happened before?”

“Just once. Rose calls it Grimdark. But as long as she isn’t speaking in ancient eldritch tongues and rending the earth with darkness hentai witchy tentacles, then we’re alright. Last time she just slept for like a week afterwards.”

“What about tentacles? She’s not gonna lose it again is she?”

“Nah, her aura’s calmed way the fuck down.”

“Aura? Hate to break it to you, but some of us aren’t secretly a magic demon like you ended up being. Prick.”

“Fuck you, this isn’t a magic thing. I don’t do magic. Didn’t you feel the Grimdarkish vibe before?”

“No?”

You didn’t either. There had been so much going on at the park you’d barely noticed the gray demon. There aren’t any IV stands around so you fix the bag to a floor lamp.

“You’re fucking with me. Back there I thought Rose was gonna spontaneously combust the whole place with evil black hellfire. Fucking Amaterasu style.” Dave lays his head back, his words starting to slur a little.

“I hereby declare all Naruto references be off limits, and stricken from any previous record. So what you’re telling me is, magic twin telepathy is saying that she isn’t going to murder us all?”

“That’s not at all what it is, but fine, sure.”

“Okay. I’ll tell Terezi to stop trying to sniff-diagnose her.”

Dave opens his mouth to say something but finally passes out before he can get out anything coherent, and you glance at Karkat.

“Um, is he alright?”

Karkat stands up and glares at Dave. “He should be fine, demons are hearty motherfuckers. Their constitution stats are fucking sky high. Jesus Christ’s blessed genitalia, shit has been so astronomically fucking bonkers with all these dying demons and vampires, it’s like a poorly written supernatural grocery store literotica paperback. There’s even fucking sex demons. I promise you one thing, and that is I am not performing pseudo-reluctant salacious acts with an Incubus regardless of their lifesaving potential. I will revoke my Hippocratic oath Jade, I swear to god.” Karkat is rambling, he does that when he’s tired… or stressed, or nervous. He actually does this a lot but you love him anyways. You smile down at him and pull him into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t what I expected to happen at all!” You say with your chin on the top of his head.

“No shit! I can’t believe I used to _trust_ Noir. Now I don’t care if he’s leader of our guild, I will _personally_ kick his ass so hard his eyeballs jettison comically from his skull if he even _thinks_ about laying a hand on you. If I had known any of this was going to happen I wouldn’t have let you anywhere near that stab-happy transphobic bag of shit!”

“Aww Karkat! You’re so sweet.”

“The bar must be astronomically low if you think wanting to keep you away from a murderer is _sweet_ . I knew it was low, but this is just a new level of abysmal.”   
You rub his back, trying to calm him down. “You know I can take care of myself, silly.”

“No shit. I won’t pretend that the idea of you ripping Noir’s spleen out of his dickhole out doesn’t fill me with pure euphoria, but just because you _can_ doesn’t mean you _should_.”

“Why not?!”

“Because then you would have to get within fifty feet of him, and that’s constitutionally fucking forbidden when he can’t get your christ flipping name right.” You give him a cheesy grin and he rolls his eyes. “And stop acting like being a decent goddamn human being makes me a good boyfriend. Anyone looks fucking sparkling compared to that titsucker.” He grumbled, _totally_ blushing.

“It’s just cute to see you get all offended and angry for me. Like you’re defending my honor!” You giggle.

“You know me, just a regular knight in shining armor. Now come help me out, I need to check on Strider’s occult sister and her drinker girlfriend before Terezi starts licking them. Side note: I hate myself just a little more for saying that and being serious about it.”

You hold his hand and he squeezes tight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how yall faring in the foreverpause?  
> Posted: 5/12/16


	24. XXIV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The not-so-recent past is recalled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i was looking back at this fic and realized i had this chapter finished a long time ago and never posted it. homestuck fandom is dead but i figured hey might as well. this is one of my favorite chapters in the fic so it would be a shame if i never even posted it. i was wanting to put it after the next chapter, but im not sure when/if that will happen so here it is now.
> 
> also i used to be esthete, now im hellamathcat.

**Minutes in the future… === >**

Minus several years.

Your name is DAVE STRIDER. It is an unseasonably warm April afternoon. You come home from school to an empty apartment, which isn’t ENTIRELY UNUSUAL. Ever since he’d become a co-leader of DERSE your BRO had been busier, sometimes not coming home for days. DIRK must be fucking around somewhere being a nerdy seventeen-year old COLLEGE STUDENT, whatever exactly that ENTAILS. He’s usually home this time of day. You are COOL with being home alone however, as you are ALWAYS cool about ALL THINGS, among those being TOTALLY INDEPENDANT.

You had turned thirteen a few months previous, and only a few before that you had finally convinced Bro to let you attend PUBLIC MIDDLE SCHOOL. You’d STRIFED him about it, then dropped a packet of ENROLLMENT DOCUMENTS as if they were OF AN UNCOMFORTABLY ELEVATED TEMPERATURE. Since then you have all but dominated the seventh grade human social scene, which is much more entertaining than at the DUMB TINY DEMON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR BABIES you had previously attended. Nepeta, who’s a cat demon, had changed schools with you and continues to be your BEST FRIEND.

You are still hoping that your MOM will agree to move to Texas, or at least let Rose and Roxy go to school down here. Though it was only last summer ya’ll’d found each other, you have already come to the conclusion that having a mom and sisters is AWESOME, and that getting to go to school with Rose next year would be DOUBLE AWESOME. When it comes to being a rad sweet kickass biznasty demon family, yours is simply the best there is.

 

**Dave: Make yourself a Pillsbury® Toaster Strudel® pastry=== >**

You put two toaster strudels in the toaster, then stand around like an asshole trying to rub the marker ink from off your fingers. Drawing shitty comics in oversized Crayola markers is totally cool and ironic, but makes a mess. Maybe you’d just stick to mspaint. SBaHJ is awesome in any medium.

 

**Dave: Get kinda a weird feeling=== >**

You get kind of a weird feeling, you guess. You don’t really know what to make of it. The strudels pop out of the toaster and you jump. Good thing no one saw that. You take them out and pour chocolate syrup and sprinkles on top, then smush the chocolatey parts together to make a delicious toaster-strudel-and-chocolate-syrup-and-sprinkles monstrosity sandwich. Bar none it is the greatest snack anyone has ever made, ever. Maybe eating something will make that weird feeling go away?

 

**Dave: Notice the door is open=== >**

You notice the door to the roof access is open. That’s also a little weird, albeit not terribly. You walk over to it, sticking your iphone into your jeans pocket and munching on your sugary monstrosity of absolute deliciousness.

That phone will all but save your life and the lives of your sisters soon.

 

**Dave: Fail to know this yet=== >**

You of course do not know this yet. Similarly, you do not know that the sugary monstrosity of absolute deliciousness will be the last thing you eat for the next fifty-seven hours.

 

**Dave: Realize something is wrong already!=== >**

You do not realize something is wrong, not immediately at least. Dirk’s phone with the dumb horse case is on the counter, and a note of his raised voice drifts down the stairwell, a strained note to it. He and Bro must be home after all, strifing. Bro is always telling you to never to interrupt them since even just your bros’ spars are dangerous. You should just shut the door and go play video games, but you don’t. The feeling of unease just keeps getting stronger. Maybe you could just go take a peek.

 

**Dave: Ascend=== >**

Later you wish you hadn’t. But you aren’t a time traveler, and you aren’t a hero. You emerge from the stairwell, blinking behind your shades like some asshole baby bird fresh from the egg, and twice as stupid.

“What the fuck is this? The hell you want?” Bro demands. He and Dirk are facing off, swords drawn, against… you don’t know what to call it. A monster maybe. It’s vaguely humanoid, covered in black fur with a head like a wolf’s and feathered wings. Green light crackles around it like electricity. Black shiny tendrils sprout from its back. The spikey aura coming from it isn’t demon or human.

Whatever it is, it moves. The monster shoots forward in a blur, tendrils flashing. Bro’s sword connects with them, and you think the sound is what snaps you out of it. Fuck. They’re fighting. You need to fight. You drop your food, take a few hurried steps forward and rip raggedly at the middle of your record t-shirt, grasping at the handle that you will out of your tattoo.

The next few seconds seem to happen very, very slowly. Dirk turns a bit and spots you. There’s blood on his arms.

“No, Dave! Run!” There’s panic in his voice. Wait, panic? In the next half a second you realize that your bros are both on the defensive, both bleeding. They’re not losing, but they’re not winning either. Somehow this thing has _Bro_ on the ropes. What is going on? Your feet freeze to the concrete and you don’t listen to Dirk. You don’t run away like you should. You yank your sword from your sternum so quickly it hurts.

The monster notices you. For a reason you never really figure out, it goes for you first. Maybe it wanted to take out the smallest one first, or maybe it just relished an easy kill. It doesn’t look like it pushes past your bros, it seems more like it teleports, or maybe you just can’t process the speed. Your arm is still outstretched in front of you drawing your sword when suddenly it’s right in front of you. The scent of dog and blood on its hot breath is overpowering. You can’t move a muscle. You never really forget the gleam in its flinty eyes, the savage, not-quite-intelligent glint and the bloodlust unlike anything you've ever felt.

 

**Dave: Break=== >**

A black, glistening paw only vaguely reminiscent of a hand clamps over yours holding the sword. Then it punches the blade through your chest. You aren’t sure if you scream.

Then there’s a streak of silver, and the monster’s arm is sliced cleanly from its body. A little late for that, you think distantly. Hairy fingers release and the arm falls limply to the concrete at your feet. Bro is in front of you, sword raised. The monster howls animalistically as it retreats. You hear a word that sounds like your name shouted by someone that sounds like Bro, but you’re not sure. You’re only sure that you’re dead. From the moment you locked eyes with that beast you knew. You are dead, you are going to die, and even the idea of fighting it didn’t occur to you.

Instinct perhaps drives you to land on your side and not your back, when your body stops functioning. Hitting the ground knocks your shades off and bangs your head but you don’t feel anything yet. Your lungs quiver, not breathing. Though your mind is blank you wonder how anyone can fight something like that, before you remind yourself that this is _Bro_ you’re talking about, he cut off its arm, Bro is the best fighter ever. You are going to die but there’s no way your older brothers could… they couldn’t _lose_.

“DAVE!” Dirk is crouched over you. His sword is in one hand but his other touches a spot on your neck for a reason you can’t figure out. A stream of words something like “oh god Dave no jesus christ no” spills from his mouth. You see the monster come towards you again and get forced back by Bro’s blade.

“Fuck Dave, say something!” Something in his tone snaps you out of it. You open your mouth and try to drag in a breath and that’s when you feel it. It feels like there’s a firebrand through your heart. Nothing, no sprain or bruise or broken bone has ever hurt like this before. You don’t know how to handle it, don’t know if you _can_ handle it. Your mind has realizations jammed into it like shrapnel, that holy fuck you got _stabbed_ and your sword went _through_ your chest probably your _heart_ you can’t _breathe_ and you’re alive but how can you be, there’s something warm and coppery in your mouth and on your lips and you can’t move and Dirk looks more terrified than you’ve ever seen him. It’s all too fast, you just want everything to stop.

“Dirk! Get him out of here!” Bro orders, voice slow and echoing strangely. He’s still fighting.  Dirk flinches. Then he grabs you under the shoulders and knees and picks you up. The pain makes you want to scream but you think you just gasp. You see the golden hilt of your sword jutting out of your body, and can’t stop looking at it.

“Warn the Lalondes. Take care of each other.” Bro half-turns and for a moment you see his face. A tight grimace is on it, almost a _sad_ thing that didn’t belong to Bro at all. Dirk… isn’t going to leave him was he? They need to stay and fight, Dirk needs to fight so they could win. Striders don’t lose. They don’t run, right?

“Go!”

And he does.

 

**Dave: Be Dirk=== >**

Your name is Dirk Strider. You failed.

 

**Dave: Wake=== >**

You wake up with a fuzzy head. For a few moments you try to remember where you are, until a too deep breath shocks your chest with pain. Your eyes fly open.

The dog monster thing. It had stabbed you and then… what happened then? When did you pass out? You blink a few times. The room is dimly lit and there’s a hard mattress against your sore back. Even the smallest movement is exhausting but you make yourself turn your head.

Rose is lying perfectly still next to you. Her skin is chalky, nearly gray. You feel like you get stabbed again. She isn’t… she’s not…

“Rose?” You rasp, moving your arm with a gargantuan effort to touch her hand. She isn’t cold- her skin’s hot like a bad fever. You let out a breath.

“Dave!” Suddenly Roxy is above you, holding your face in her hands. “Oh god Dave, you’re awake, are you okay? How do you feel?” Her makeup is all smeared around her eyes. You don’t know why you notice that first but you do. Your brain feels all messed up. Is this what it’s like to get high? No wait, the dog monster, what happened with that again?

“What is… wha’ happened?” your mouth won’t make the stupid words, “Where’re… Where’s…”

“Shh, don’t talk. It’s over now. Rose is right here, she used a little too much magic but she’ll be alright. Dirk will be back soon. It’s going to- it will be okay.” She puts her hand over her mouth. Roxy’s crying. What happened?

 

You guess you fall asleep again because the next thing you remember is waking up. It’s brighter, your chest hurts and your back hurts but you feel halfway coherent this time. It’s a hotel room, you finally realize. You’re in a cheap hotel room like the one you stayed in on the trip to New York last summer, with a bad color scheme and a full bed facing an old box tv. You’re lying on top of a shitty comforter. Rose is still next to you, asleep. You remember someone telling you that she’s okay, Roxy maybe? What are the Lalondes doing in Houston? Or is this New York?

There’s an incessant tapping somewhere nearby and you move your head to find it. It’s Dirk, hunched in an ugly maroon chair and jittering his leg. He has Bro’s sword in a white-knuckled deathgrip on his lap and there’s patches of gauze on his arms. An IV bag next to the bed has a tube connecting to your arm.

“Dirk,” you squeak out. Your voice is scratchy and you sound like a five-year-old. He bolts to his feet like you shocked him, dropping the sword.

“Jesus fuck, you’re awake. How do you feel?”

“Like shit.” You’re still trying to figure out what hurts and what doesn’t.

“Can you breathe okay? See? Hear? Fuck, okay, squeeze my hand.” Dirk grabs up your hand. This is weird.

“Yeah okay… Florence fucking Nightingale.” It took two breaths just to say that. You try to crush Dirk’s fingers to tell him he’s being weird but find you can barely twitch your fingers.

Dirk’s face screws up as he sets your hand down. “It’s okay, it’s fine, Serket said there’d be some weakness at first. She did some pretty major work but you’ll be okay. You’re gonna be fine.” He sounded like he was talking to himself more than you.

“Serket?”

“Just a Nephilim I know. She has healing magic.”

“It’s shit magic.” You still feel awful.

“You almost _died_ , Dave!” Dirk snaps so loudly it makes your head hurt. He looks like he’s going to say something else then doesn’t.

“Was Rox here?” You ask after a moment. “What happened to Rose? Are we in New York?”

“Roxy’s getting food, and Rose is just sleeping. We’re still in Houston. Do you… remember what happened?”

You scrunch your eyes shut. The light hurts without your shades. “Kinda. My head feels weird.”

“You’re doped up pretty bad on painkillers.”

You wish you were more doped up. “There was that dog monster on the roof.” You say. “It stabbed me with my sword. I didn’t even see it move. That was lame.” Dirk picks up Bro’s sword and sits down again. The chair isn’t facing you and he doesn’t answer either.

“Dirk, why’re we in a shit motel? Why ain’t we at home? What day is it? Why are Rox and Rose here? What happened?”

“You’ve been out for three days. We were at Aranea’s clinic at first, then we needed someplace safe to crash afterward.” That didn’t really answer much and Dirk knew it. After a moment he took a breath and went on.

“That thing came out of nowhere. I still don’t know what it is. It had some sort of magic like I’ve never seen. I don’t know. It was too fast. I couldn’t, we couldn’t do any damage. Then when you showed up…”

“But Bro cut its arm off after it stabbed me.” It was starting to come back to you.

“Yeah.”

“So then he kicked its ass, right?” You start to feel like you can’t breathe.

“No,” and then he says, “Bro died.”

You breathe in, and then out. It hurts. Your chest hurts a lot. Your back hurts even more from laying on it. You put your hand on your chest and it’s covered in puffy white gauze. You don’t have a shirt and it’s cold. You remember what the handle of your sword looked like sticking out of you and it feels like it’s still in.

“Someone went after the heads of Derse. I guess Bro knew that. He told me to warn the Lalondes. Rose and Roxy got away. Ms. Lalonde didn’t.”

You want to tell him to stop talking in his stupid flat robot voice. This is too much to happen at one time, right? At the same time? Bro and your mom, you had just started calling her Mom. Your two families had just found each other. This isn’t fair. It’s too fucked up.

“I went back after Aranea stabilized you. It set our apartment on fire. There were cops and firemen and I got his sword but I couldn’t- move him.” For the first time Dirk’s voice cracks a little bit.

“What’s gonna happen now?”

“I don’t know.”

“But Dirk what are we, what are we gonna _do?_ They’re, we don’t have, and, and there’s still that dog monster and you aren’t eighteen yet, we’re demons, are we all gonna go to foster care and never see each other again?” Your brain doesn’t feel fuzzy anymore, it feels cracked to pieces. You are half aware that what you’re not making sense but it’s not even important anymore because Bro is dead and Mom is dead and they’re both dead how are they already gone so fast? Your mouth tastes like blood.

“Shut up.” Dirk interrupts, viciously. “No. Shut up and breathe, Dave. We’re staying together, no one’s going anywhere. Bro and Lalonde left us money. I’ll use compulsion for the rest. I’m going to take care of you, and we’re going to fucking survive this.”

 

After that your life becomes a cycle of wake, eat, change bandage, medicine, and sleep again. Aranea, who doesn’t mind demons even though she’s a hunter, comes back to check on you. Apparently your sword had punctured your heart and you’d had magic open heart surgery. It makes you queasy so you don’t ask any questions.

“It’s a miracle he survived,” you heard her telling Dirk once after a checkup, when she thought you were asleep. “In fact, he shouldn’t have. I didn’t get to him fast enough. He should have bled to death in under ten minutes, demon or not. But he was still alive after twenty. Not even I have any idea how he pulled it off. You sure you don’t know?”

Dirk hadn’t answered.

“Well,” Aranea said as she left, “if you figure it out let me know. It’s miraculous.”

You don’t feel very miraculous. After the fourth check-up she says she’s healed you internally as much as your body would allow and the rest would be up to you. For a week you can’t eat solid food and Dirk has to carry you to the bathroom because you can’t stand up or walk. No one says where your medicine is coming from. You think Roxy has been stealing it.

When Rose finally wakes up she stares straight ahead and squeezes your hand until it’s numb. You piece together what happened to her and Roxy over a few days. Dirk had called them on your phone as soon as he got away from the rooftop. Mom had sent Roxy and Rose away in the car. She must’ve known someone was going to come for her. You know she did it to make sure your sisters were safe but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Rose had felt it when when you got stabbed and when Bro died. She’d known when Mom died within an hour of him. She went Grimdark on the road in the middle of the forest. Mom had gone Grimdark before so Roxy knew what was happening- still it had taken her hours to calm her down. Rose had gone back to their house, flown, apparently, but the monster was already gone and Mom was already dead. Now Rose stays quiet and fusses over your bandages or stares off into space.

You’re asleep too much to tell for sure but you think Roxy disappears a lot. When she’s around sometimes she smells like booze and sometimes she locks herself in the bathroom for hours.

Dirk doesn’t eat or sleep for days as far as you can tell. He just sits holding Bro’s sword and staring straight ahead, or makes hushed calls on your iphone.

 

When you can manage the trip Roxy drives everyone to the Lalonde mansion in New York. Dirk uses compulsion on anyone who comes knocking, and again after he and Roxy turn eighteen to streamline becoming you and Rose’s legal guardians. After a while everyone moves back to a new apartment in Houston because Rose can’t sleep in that house, not with all the visions she’s having now, not after they had Mom and Bro buried in the backyard. You keep living. You and Rose go back to school together for eighth grade. None of the other kids dare mess with you two and you continue to rule the school, but you wouldn’t call it “double awesome” anymore. Mostly it’s just lonely, even with Nepeta there.

Roxy gets into Dirk’s university, drops out, then re-enrolls and gets a job with computers making more money than you really need. Dirk finishes his degree, then gets a masters in one year and a PhD in three more. He does work that involves a lot of noisy metalworking in the spare room. Neither of them like being out of the house too much. You and Rose get older, survive sex demon puberty, terrify high schoolers like you did middle, get into the same local college, go to classes. Time moves forward. You snap when you’re nineteen and move to Seattle chasing Terezi’s tip, and the weirdest thing is that there’s no one nagging you about training or eating or cleaning up. You get an apartment and jobs and friends, and, eventually, the unwanted attention of a certain hunter.

And you fucking survive this.


End file.
